Virtual Book Tour: Don't Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw

Today we welcome Roger Frame, Ph.D. to our blog to chat with us and answer questions about his new book, Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict. Dr. Frame, known as The Conflict Whisperer®, consults and conducts workshops across the United States on interpersonal conflict management issues. You’re sure to enjoy the book, filled with his quick humor and insightful techniques, just as we have. So let's get started.

Roger, how did you come to write this book, Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict?

Roger: When I completed my Ph.D., I took a job directing a 37 county child abuse treatment and prevention program through Southern Illinois University. I soon discovered that families do not generally become abusive because they are mean people. Rather, they become abusive because they are highly stressed, and don’t know a better alternative. When we provided training and support, 93 percent of those families had no subsequent reported abuse.

I married, adopted a child, and had a thriving private mental health counseling practice. Life was good. My wife subsequently earned her Ph.D. in counseling and obtained a university faculty position. Friends commented that our son wouldn’t have a chance with parents like us. They were wrong.

As my son entered his teen years, conflicts arose. Suddenly communication became more difficult. Six months after he graduated from high school, my wife announced that she wanted a divorce. One month after the divorce was final, my employer announced that another company was purchasing them, and my position had been eliminated.

Clearly, my life was not going as planned. It would have been easy to blame the world. Look at all the grief it was causing me! But there was one common ingredient to all the distressing incidents. Me. And there was only one thing I could change. Me.

So how did you go about changing yourself?

Roger: Even though I knew a great deal about conflict, perhaps there was something more I could learn. Even though I did not have control over many unpleasant incidents, perhaps I could do better in some areas where I do have control. I began to research the topic of conflict resolution in more depth, and I found many subtle but crucial factors that might influence the outcome of critical conversations.

I began to practice them, tentatively at first. Then more confidently until, one day, my son came to me and said, “Dad, I need to turn my life around and I can’t do it where I am living. Can I move home and live with you.” I will never forget that day! Subsequently, I married a wonderful woman, and I can report that the principles work well among spouses as well.

I believe that the principles contained in this book have turned my life around. I hope it will help you as well. There is only one person in this world you really can change, and that is you. This is your call to begin today. In my private practice, I used a phoenix with the motto “New Life Emerging” as my logo. Is it time for your new life to emerge?

What are some of the main points you discuss in your book?

Roger: A major premise is that conflict is not based on reality, but rather on a person’s interpretation of that reality. Therefore, in order to resolve the conflict, both sides must understand how their partner interprets the situation, and what interests need to be met.

While many people suggest that we always seek win/win solutions, it isn’t that simple. One style of conflict resolution for all situations is no more appropriate than one style of clothing for all situations. Just as you wouldn’t wear a bikini to the prom, or your wedding dress to work in the garden, you need to vary your conflict resolution style according to the situation. The different styles all have strengths and weaknesses. You need to know what these are, and when to use them.

What other principles are important in resolving conflicts?

Roger: How you present your case will be crucial to your success. If you begin by accusing and berating your partner, they will become defensive. However, there are alternatives that we discuss in the book. Begin with facts, because they are less controversial. Provide reasons, so your proposal does not appear arbitrary. Make it safe to discuss candidly.

As I found in my own life, the teen years frequently bring more conflict into our home. This is not just because of hormones. Neurological changes that are occurring in the brain contribute as well. It is no accident that car rental companies won’t rent to people under 25 and auto insurance rates drop at age 25. At a time when stimulation seeking and risk taking are increasing, the part of the brain that inhibits impulsive behavior and considers consequences is not fully developed until the mid 20s.

Since all interactions do not get resolved the way we would like, I also discuss four elements needed to make an effective apology, and nine steps that can facilitate forgiveness when you are ready to do so. It is not necessary to reconcile and become good buddies with the perpetrator to forgive them. The chief beneficiary of forgiveness is generally the one doing the forgiving.

You have a chapter that uses fly-fishing as a metaphor for conflict resolution. Tell us about that.

Roger: I started out describing how children frequently bait their parents by saying or doing something that will get the parent’s reaction. When the parents “bite the hook,” the child is in control, the parent is caught and may soon be frying in the skillet. Then all sorts of metaphors came bounding into my head. I recalled that in fly fishing your first casting movement is away from the target followed by a movement forward. In conflict resolution you will be able to hit your target more effectively if you first understand your partner’s interests, (pull back from your interests) and then make your pitch (cast forward.) When a fish is in a stream, they must quickly decide whether or not to take the bait or lose interest. Children often complain that parents drone on and on and on, and the child tunes out. Parents must learn to make the pitch brief or the child will tune out.

Where can people get your book and seminars?

Roger: Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict is available in most bookstores, and online as an e-book. I also love to do live workshops, and keynote presentations. Just contact me at my website at www.TheConflictWhisperer.com, or www.RogerFrame.com.

Our thanks to you, Roger, for chatting with us here about your stimulating and engaging book.

Now, readers, the floor is open to you and your questions. Just click the "comments" link below and ask away. Roger will respond to you in the comments section.

