Humor Wins the Day

Do you sometimes feel like the proverbial tree falling in the forest? When your teens don't seem to hear you speak, you may wonder if you're actually making a sound. If you're frustrated - like this mother - by your attempts to communicate with your kids, maybe it's time to try some humor.

It's not easy being a parent today. There's a fine line between protecting our children from very real dangers facing them - drugs, bullying, sexting, online predators - and overly controlling them through helicopter parenting.

When you set clear boundaries and expectations about issues you consider non-negotiable, like their safety, you can work with your teens to get their cooperation on others without resorting to these kinds of threats. Inject some humor into your conversations and see if you can recover some of those good feelings and belly laughs from the past.

Anthony Weiner and Parenting in the Digital Age

Although Anthony Weiner stated that the women he corresponded with on Facebook and Twitter were all over the age of consent, recently more compromising photos have emerged and information has come out about a 'friend'/'follower' who is in high school. Although he may not have sent her any lewd photos or messages, this highlights the dilemma for parents of teens - how much to monitor your kids' online experience. On the one hand, you want to protect them from danger before it becomes inevitable, on the other, you want to allow them to develop their own autonomy.

Image: digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

With Facebook, twitter and other social media being such a large part of the connections in young people's experience today, parents need to set standards for their teens about how to use these interactive technologies. In a blog post this spring, we talked about the risks stemming from teen's sexting and what parents could do to help their kids protect themselves.

In that post, we pointed out the importance of being concrete with teens about the potential consequences of all risky behaviors - especially because of the slow development in their brain lobes responsible for functions such as good judgment. Sexting in particular can be an impulsive and dangerous activity and it may be impossible to completely erase a post from the Internet. Representative Weiner found this out when he attempted to delete his message after realizing that it was sent to everyone following him, not just the intended recipient.

Weiner has decided that, due to his inappropriate behavior, he requires a "course of treatment to make himself well." It's unclear what his treatment will address but for teens, with peer pressure being such a strong influence, parents can work toward helping their kids increase feelings of self-esteem and develop a respect for their own worth.

As a parent, the goal is to be present in your children's lives without overwhelming them with your input - it's a fine line. Just as you recognize their need for independence, you're also aware of the value of supervision at this stage of their development. You'll find more parenting tips for raising children in the digital age on the website of the American Academy of Pediatrics.

And lets hope that soon this poor example of role modeling by a public official moves off the front page so we can get back to talking with our teens about getting summer jobs rather than about lying and sexting.

Talking to Your Kids About Anthony Weiner's Lies

The recent media frenzy about the behavior of Representative Anthony Weiner highlights the dangers of two activities - sexting and lying - and provides a clear teachable moment to use with our teens. We would hope to have good role models for the actions we want to encourage but given the dramatic effects of the inappropriate messages and photos Weiner sent and the devastating results of his untruthful words, we can talk to our kids about the serious consequences of making bad decisions.

Weiner is under fire by his own party for his behavior, particularly for lying to the press, his staff, constituents, colleagues, friends and family about his participation in the sexting incidents. As parents, we know that young children lie - generally about once every two hours - sometimes to get something they want or to gain attention but usually to avoid getting in trouble and being punished. Often the lines between make-believe and reality become blurred.

But when do youngsters' little 'white lies' become teenagers' big destructive whoppers? And how do those teens behave as adults out in the world? The case of Congressman Weiner provides an unambiguous example of the slippery slope of lying. As Sir Walter Scott wrote two hundred years ago, "Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." Once you have begun to create a falsification, it's hard to extricate yourself.

According to the Josephson Institute of Ethics, more than one in five teens reveal instances of lying, cheating or stealing in the past year, with 80% saying they have lied to their parents about something significant. Teens are five times more likely than those over 50 to believe it is necessary to lie and cheat in order to succeed. As they move out into the world at large, these same young adults are two to three times more likely to misrepresent themselves in a job interview, lie to a significant other, keep money mistakenly given to them.

Why do children resort to these kinds of misdeeds? There are many possible reasons. Ethical standards may be seen as flexible guidelines, not rules. Poor role models abound in society, entertainment, political and sports worlds. Kids face high expectations and the pressure to succeed coming from parents and schools. There has been a normalization of certain illegal activities on the Internet - plagiarism of papers and reports, downloading pirated music and videos. And some baby boomer parents have transferred their signature emphasis on "me and my needs" to their offspring.

