Virtual Book Tour: Don't Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw

Today we welcome Roger Frame, Ph.D. to our blog to chat with us and answer questions about his new book, Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict. Dr. Frame, known as The Conflict Whisperer®, consults and conducts workshops across the United States on interpersonal conflict management issues. You’re sure to enjoy the book, filled with his quick humor and insightful techniques, just as we have. So let's get started.

Roger, how did you come to write this book, Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict?

Roger: When I completed my Ph.D., I took a job directing a 37 county child abuse treatment and prevention program through Southern Illinois University. I soon discovered that families do not generally become abusive because they are mean people. Rather, they become abusive because they are highly stressed, and don’t know a better alternative. When we provided training and support, 93 percent of those families had no subsequent reported abuse.

I married, adopted a child, and had a thriving private mental health counseling practice. Life was good. My wife subsequently earned her Ph.D. in counseling and obtained a university faculty position. Friends commented that our son wouldn’t have a chance with parents like us. They were wrong.

As my son entered his teen years, conflicts arose. Suddenly communication became more difficult. Six months after he graduated from high school, my wife announced that she wanted a divorce. One month after the divorce was final, my employer announced that another company was purchasing them, and my position had been eliminated.

Clearly, my life was not going as planned. It would have been easy to blame the world. Look at all the grief it was causing me! But there was one common ingredient to all the distressing incidents. Me. And there was only one thing I could change. Me.

So how did you go about changing yourself?

Roger: Even though I knew a great deal about conflict, perhaps there was something more I could learn. Even though I did not have control over many unpleasant incidents, perhaps I could do better in some areas where I do have control. I began to research the topic of conflict resolution in more depth, and I found many subtle but crucial factors that might influence the outcome of critical conversations.

I began to practice them, tentatively at first. Then more confidently until, one day, my son came to me and said, “Dad, I need to turn my life around and I can’t do it where I am living. Can I move home and live with you.” I will never forget that day! Subsequently, I married a wonderful woman, and I can report that the principles work well among spouses as well.

I believe that the principles contained in this book have turned my life around. I hope it will help you as well. There is only one person in this world you really can change, and that is you. This is your call to begin today. In my private practice, I used a phoenix with the motto “New Life Emerging” as my logo. Is it time for your new life to emerge?

What are some of the main points you discuss in your book?

Roger: A major premise is that conflict is not based on reality, but rather on a person’s interpretation of that reality. Therefore, in order to resolve the conflict, both sides must understand how their partner interprets the situation, and what interests need to be met.

While many people suggest that we always seek win/win solutions, it isn’t that simple. One style of conflict resolution for all situations is no more appropriate than one style of clothing for all situations. Just as you wouldn’t wear a bikini to the prom, or your wedding dress to work in the garden, you need to vary your conflict resolution style according to the situation. The different styles all have strengths and weaknesses. You need to know what these are, and when to use them.

What other principles are important in resolving conflicts?

Roger: How you present your case will be crucial to your success. If you begin by accusing and berating your partner, they will become defensive. However, there are alternatives that we discuss in the book. Begin with facts, because they are less controversial. Provide reasons, so your proposal does not appear arbitrary. Make it safe to discuss candidly.

As I found in my own life, the teen years frequently bring more conflict into our home. This is not just because of hormones. Neurological changes that are occurring in the brain contribute as well. It is no accident that car rental companies won’t rent to people under 25 and auto insurance rates drop at age 25. At a time when stimulation seeking and risk taking are increasing, the part of the brain that inhibits impulsive behavior and considers consequences is not fully developed until the mid 20s.

Since all interactions do not get resolved the way we would like, I also discuss four elements needed to make an effective apology, and nine steps that can facilitate forgiveness when you are ready to do so. It is not necessary to reconcile and become good buddies with the perpetrator to forgive them. The chief beneficiary of forgiveness is generally the one doing the forgiving.

You have a chapter that uses fly-fishing as a metaphor for conflict resolution. Tell us about that.