Toning Down Your Fights

Here we are again in March, which has the reputation of coming in like a lion, out like a lamb.


Do these changes in the tone of the weather mirror the shifting atmosphere of your relationships?

Images: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Everyone has fights sometimes but have you been wondering how you can switch your relationship squabbles from turbulent to sunny in the same way March does? Whether you're dealing with a significant other, your child, parent, in-law, friend or colleague at work, here are some tips for toning down the rhetoric and creating your own calm in the storm:

Commit to working toward change. Decide to let go of old hurt feelings and instead focus on the present and what you can do to transform it. When you find yourselves fighting the same battles again and again, determine to finally resolve them or agree to put them away with the understanding that you'll accept your differences of opinion.

Let go of your anger. Step back and take a deep breath - several actually. Leave the conversation for a while and find a healthy outlet for your negative physical energy - go for a jog, yell in the shower, hit a pillow, call a friend. When you remove yourself and deal with your anger, you can come back to the disagreement later when you both have calmed down. For some ideas about how sandwiched boomers can develop this approach, check out a past blog post.

Listen, really listen. Develop the skill of active listening - paying attention to what your partner is saying without distracting yourself by planning a response. Ask empathic questions and work to understand his position, feelings and needs, even if you don't agree with them. Conflict resolution techniques can work among family members as well as they do in business and international relations.

Fight fair, even as you keep your communication open and honest. Keep your messages on topic and avoid name-calling and criticisms about character traits and past actions. Focus on talking about behaviors and issues that can be modified. Let your partner know about how you react to his or her actions without putting a value judgment on them. For more tips about improved and effective communication, re-read our post about limiting your arguments.

Be willing to take some responsibility. As you acknowledge your part in the turmoil and begin to see your partner's perspective, it's easier to find the means to compromise and cooperate. Learn some of these practical strategies we offered to new bride Chelsea Clinton and her groom, Marc Mezvinsky, on a past blog post.

Insert some positives into the equation. Give compliments for positive behaviors you want to reinforce. Forgive your partner for mistakes made and offer an apology when you have been the one in the wrong. Shared humor can ease the strain of hostility and help forge a new sense of connection.

If your husband has been the main source of tension in your marriage, our virtual book tour with Jed Diamond about his book Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationships from the Irritable Male Syndrome can give you some additional suggestions about how you can dilute the anger and start enjoying each other again.

As you know so well, your relationship with your mother - or daughter - isn't immune to a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows either. As a matter of fact, it's often the closest emotional connection a woman has in her life. But close doesn't always mean easy. When you want some more insight into how to pull back a little, click on our virtual book tour with Susan Shaffer and Linda Gordon, authors of Too Close for Comfort: Questioning the Intimacy of Today’s New Mother-Daughter Relationship.

And here on the blog we also hosted a virtual book tour with Dr. Susan Lieberman, author of The Mother-In-Law’s Manual: Proven Strategies for Creating and Maintaining Healthy Relationships with Married Children. So if you're searching for more ideas about how to smooth over the friction between you and your daughter-in-law, you'll get some helpful advice from her.

You'll find more tools for developing successful relationships when you search our blog. Let us know what works for you - and remember spring is just a few weeks away.

A Gift for Chelsea and Marc: Conflict Resolution Strategies

Close to 85% of participants in a recent survey said they're accepting of interfaith marriages. But there can be challenges, especially if issues - like how to celebrate holidays, raise the children, honor life stages - haven't been talked about before the wedding.

Read about conflict resolution from Wikipedia and advice from interfaith couples to Chelsea and Marc. As differences can lead to disagreements, the best you can do sometimes is practice strategies to maximize your strengths:

Minimize emotional overload. Flooding is a physiological arousal that is activated when tensions are high and communication stalls. When quarreling, state a desired outcome and stick to the subject at hand. Try not to blame your partner or get defensive, and take some responsibility for what's going on.

Assume a non-threatening posture. Calibrate your emotions because your body language and tone of voice make a difference. Monitor any negative comments and be slow to criticize. Count to 10 before reacting and, if it looks like the conversation is escalating, walk away.

Agree to a time-out strategy. Before you say something you may later regret, decide to put some distance between yourselves and the problem. Plan to come back to the conversation later and work out a solution. And then take a break until you're less upset and settled down enough to listen without planning a rebuttal.

Find a comfortable position, close your eyes and breathe deeply. Hold your breath for several seconds and release it slowly through your mouth. Repeat this several times, brushing away any distractions. Notice how focusing only on each breath can make you feel more calm.

Pay attention to constructive thoughts. You can turn the negatives into more positives. For example, his anger isn’t all about me; we really do love each other; she's under a lot of pressure at work; this too shall pass; I'm upset now but I know we’re right for each other.

Why not familiarize yourselves with these techniques before a situation gets heated. You can create some key words together that will alert you to the potential danger ahead. Perhaps even use teasing, humor and laughter to cut through the drama.

Here's one of many sites that offers information for married couples. Visit our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, and read this article about how to fight fair. And log on to the blog Friday for our concluding post about marriage and conflict resolution.