So what's a parent to do?

Be the role model you want you kids to emulate. And find other good examples of adults behaving well. They can help you reinforce the examples of integrity, authenticity, good citizenship that you want to encourage. Our boys looked up to John Wooden as they were growing up - you can find others in your own community.

As in other aspects of parenting, keeping lines of communication open is a good start. When your children are young, encourage and praise their honesty and let them know clearly what is unacceptable. As they mature, continue the dialogue about the real consequences of their behaviors, including lying. The American Academy of Pediatrics has a white paper with tips for improving communication with your teen.

Help your teens focus on learning for it's own sake without obsessing about tests and grades. Let them know that they don't have to be perfect to be competitive. When self-esteem is low, cheating and lying increase, so check out some tips from the American Psychological Association to facilitate building their self-confidence, resilience and self-respect.

As a member of Congress, Anthony Weiner's good judgment is also being questioned in terms of his use of social media as an outlet for his sexual proclivities. We'll talk more about that and how it affects your teens on Wednesday.

Dangers for Teens on the Internet

With the release of David Schwimmer's new movie, Trust, parents are once more put on notice about the importance of educating their kids about the dangers of Internet sex predators. Schwimmer directed and produced the movie about what happens when a 14 year-old girl begins communicating with a stranger in an online chat room. The entire family feels the damaging effects of the girl's victimization by an adult male posing as a teenage boy.

Photo by Keerati

Facebook and other social media, chat rooms and smart phones are a big part of young people's lives today. These interactive technologies give them a chance to stay connected with friends but also open them up to risks from the adult world. According to a survey conducted by the University of New Hampshire's Crimes Against Children Research Center, three-quarters of Net-initiated sexual exploitation victims were girls, aged 13 to 15. And three-quarters of the offenders were age 26 or older. Chat rooms were the most likely places for the relationships to start, with three-quarters of them beginning there. Most of the couples progressed to face-to-face sexual encounters with 93%of these involving illegal sex.

Many parents have also been concerned by the sexting that goes on among many high school students. Several states have proposed laws that are aimed at limiting this behavior by treating it as child pornography.

About the reaction to his film, Schwimmer has said he hopes "that viewers leave wanting to engage in more dialogue about Parenting in the Age of Technology." Have you begun a dialogue in your family about the net with your children or grandchildren? Here are some areas you may want to discuss:

Address the consequences of behavior early on so it's a topic they've heard before. Teens are often naïve about the long-term results of their actions. The sections of their brains responsible for good judgment have not matured enough for them to avoid dangerous situations. You'll need to spell out the possible outcomes to activities that seem innocuous but may be risky.

Talk specifically about the potentially serious end result of sexting. Teens are often impulsive and caught up in the excitement of acting on a dare without considering the consequences. While they are not able to process the potentially negative end point, it's up to you to remind them that once they've put something out on the Internet, they can't erase it, no matter how many times they hit the 'delete' button. The American Academy of Pediatrics offers some suggestions for helping you speak about the problem of sexting with your kids.

Discuss the importance of privacy and self-respect. Peer pressure is an especially strong force at this developmental stage but give your teens the tools to avoid going along with the gang when they feel uncomfortable. Reinforce the value of their opinions as they make decisions that are appropriate for their safety.

Have regular family meetings to keep your communication open and honest. As a parent, be present in your children's lives without overwhelming them with your input. Encourage them to share their concerns with you and listen without being judgmental. You'll all need to practice cooperation and compromise as you come up with solutions that take everyone's needs into account.

Walk the fine line between knowing when to let go and when to keep an eye on your teen. Give your teens the freedom they crave within the confines of your supervision. If you believe their health and safety is being threatened, you may need to draw on 'tough love' and shut down your kid's Internet access.

As a parent, when you monitor your teenager's online usage, you'll be aware of potential threats before they get out of control. Even if your teen is in a chat room with someone she knows, it may lead to sexual exploitation since Net-initiated sex crimes are actually more common among acquaintances than strangers. The American Academy of Pediatrics has just released a new report about the impact of social media on kids. You'll find more useful information and parenting tips on their website to help with your important role of raising children in the digital age.