Toning Down Your Fights

Here we are again in March, which has the reputation of coming in like a lion, out like a lamb.


Do these changes in the tone of the weather mirror the shifting atmosphere of your relationships?

Images: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Everyone has fights sometimes but have you been wondering how you can switch your relationship squabbles from turbulent to sunny in the same way March does? Whether you're dealing with a significant other, your child, parent, in-law, friend or colleague at work, here are some tips for toning down the rhetoric and creating your own calm in the storm:

Commit to working toward change. Decide to let go of old hurt feelings and instead focus on the present and what you can do to transform it. When you find yourselves fighting the same battles again and again, determine to finally resolve them or agree to put them away with the understanding that you'll accept your differences of opinion.

Let go of your anger. Step back and take a deep breath - several actually. Leave the conversation for a while and find a healthy outlet for your negative physical energy - go for a jog, yell in the shower, hit a pillow, call a friend. When you remove yourself and deal with your anger, you can come back to the disagreement later when you both have calmed down. For some ideas about how sandwiched boomers can develop this approach, check out a past blog post.

Listen, really listen. Develop the skill of active listening - paying attention to what your partner is saying without distracting yourself by planning a response. Ask empathic questions and work to understand his position, feelings and needs, even if you don't agree with them. Conflict resolution techniques can work among family members as well as they do in business and international relations.

Fight fair, even as you keep your communication open and honest. Keep your messages on topic and avoid name-calling and criticisms about character traits and past actions. Focus on talking about behaviors and issues that can be modified. Let your partner know about how you react to his or her actions without putting a value judgment on them. For more tips about improved and effective communication, re-read our post about limiting your arguments.

Be willing to take some responsibility. As you acknowledge your part in the turmoil and begin to see your partner's perspective, it's easier to find the means to compromise and cooperate. Learn some of these practical strategies we offered to new bride Chelsea Clinton and her groom, Marc Mezvinsky, on a past blog post.

Insert some positives into the equation. Give compliments for positive behaviors you want to reinforce. Forgive your partner for mistakes made and offer an apology when you have been the one in the wrong. Shared humor can ease the strain of hostility and help forge a new sense of connection.

If your husband has been the main source of tension in your marriage, our virtual book tour with Jed Diamond about his book Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationships from the Irritable Male Syndrome can give you some additional suggestions about how you can dilute the anger and start enjoying each other again.

As you know so well, your relationship with your mother - or daughter - isn't immune to a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows either. As a matter of fact, it's often the closest emotional connection a woman has in her life. But close doesn't always mean easy. When you want some more insight into how to pull back a little, click on our virtual book tour with Susan Shaffer and Linda Gordon, authors of Too Close for Comfort: Questioning the Intimacy of Today’s New Mother-Daughter Relationship.

And here on the blog we also hosted a virtual book tour with Dr. Susan Lieberman, author of The Mother-In-Law’s Manual: Proven Strategies for Creating and Maintaining Healthy Relationships with Married Children. So if you're searching for more ideas about how to smooth over the friction between you and your daughter-in-law, you'll get some helpful advice from her.

You'll find more tools for developing successful relationships when you search our blog. Let us know what works for you - and remember spring is just a few weeks away.

The Reindeer Keeper

Today we are happy to welcome Barbara Briggs Ward to Nourishing Relationships for a virtual book tour. She's written a lovely book, The Reindeer Keeper: Believe Again, arriving just in time for the holidays. Barbara has a long history as the author/illustrator of children's books, especially the Snarly Sally series, and The Reindeer Keeper is her first work of fiction for adults.

NR: Welcome, Barbara. We're sure our readers would like to know more about you. For instance, what influenced you to become a writer?

Barbara: Growing up in the country provided me the biggest influence on the rest of my life for it offered me a constant backdrop to explore - and the more I played and explored, the greater my imagination grew. There were 4 houses in a row - all filled with relatives - aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, dogs and cats. My cousins and I had fields and pastures, creeks and old barns in which to play. But it was in a chicken coop converted into a clubhouse and filled with the desks/books/chalkboards of an abandoned one-room schoolhouse where we spent the majority of our time. If you go to www.thereindeerkeeper.com you can follow my blog, which chronicles those times growing up in the country.

NR: When did you start writing?