Roger: I started out describing how children frequently bait their parents by saying or doing something that will get the parent’s reaction. When the parents “bite the hook,” the child is in control, the parent is caught and may soon be frying in the skillet. Then all sorts of metaphors came bounding into my head. I recalled that in fly fishing your first casting movement is away from the target followed by a movement forward. In conflict resolution you will be able to hit your target more effectively if you first understand your partner’s interests, (pull back from your interests) and then make your pitch (cast forward.) When a fish is in a stream, they must quickly decide whether or not to take the bait or lose interest. Children often complain that parents drone on and on and on, and the child tunes out. Parents must learn to make the pitch brief or the child will tune out.

Where can people get your book and seminars?

Roger: Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict is available in most bookstores, and online as an e-book. I also love to do live workshops, and keynote presentations. Just contact me at my website at www.TheConflictWhisperer.com, or www.RogerFrame.com.

Our thanks to you, Roger, for chatting with us here about your stimulating and engaging book.

Now, readers, the floor is open to you and your questions. Just click the "comments" link below and ask away. Roger will respond to you in the comments section.

Humor Wins the Day

Do you sometimes feel like the proverbial tree falling in the forest? When your teens don't seem to hear you speak, you may wonder if you're actually making a sound. If you're frustrated - like this mother - by your attempts to communicate with your kids, maybe it's time to try some humor.

It's not easy being a parent today. There's a fine line between protecting our children from very real dangers facing them - drugs, bullying, sexting, online predators - and overly controlling them through helicopter parenting.

When you set clear boundaries and expectations about issues you consider non-negotiable, like their safety, you can work with your teens to get their cooperation on others without resorting to these kinds of threats. Inject some humor into your conversations and see if you can recover some of those good feelings and belly laughs from the past.

Virtual Book Tour: Mother Daughter Show

Today we’re delighted to welcome Natalie Wexler to our Virtual Book Tour. Her recently published novel, The Mother Daughter Show, is both hilarious and poignant. We know it will appeal to anyone who's ever had a daughter, and to anyone who's ever been one. So let’s get started:

Nourishing Relationships: What inspired you to write The Mother Daughter Show?

Natalie Wexler: I wrote The Mother Daughter Show partly to try to maintain a sense of humor about a situation I found myself in - the real Mother Daughter Show, a longstanding tradition at Sidwell Friends School, where my daughter was a senior.

Every year the mothers of graduating senior girls write and perform a musical revue for their daughters, and it seems like almost every year peculiar things happen between the mothers. I wanted to understand why - what was it about this situation that made people act in ways they usually don’t? One obvious possible reason was that the senior year of high school is a stressful year, for mothers as well as daughters: there’s the pressure of applying to college, the stress of wondering where your child will get in, and the emotions stirred by the prospect of your precious little girl leaving the nest.

So I wanted to explore that, but I also saw the novel as an opportunity to write more broadly about the mother-daughter relationship. I gave each of my three main characters (Amanda, Susan, and Barb) a mother of her own as well as a teenage daughter, to allow for a multi-generational aspect to the book. There are tensions between these older mothers and daughters as well, and one of the mothers, Barb, is stretched thin caring for her ailing mother while trying to control her rebellious daughter.

Also, Susan and Amanda begin to see some parallels between the way they interact with their daughters and the way they’ve interacted - or perhaps still interact - with their own mothers. (There’s nothing like having a teenage daughter to give you some empathy for your own mother!) And Barb realizes that her difficulty confronting her daughter may be a reaction against her own mother’s penchant for criticism. Inevitably, our relationships with our kids are affected by our relationships with our own parents, one way or another, and I wanted to examine that.

N R: Who is your favorite character in the book, and why?

Natalie: I suppose I feel closest to Amanda, although she is no more “me” than any of the other characters are real individuals. But she fills the role that I did in planning the show, which is to say writing funny lyrics to a bunch of existing songs. Just as I did, she gets totally wrapped up in the creative process, unable to stop herself from churning out song lyric after song lyric, even when it becomes clear that other mothers want to take the show in a different direction.