Conflict Resolution for Boomer Couples

Don't you already know there is no perfect relationship? All couples get angry and argue, so you're not alone. But remember, when resolving conflict, keep your words sweet - you may have to eat them. Your arguments may not have as much fallout if you and your partner accumulate positive reserve in your emotional bank account - that is, the more positive interactions and feelings, the less damage.

Agree to stop arguing and postpone a difficult conversation until you're both feeling less upset. Decide, together, to step away and put distance between you and the situation. Take a break and wait until you both are settled enough to listen to each other.

While you're unwinding, think more constructively - for example, his anger isn’t all about me; we really do love each other; she's under a lot of pressure at work; this too shall pass; I'm upset now but I know we’re right for each other.

Throw yourself into an activity that gives you immediate release and stay there for a while - call a friend and let off steam, take a long run in the park, put on earphones and listen to music that stirs your soul.

Distraction can be powerful, no matter what form it takes. Be playful and try humor or turn the controversy into a debate. Using adaptive defenses can lead to deeper and more meaningful conversations.

Practicing these strategies can make a difference in the outcome of your disagreements. As Russian writer Leo Tolstoy said, "What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility."

Are you an entrepreneur or small business owner? In honor of Effective Communication Month, you can pick up tools to help you communicate better with your customers, clients and prospects - even your spouse! Although you do have to opt-in to get the free gifts of your choice, check out this giveaway to see if it works for you.

And remember to log on tomorrow for our Virtual Book Tour with Dr. Jed Diamond and his new book, "Mr. Mean." Come prepared with questions about the problems in your relationship - you'll receive smart and practical solutions from Jed.

Conflict Resolution in Your Marriage

Need some help with conflict resolution in your marriage?

Limit your arguments. If the situation between you and your partner is tense, small annoyances can seem bigger than before. When you argue, allowing bad feelings to fester only makes it worse. Don't turn your quarrels into something more or attach your reactions to another issue. Agree that you will together explore the problems in your relationship. And spend time learning about conflict resolution, direct communication and active listening skills. There's a lot of information available through relationship workshops, on the Internet and in the self help section of the bookstore.



Begin a process of serious talking. Can't do it alone? If you really want to work out your differences, you might consider consulting with a marital therapist or joining a couples' support group. When you each understand more about the other's needs and capabilities, you'll be clearer about the compromises you have to make. Then it will be up to both of you to decide whether or not you're willing to do the hard work. That may include efforts to change your current expectations, redefine what marriage means to you and create new goals for the relationship.

In the meantime, if the conflicts and arguments are getting you down, click on the title of this post to read an article from HerMentorCenter.com on Six Ways to Beat the Blues.

The Sandwich Generation and Communication

As members of the time-starved Sandwich Generation, do you sometimes wonder how you're going to get it all done? And now we're asking you to focus on your communication with your partner. Don't worry, these tips aren't too hard to integrate into your bag of tricks. And in the long run it'll help your other relationships:

Limit your arguments. If the situation between the two of you is tense, small annoyances can seem bigger than before. When you argue, allowing bad feelings to fester only makes it worse. Don't turn your quarrel into something more or attach your reactions to another issue. Agree that you will together explore the problems in your relationship. And spend time learning about conflict resolution, direct communication and active listening skills. There's a lot of information available through relationship workshops, on the Internet and in the self help section of the bookstore.

Begin a process of serious talking. Can't do it alone? If you really want to work out your differences, you might consider consulting with a marital therapist or joining a couples' support group. When you each understand more about the other's needs and capabilities, you'll be clearer about the compromises you have to make. Then it will be up to both of you to decide whether or not you're willing to do the hard work. That may include efforts to change your current expectations, redefine what marriage means to you and create new goals for the relationship.

Click on the title above and read an article on HerMentorCenter.com about couples' communication from the male boomer perspective. And share your ideas about what works in your relationship.

A dramatic chase scene in order to elude the press corps, followed by a secret meeting under the cover of darkness - that sure sounds mysterious. Yet makes sense in this complicated political campaign, full of inuendo and little closure.

But doesn't it actually parallel conflict resolution in real life? You have an argument with your partner over some issue that is important to both of you and then - after calming down and thinking it over - a productive discussion follows. But that's not the end of it, even though you both know what the final result should look like. You have to figure out who gives up what, who's really in charge and what do you get in return for compromising.

It's not that easy for Hillary Clinton right now. She is going through a normal letting go process while, at the same time, trying to hold on to her voters and concede the race. Even though she has a 30 million dollar debt, she has played an incredible role in womens' history. Whether or not she wants the vice presidency, she now has no choice but to make a gracious exit and help unite the party.

The dynamics have been turned upside down, with Barack Obama the victor and Clinton the vanquished. These kind of shifts can be tricky, as he gears up to be the democratic nominee. Hopefully their meeting was the first step in mending wounds and moving forward - that includes reaching out and bringing Clinton's supporters into the coalition.

Obama has stated clearly that his plan to choose a vice presidential candidate will consist of an involved process with detailed feedback from close advisors. In the end politics, like relationships, are very much about the people. And that decision is entirely up to him.