Barbara: I started writing when I'd spend hours playing in my chicken coop. There was something about that old place that intrigued me. Having my favorite books around me added to the wonder. After receiving a handmade pine desk as a Christmas gift from my grandfather, I knew I wanted to be a writer - but I don't think I understood what that meant. I kept cutting paper into little pieces and folding them to make little books. I kept scribbling and drawing with my crayons. I kept scribbling as I grew up. It was just something I did. After my first child was born, scribbles turned into endless storylines. I was hooked. Intrigue turned into passion. I had to write. I started writing because I couldn't stop.

NR: What was your inspiration for The Reindeer Keeper?

Barbara: Because my father was a funeral director, I was keenly aware of how beautiful the gift of another day really is. It offers us another chance. Obituaries always fascinate me, for they chronicle what individuals did during their time on earth. The thought of knowing when we began and not having control of the end date inspires me to make a difference; to take each day and live it to the fullest while along the way appreciate the little things.

The specific inspiration for The Reindeer Keeper was a snowfall on Christmas Eve. Watching those big, beautiful flakes float by the window with Christmas lights muted in the distance filled me with an urge to write a story of the season for adults - entwining that wonder of Santa Claus we all once felt with the real life we face each day. Besides having my grandfather's barn in my thoughts, that's all I knew when I sat down to write the story but as words came out, the characters took over.

NR: The Reindeer Keeper deals with relationships on so many levels. Your main character, Abbey, struggles with her own feelings of resentment towards her mother, which are so strong that her immediate family avoids the subject of her mother in any form. From where did you draw such conflict of emotions between a mother and a daughter?

Barbara: Much of what I wrote about this complicated relationship comes from my own experience with my mother. I believe even when no such conflict exists between the two it is a challenging relationship especially as the daughter grows and spreads her wings, forging her own path and in doing so, reflecting back on how her mother handled her own path and decisions she made along the way. I now find my own daughters doing the same.

With my mother it was a build up of resentment that only widened as the years went by. I was lucky though, for in the last 6 months of her life, being the only sibling living nearby I was "forced" to deal with her. Looking back, those 6 months were a gift for slowly the walls crumbled and slowly we began to talk and slowly I learned that underneath all the anger and hate I loved her more than I could have ever imagined. I'd sit at the end of her bed and listen and she would do the same. We'd laugh. We'd cry and from that period of time I discovered how unfair it is to judge others when in fact we are not walking in their shoes. When my mother passed away I felt at peace with her. I miss her more than I ever thought possible.

NR: In the book the relationship between the two main characters - Abbey and Steve - is that of a strong, solid marriage; rather refreshing in this day and age. How were they able to do this, considering all they had to deal with?

Barbara: In The Reindeer Keeper Abbey and Steve do have a good marriage but it is also revealed how they have been able to stay so happily together over their 30 years of marriage while confronting all the difficulties life has thrown at them. They communicate. They give and take. They understand each other; their strengths, weaknesses, body language. They enjoy each other's company; laugh and cry together. Of course they've had their bumps in the road but bottom line, their love has only deepened from when they first met in the '60s. And as they face their greatest challenge it is that strength between the two of them that carries them through the darkness.

NR: How do you use language to differentiate characters and settings?

Barbara: I use language to help describe a character, to set the tone and emphasis in describing settings. In The Reindeer Keeper there is an odd little man whose use of language is short and abrupt but as you read along and learn more about this character, that all makes sense. A reader can feel close to a character by learning a character's language. This adds to that feeling of getting into the book itself.

NR: What's your favorite book? Favorite word?

Barbara: I don't have a favorite book. I have two favorite authors, both rooted in my childhood and that chicken coop. It was inside that coop where I read all the Laura Ingalls Wilder and Lousia May Alcott books. And if I wasn't reading I was folding those pieces of paper and writing books.

My favorite word is morning for it offers hope and a new beginning - a gift of another day. Watching the world wake up yet again is empowering; seeing the sky turn from black to hints of daylight is inspiring.

NR: Barbara, thank you for inspiring us today with your candid answers. Readers, now it's your chance to continue the discussion about The Reindeer Keeper with Barbara by asking your own questions through the "Comment" link below.

Elizabeth Edwards: A Source of Inspiration

Elizabeth Edwards, diagnosed with breast cancer in 2004, died Tuesday at the age of 61. She often said she wanted to be in control and define her own life, not be defined by cancer or her husband's affair. After their separation, she figured out a new way of interacting with her estranged husband that was healthy for her children. Because for years she had been preparing them for what was to come. What Elizabeth called her 'dying letter' was really a lesson in living.