I also sympathize with Amanda’s dilemma as a longtime stay-at-home mother who needs to make money and cherishes what seems to be an impossible dream: to find a job that not only pays well but also provides an outlet for her talents and gives her a sense of self-fulfillment. That can be tough at any point in life, but it’s a real challenge for someone in their fifties who’s been out of the workforce for twenty years - and is trying to re-enter it in the middle of a recession.

N R: What turned out to be your greatest challenge in writing The Mother Daughter Show?

Natalie: Coming up with a plot that worked. My first several drafts hewed much more closely to the show itself, and several readers told me that I needed more dramatic action. Apparently the mechanics of the show just weren’t that interesting to the general public! I wanted to keep the show as the background that framed the story, though, so the challenge was to come up with another plot that I could somehow shoehorn into the one I had. At first I didn’t think I could do it, but eventually I figured it out.

N R: Your own children attended an elite private school in D.C. How much of your story was drawn from real life?

Natalie: In terms of the details, not that much. To some extent I’m satirizing things that probably go on in any private school milieu (although as far as I’m aware, Sidwell is the only school that has a Mother Daughter Show - and I’ve learned they’ve decided to discontinue it). Of course, there’s a Washington, D.C. aspect that’s distinctive. For instance, a President’s daughter attends my fictional school, and the Obama girls currently attend Sidwell. But the Presidential daughter in the novel, who is an extremely minor character, is clearly not Sasha or Malia, any more than any of the characters are real people.

What I did borrow from real life about that situation is the excitement surrounding the presence of the First Family at the school, at least when they first got there (the novel begins in February 2009). In the book, tickets to the annual auction and the school play sell at an unprecedented rate, because people think the President and First Lady might show up. That really happened, more or less. Of course, as in the book, the President didn’t end up attending many school functions, apparently because he was a little preoccupied with trying to solve the nation’s problems.

All that having been said, I think many of the themes in the book transcend the private school milieu, and I hope that just about anyone - whether their kids go to private school or not - will be able to identify with them.

N R: You are an accomplished author, having written the award-winning historical novel, A More Obedient Wife and now the contemporary satire The Mother Daughter Show. Can you speak to the differences in your approach to each project?

Natalie: The two novels are quite different, and the creative process was different in many ways as well. To write a historical novel, you have to immerse yourself in the period you’re writing about (in the case of A More Obedient Wife, the 1790s). That requires a lot of research, and even then you’re always worrying that you’ve gotten something wrong (at least I was!). So it was a nice change not to have to grapple with that for The Mother Daughter Show. Instead of burying myself in the library, I could just use my observations about the world around me.

Also, with A More Obedient Wife, my starting point was real letters between real people who lived 200 years ago. I saw my task as recreating, as much as possible, the lost lives and personalities of these people, while at the same time constructing a coherent plot. With The Mother Daughter Show, my goal was more to get away from what really happened. In a way, I knew the situation I was writing about too well—it was tempting to just write down what happened rather than create a well developed story. And at the same time, I knew too little. To create characters that work, an author needs to know them inside out, and I simply didn’t know the other women working on the show that well. Maybe it would have been easier to just write down what really happened, but it wouldn’t have worked as a novel.

Thanks, Natalie, we really appreciate your spending time with us today. You can learn more about Natalie and her writing on her website. And now it’s your turn, readers – click on ‘Comments’ below, follow the prompts and share your remarks or ask Natalie questions. We'll be glad you did!

Balancing Kids' Summer Plans with Your Work Life

Like most of us, you must be wondering where the time has gone. Didn't it seems like only yesterday you were buying backpacks and lunch boxes in preparation for the school year?

For families, June is a busy month with graduation parties, little league finals and music recitals. And right around the corner is summer vacation - lazy days for kids but stressful for working parents. If you haven't made your plans yet, here are some ideas to help you create a work/family balance:

Photo courtesy of Photostock


Stay flexible. To minimize your anxiety and maximize time with your kids, try to negotiate a flexible work schedule. Even if you only take the odd morning off or leave early once in a while, find someone to cover for you. Downtime to rejuvenate is important for you and for the wellbeing of your family.

Arrange creative child care. There must be plenty of responsible teenagers in your neighborhood who are looking for a part-time summer job. Or why not organize a co-op or a weekly swap with friends? Don't forget your kids' grandparents or other family members who always say they want to see them more often.

Plan a staycation. Arrange a family meeting and encourage a discussion about what activities they would like. With a democratic process and everyone having a voice, you'll ensure cooperation. Think about visiting a local museum, playing beach volleyball, attending an outdoor concert. If money is an issue, several day trips or weekend camping trips can make the whole family feel recharged and reconnected.

Embrace boredom. Encourage your kids to use their imagination and discover their own ways to keep busy - a lemonade stand on the corner, watching home movies, planting a small garden, walking the dog, swimming in the community pool. It could be fun to play board games, ride bikes or shoot hoops with friends on the block.

We want to hear from you - click on "Comments" at the bottom of this post and share your ideas about how to keep your kids engaged during summer vacation. And log on Wednesday for more practical tips about reducing your summer stress.

Abby Sunderland: A Free Range Kid

When 16 year old Abby Sunderland attempted to become the youngest person to sail solo around the world, there was a lot of controversy - some called it reckless and accused her parents of child abuse. Others who think childhood quests are an endangered species applauded Abby's confidence, sailing prowess and sense of adventure.

You may be interested in learning more about Abby. Here MSNBC traces her journey through articles and video. And Abby talks about her love of the sea and sailing experience as well as her inspiration and motivation.

Who hasn't had dreams of wanderlust? When my husband was the surgeon on a naval aircraft carrier, and our children were toddlers, the three of us followed his ship along the Mediterranean for six months. Here's an article in Politics Daily that traces the history of young and older women who took a chance that resulted in a unique experience. Just like Abby and her parents, they likely weighed the risks and made a decision.

Parenting is about values. It can be a tough choice between assuring kids' safety and encouraging their independence. If you value self-reliance and independence, perhaps you would choose the free-range option. You may decide that you can live with the worry and that the risks are manageable. There is no right answer.

As your teenagers begin to drive and enjoy their newfound freedom, letting go may be harder than you thought. Are you having trouble cutting the apron strings? If you are still trying to protect them from life’s normal ups and downs, begin to take a step back by following these practical tips:

Remember what it was like for you growing up. How did you use your personal strengths and resources to become more self sufficient? Put some of these good ideas to work now. Give your growing kids emotional support but let them explore and learn for themselves.

Give up old habits of micromanaging. Modern technology makes it so easy to stay connected. But you have to let go sooner or later. When you continue to get worried or upset, you’re giving your children the message that you don’t trust they can handle life on their own.

Minimize your financial assistance. Sure, you need to take care of the basic necessities, but encourage your kids to take on more personal responsibility. Beginning in high school, insist that they get a part-time job and open a bank account. Pull back as they learn new time and money management skills.

Teach your children how to problem solve. Negative feelings are sometimes difficult to face head-on, but the rewards can be more honesty and a renewed sense of trust. Help them learn to cooperate and compromise. Be flexible in resolving your family issues, as you see the situation from their perspective as well as from your own.

Here's an article from the growing child's perspective. In the Huffington Post, a young woman writes about how comfortable not leaving the nest can be, especially with ongoing financial support. She offers tips to parents about what may motivate their children to move on. Isn't your ultimate goal for them to be on their own?

If you want to read more about how to reach your goals, please join the email list to the left of this post. You can receive our free monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones, and download a free ebook about courage. And if you're wrestling with some of these family issues yourself, how about weighing in?