At one point Elizabeth wrote, "The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered. We know that. And yes, there are certainly times when we aren't able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like. It's called being human. But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful."

A source of inspiration, hers was a struggle of extraordinary dimensions. Elizabeth lived with high political ambition, marital betrayal, advancing cancer and optimistic determination. Her lasting legacy was that she weathered life's storms with fortitude and grace.

In a recent interview she said that she wanted to be remembered as someone who stood in the storm and, when the wind didn't blow her way, adjusted her sails. Elizabeth Edwards was a role model for all of us.

Sandwich Generation: A Chance to Grow

As a member of the Sandwich Generation, perhaps you are constantly challenged to be the best that you can be. As you assess your resources and strengths, realize that faith in yourself may be your finest quality.

Listen to others but primarily rely on your own instincts. Joannie Rochette believed in what she was doing and concentrated on th Olympics competition. She felt she was where she belonged - it's what her mother would have wanted for her. What is familiar can be calming - have faith in what you’re doing to heal. Realize your hidden internal strength as you trust yourself and look inside for answers. Emotional discomfort can be an opportunity and serve as an invitation to grow.
Increase your capacity to be resilient. It must have been extremely difficult for Joannie to maintain her composure and grace under these circumstances. Just as she has, take it one day at a time. Begin to develop strategies to manage stress and release tension. And you can call on your faith or spirituality. Step by step, you'll be able to turn your hopes and dreams into reality.

PART 5 - Thelma and Her Daughter Together

In years to come, Joanna never said a word to her mother about the incident, even though she did marry Clive. At the wedding Thelma vowed sobriety to herself so strictly that she ended up completely plastered by nine in the evening, lying in the arms of a man dressed in a green suit, who suggested that they engage in lewd acts in the back seat of his Toyota.

The marriage lasted just under a year. Joanna could not find a job as a professor and so became a real estate agent in Oakland, California, where she makes a quarter of a million dollars a year. Thelma, Rafe and Ginny continue hopeful, intense and concentrated on that big win just around the corner. No one has heard from Clive since, though Rafe occasionally dredges up faint memories of the man with the mole when he mutters, usually after a losing day at the track, "How's Clyde?"

Joanna calls her mother every Sunday.


A. R. Taylor is an award-winning playwright, essayist, and writer of fiction. In her book Male Novelists and Their Female Voices: Literary Masquerades, she explores gender-bending narratives and what they reveal about male attitudes toward women. She received two Emmys for her work in public television, and has, just recently, finished a novel called Sex, Rain, and Cold Fusion.

You can learn more about A. R. Taylor's work by visiting her website, www.LoneCamel.com. Click on the title of this post to enjoy a comic introduction to Anne's upcoming book.

"'Diving Duck Blues'" - Part 1 - Thelma's Daughter

A. R. Taylor is an award-winning playwright, essayist, and writer of fiction. We're serializing one of Anne's stories, originally published in the Berkeley Insider, all this week. "'The Diving Duck Blues'" involves the agony a mother feels at the great distance between herself and her daughter. Knowing full well that she has failed her child, Thelma still tries to understand her world, and to some extent, fit in. Ultimately, she can't, but she can still love her.

"'Diving Duck Blues'"

“If the river were whiskey, babe,
and I was a diving duck,
I'd dive on that bottom,
Baby - and I'd never come up.”
Sleepy John Estes

Thelma Ryan looked down at the red and white racing ticket and then tore it up. Outside Rafe and Ginny were talking on the swing. They were happy - they had had two winners and an exacta. Thelma's luck had been bad lately, probably because the moon was in Scorpio, she thought, as she looked down at the elaborately printed invitation perched next to the African violets over the sink.

"An Evening of Poetic License." She stared at it, gloomily.
"Come on out here, Thelma," Rafe yelled, "We're doing the Pick Six."

Thelma took a sip from a glass of scotch she had nearby, and sat down at the kitchen table. She held the invitation in her hand, wondering how she could possibly go to this event, not even really sure what the event was. Someone was reading poetry, and her daughter would be there, probably be in charge or something like that. She took another sip of scotch. Thelma and her husband, Frank, had been sipping whiskey for thirty years, maintaining, as it were, a fairly constant level of happiness. How much did her daughter know about her drinking, Thelma wondered.