Practical Strategies for Helicopter Parents

Have you heard about the recently published book, The Idle Parent? Helicopter Parents is a hot topic right now. If you think you fit the profile, follow these tips as you shift responsibility from your shoulders to where it now belongs:

Take on a supportive role as you encourage your children to make their own decisions and deal with the natural consequences. Give fewer directions while they're learning important new problem solving skills. Although they will be faced with many choices, experience is a great teacher.

Resist taking on chores that now should fall to your kids. As much as these may have been a part of your job description for years, it’s now time to pass the baton. Think of it as boot camp. Soon enough they'll be off to college and, the more competent they are, the more confident they'll feel.

Focus on their positive qualities and think of reasons to support their evolving ideas. Sit back, relax and enjoy the fruits of your labor. Remember that their job right now is to learn how to be more independent and accountable for their own actions. And that includes working things out for themselves.

Give up old habits of micromanaging. You have to do it sooner or later. When you continue to worry or be upset about what's going on in their lives, you’re sending your children the message that you don’t trust they can handle situations on their own.

Want to learn more about backing off so your kids can develop the confidence they need? Browse the library at www.HerMentorCenter.com for a wide variety of articles about how to strengthen your family relationships.

Childhood Lies

It's been said that young children tend to lie at least once every two hours - sometimes to get something they want or to gain attention but usually to avoid getting in trouble and being punished. Often the lines between make-believe and reality become blurred. But when do youngsters' little 'white lies' become teenagers' big destructive whoppers? And how do those teens behave as young adults?

The Josephson Institute of Ethics releases studies of American high school students every two years and finds that the levels of lying, cheating and stealing have steadily increased. Results from their most recent study indicate that 12 to 17 year olds are five times more likely than those over 50 to believe it is necessary to lie and cheat in order to succeed. As they move out into the world at large, these same young adults are two to three times more likely to misrepresent themselves in a job interview, lie to a significant other, keep money mistakenly given to them.


Photo (c) 2008 Jupiter Images. All rights reserved.

Why do our children resort to these kinds of misdeeds? Is it the poor role models found in the entertainment, political and sports worlds? Is it the pressure to succeed coming from parents and schools? Is it the normalization of certain illegal activities on the Internet - plagiarism of papers and reports, downloading pirated music and videos?

So what's a parent to do? As in other aspects of parenting, keeping lines of communication open is a good start. When your children are little, encourage and praise their honesty, let them know clearly what is unacceptable, talk with them about the real consequences of their behaviors.

As they mature, continue to help your teens focus on learning for it's own sake without obsessing about tests and grades. Let them know that they don't have to be perfect to be competitive. Monitor their Internet use. And talk with them about the inappropriate messages their "heroes" are sending.

Adult role models can be helpful in setting examples of the kind of behavior you want to encourage in your children. To read more about a family man who lived according to his own high standards, click on the title above. It will take you to our website article, What Sandwiched Boomers Can Learn from Tim Russert.

Helping the Teens Who Admire Rihanna

Rihanna's situation has been tried in the court of public opinion. And it doesn't seem as if anyone is in favor of her taking Chris back. It must be hard for her to be a public face in private pain. But she is dealing with a reality that all teenagers need to be informed about – that physical and emotional abuse are dangerous. Rihanna has the platform to demonstrate the benefits of making smart choices. And she can act in her own best interests, for herself and all the young fans who admire her and continue to watch her every move.

Help your troubled teenagers feel better about themselves. As they work through their self esteem and dependency issues, they will make better decisions about their relationships. And by accepting the person they are becoming, they will be less afraid of being alone and more excited about what’s ahead in their future.

Your attitudes and behavior are a daily example for your growing children. Clicking on the title of this post will take you to www.HerMentorCenter.com and an article about how to nourish yourself.

Sandwiched Boomers and Support for their Teens

If you're a Sandwiched Boomer with concerns about your teen's relationship, what follows are ideas to talk about as you offer support:

Get the help you need now. Find an individual therapist or life coach who will guide you as you decide how to move forward. It's important to develop positive self-regard, confidence and the life skills for this. The therapy should focus on areas such as cognitive behavioral change, communication, anger management, stress reduction and control strategies. Stay in treatment as long as you need in order to figure out what to do.

Find perspective in order to grow. Whether you're hit in the face with a crisis, adjusting to changes in your identity or making a slow transition into the next chapter of your life, expect a cascade of feelings - anxiety, the desire to hold on, resentment, sadness, fear, eventually a sense of freedom. The emotional roller coaster ride is normal. If you have the fortitude to step back, take a deep breath and face the situation squarely, you can't help but grow from the challenges.

Click on the title above and read an article to learn more about how to protect yourself and your loved ones from physical or emotional abuse.

One in Three Teens will be in an Abusive Relationship

Rihanna is young, talented, and at the top of the musical charts. She's also a potential example for our youth. But first she has to heal herself. Oprah Winfrey suggested that Rihanna give it some time and get counseling. What follows are ideas that she could take to heart for herself - and as a spokeswoman for all of the young women and men who look up to her.

Take a step back and take care of yourself. You deserve time alone. And the chance to be safe - physically and emotionally. This will help you see your situation from a different angle. Listening to your inner voice can provide comfort and reassurance as you recognize your basic character strengths. Focus on what's important, as you integrate core values and personal ideals into how you want to live your life.

Explore your negative emotions. When trust is broken, if you or your partner have made bad decisions, there can be a buildup of frustration, anger or disappointment, even despair as you make efforts to adapt to the new reality. It may become apparent how much you've changed and how far apart the two of you have grown. And you'll see what steps to take next, for your own good.

Studies indicate that 1 in 3 teens will be in an abusive relationship at some point, and 80% will continue to date that person. These statistics are staggering. As members of the sandwich generation, share your ideas about how to keep our teenagers informed and safe.

How Rihanna can be a Positive Role Model for Teenagers

Are you a member of the sandwich generation with teenagers still living at home? If so, you may be helping them prepare emotionally to move out and be on their own. And in this day and age, with peer pressure and other distractions, that's not such an easy job.

Growing children today are caught in the crosshairs of modern media. Technology has become their babysitter – reality TV, nude photos on the Internet, bizarre videos on YouTube, seductive text messages. It's time for these young people to be exposed instead to role models who have the potential to inspire them to do the right thing. But instead of symbols of stability, they're finding other adolescents living through their own crises.

On the day of the Grammys, R&B singer Chris Brown allegedly beat up his girlfriend, pop star Rihanna, after an altercation over text messages that Brown received from another woman. Pundits, bloggers and reporters are weighing in. Some support Rihanna and are intent on not blaming the victim. Others want her to face the situation head-on and take a strong stand.

This week we're focusing on how Rihanna can help herself - and all the young people who admire her. Clicking on the title above will take you to www.HerMentorCenter.com and an article about domestic violence.

Sandwiched Boomers Re-examine Marriage

As Sandwiched Boomers with demanding family responsibilities, you have a tough balancing act. You're attending to your kids, parents and personal needs while still trying to nurture your marriage.

If your kids are teenagers you know they still need you, but not in the same way. Your role is different and you're left trying to adjust to changes in your identity. Or perhaps you have greater commitments now that either your parents or in-laws are older and need more help. There may be conflict about how to find the time and energy to help care for them.

Marriage often takes a back seat to the goings-on in a hectic household. And, as the nest empties, you may notice that you and your partner have grown apart. Now is the time to make a fresh start. For the rest of the week, we'll focus on tips that can help you reduce your family stress and reconnect with your partner.

Over the past several years we've published free monthly newsletters - many of them are about this very issue. And on our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, we've archived all of them. If you want to read about the marriage dance at midlife, click on the title at the top of this post. You'll find the stories of women who are facing struggles in their marriages as well as some ideas about how to assess what's going on in their relationships. Tune in tomorrow for more helpful tips on making marriage work.