"Ginny likes Prince Hardcastle in the eighth, Thelma," Rafe yelled again. Rafe was a handsome black man, about sixty, with very few teeth. Thelma and Ginny met him at Golden Gate Fields when he gave them a seventy-to-one shot that came in. Since they had had no big win in eight months, this made for a serious friendship.

"It's 'Slugfest,' I'm telling you," she yelled back. "The crap it is," Ginny yelled again. Ginny was a woman of few words, vivid dress, and intense dreams. Thelma wandered out to the swing and sat next to Rafe, who was completely absorbed in the racing form. It was a cool, sweet smelling day, the kind that made Thelma glad her fifty-two years had been spent in northern California.

"I don't know what to do," Thelma muttered. "Who does, Honey?" Ginny laughed.

She handed the thick white note to Ginny, who looked at it suspiciously, turning it around several times. "What the hell is it?"

Thelma suddenly felt too close to the edge of her drinking to explain, but then she focused her eyes on a dirty, almost mashed tennis ball lying in the grass. Joanna played tennis. She had given her daughter her first tennis racket, even though the steady "pock, plop" of the game put Thelma to sleep.

"Somebody's reading poetry, maybe a poet or somebody, or people like Joanna."

"Does Joanna write poetry?"

"I think she just reads it, or I don't--" Thelma drifted off. She did not quite know what Joanna did, studied a lot, that she knew, but about what, why and all, she just could not figure out. Some have their nose in a book, others in a bottle, she thought, not without a hint of laughter.

Thelma's drinking career had been long and steady. It had risen to a crescendo when her husband Frank died, and had now tapered off to about a fifth a day. She and Frank had been drinking buddies and had always managed to get each other home. Thelma never felt any real pressure to stop, although the night she sent the Plymouth into a ditch, called the tow truck, arrived home, whispering to the driver to keep quiet because Joanna was asleep, and managed to have not a single memory of the entire event (Frank told her about it)- all of this made her feel that she should cut down, if only a bit.

Thelma thought of herself as an artist of something she called the "buzz maintain." Whiskey just kept that little hum going that made the world spin at a slightly lower speed.

And she knew exactly where the line was that separated mere fuzziness and generalized good will from complete screaming wildness and blackout. Once in a while she went over that edge just to scare herself.

She wondered now if Joanna had known that at all those school plays, those ghastly talent shows, those award nights when the fat Spanish teacher would begin with "Buenas noches, everybody," Thelma was bombed. Unfortunately Joanna was sure to walk away with two or three awards, invariably presented at the end of the evening, after a horrendously painful list of Tommy's and Joey's and Kimberley's and Tara's, all of whose parents were dutifully present and sober, at least according to Thelma's glazed appraisal of the situation.

"At least I was there," she said out loud.

"Where?" Ginny muttered, now circling choices on her card.

"That 'Easy Easy' in the fourth, I've lost so much friggin' money on that asshole, he should be runnin' claiming races at the County Fair," Rafe declared. "Strictly glue factory material."

"Why do you bet him all the time, then, genius?” Ginny said as she inhaled her cigarette dramatically,

"I don't know, I keep thinkin', this time, baby, this time, but then I know that he'll be standin' in the gate, lookin' around sayin' 'A race, what race, I just want to stand here and fart.'"

Tune in tomorrow for Part 2.

In these shaky stock market days, many Sandwiched Boomers are facing additional difficulties as 401K's decline and retirement benefits melt away. The pundits tell us to keep our emotions out of the decision-making process, but that is not easy.

Your thoughts are mental products although they don't necessarily reflect an absolute reality. However, for you, they do represent how you feel. Some people can't help but operate emotionally. Others are more able to manage their emotions and function as if everything is fine.

Born to a single mother with serious financial problems, Debra often struggled with her feelings growing up. Now a married Sandwiched Boomer, with a lot of life experience under her belt, a family of her own, and more responsibility for her mom, she's dealing better with her emotions:

"I have to work at being more optimistic and worrying less. I no longer dwell so much on the negatives, and looking at things from a more positive perspective is not as hard as I thought it would be." Just like Debra, you can learn how to reframe your thoughts and take better care of your emotional self. Tune in tomorrow to learn some tips to beat the blues.