Tweens and Social Media

Now that Facebook has finally gone public and lawsuits have been launched about the process, will the media frenzy about it subside? Attention is already being paid to other social media sites – including those aimed at kids, tweens and teens. With summer beginning and school out in the next couple of weeks, soon your kids will be having more time on their hands. Are you concerned about how they may be spending it?

Parents try to keep an eye on how and where their children are on the Internet, but the kids seem to be one step – or click – ahead in their search for freedom. And they're beginning younger and younger. While most don't have their own mobile phones until they're teens, 15% of children under 11 now have them. Although the age limit on Facebook is 13, many tweens have their own pages there. Kids are using Viddy, a video-sharing app, on their pages and they've learned to use sites such as Instagram, a photo-sharing app, to text each other.

As a parent, you want to protect your children from online predators, bullies, inappropriate advertising or their own naïve sharing of personal information. At the same time you recognize that the Internet is a part of their social and academic experience and you want them to learn how to use it responsibly. Now there are educators attempting to do just that. Playground is being developed by the Annenberg Innovation Lab at the University of Southern California to teach kids about Internet responsibility and privacy in addition to how to create content.

We've blogged here before about on-line safety and supervision – you can check out some of our tips for talking with your kids about the Internet. Of course you'll want to do your own homework before you decide which websites you'll allow your kids to use, if any. The American Academy of Pediatrics gives some suggestions for talking with them about time limits, your expectations for their behavior and rules they need to follow.   

If you want to get a jump on the process, here's a look at some of the virtual sites where your tweens may say they want to hang out this summer:

On the social media site KidzVuz, kids are encouraged to make and share their own videos -reviewing books and movies as well as food and clothes. They can't conduct private messaging and there is careful monitoring of comments to keep them in the protective guidelines.

Everloop is a social media site just for tweens where they can design their own pages, join groups that interest them, chat and play games. There are safety controls built in and bullying or bad language is not allowed by the monitors.

Tween girls who are interested in fashion may spend time on FashionPlayte. They can design and then order these clothes for themselves or their dolls on the site.  

Disney owned, established-site Club Penguin has activities and games for younger children to play as well as the opportunity to connect and chat with each other. With its embedded safety controls, it doesn't allow them to share personal information or treat each other with disrespect.

Now that you have some more ideas about what's happening on-line for your tweens, you can get back to planning how to get them away from the computer and outdoors this summer.

Pledge to End Bullying Now

The emotionally charged issue of childhood bullying is back in the forefront of public attention after the opening of the documentary, Bully, earlier this month. According to the Department for Health and Human Services, between1/5 and 1/3 of teens report being bullied within any given year. While kids may often be aggressive to one another, to qualify as bullying, this behavior requires specific qualities: it is repetitive and uses an imbalance of power with intent to cause harm.

Some parents of children being bullied may feel powerless to stop the harassment and protect their children, despite their best efforts. After the suicide of their 11-year old son, Kirk and Laura Smalley were able to move beyond their deep pain and create something positive honoring Ty’s memory. They began lecturing about the problem and created a website, Stand for the Silent. It encourages others to get involved and prevent further persecutions by being supportive of the intimidated kids, empowering youth to create cultures of kindness and stand up to bullying.

Parents can help promote upstander – rather than bystander – behavior in their own children by role modeling empathic behavior toward others. Here are some steps you can take to help create a safe environment, a Just and Caring Community, for all kids:

Talk openly. And often. Use the good communication techniques you’ve learned over the years – using active listening, sending i-messages, attending to non-verbal signals, keeping your emotions in check. Encouraging honest conversations with your children teaches them to trust themselves in expressing their thoughts and feelings to others. 

Show kindness and empathy. Nurture positive relationships around you and express your gratitude for them. Lead in helping your child find healthy, non-abusive ways to resolve conflicts. Reinforce the family rules, including those that don’t tolerate behavior that is harmful to another.

Respect diversity. Broaden your own circle to include more of the rich cultural tapestry of your community. Encourage your children to accept and learn about others who are different from them.

Care for others. Reach out to help and support those who need comfort. Give back as you build an atmosphere of responsibility and compassion in your home that can extend into your child’s world at school and beyond.

Act to protect those in danger. Get involved yourself in causes you believe in and let your children know that actions can generate effective outcomes. Reinforce your teen’s commitment to create a safe school environment and take actions to defend a victim of bullying.

Bully has now been viewed by thousands of children and families across the country. The film may be uncomfortable to watch but the experience powerfully challenges all of us to work together to stop bullying.

Bully

When the documentary Bully opened this month in theaters all over the U. S., it revived the national dialogue about childhood bullying. The film follows three students and their families over the course of one school year and two families whose children took their own lives in desperation. The filmmakers have created TheBullyProject website which provides resources and motivates us all – parents, children, families, educators – to act towards eliminating bullying.

Bullying is pervasive in our society today – research indicates that one in three children have been involved in an incident, either as perpetrator or victim. It’s been estimated that 13 million children in the U.S. are bullied each year, with 3 million being absent from school each month because they feel threatened there. Children with special needs are especially vulnerable – they’re 60% more likely to be attacked by bullies. If your child or someone you know is being tormented, you can reach the bullying helpline, 24/7, at 1-855-201-2121 for help and support.

Here are some actions you can take as a parent if you fear your child is being bullied:

Prepare yourself. Slow down and be ready to have a private conversation when you don’t have any major distractions. Sometimes a familiar setting can include a minor diversion to help your child become more comfortable sharing – in your car, when you’re playing catch, working on a puzzle, completing a chore together.

Talk with your child. Create an atmosphere of trust by using your active listening skills. When you’re speaking, ask open-ended questions in a non-judgmental, non-threatening way. Don’t interrupt his responses. Try to keep your emotions in check and be clear in the message you are conveying. Be available and let your child know that his feelings and thoughts are important to you.

Pay attention to non-verbal communication. It may be difficult for your youngster to open up and verbalize facts and feelings so notice her body language. And express your own support with physical closeness and comforting hugs as well as your words. You may not learn all the facts at one time so be patient and come back to the issues later.

Be positive. Let your child know that you are on his side, it’s not his fault and he doesn’t deserve to be bullied. Role model your own constructive behavior and good communication skills at home. Arrange for her to spend time with friends in a safe environment outside of school so that she can develop personal strengths. Discourage them from bullying others in response.

Contact your child’s school. Once you have a clear understanding of what’s been going on, write it down so that you have a straightforward narrative about the problem. Identify the appropriate people in your child’s school to contact and communicate your concerns to them. If your school has an anti-bullying policy in place, follow the procedures outlined there. The administrators have a responsibility to eliminate harassment, protect your child from harm and create a positive environment for learning.

On Wednesday, we’ll continue the discussion of bullying and give you some suggestions for preventing your own children from harassing others and for encouraging them to stick up for a threatened friend.

Teen Daughters and Conversion Disorders

Are your daughters feeling the pressures of adolescence? Parents at Le Roy Junior-Senior High School in upstate New York are still concerned, months later, as their teens continue to experience verbal outbursts, involuntary movements and tics. Although Sigmund Freud first described this combination of symptoms as Mass Hysteria, the difficult to diagnose condition is now known as Conversion Disorder.

It’s a rare condition with both psychological and neurological factors. These young women are left frustrated, behind in school and socially isolated. Not able to live a normal life, families want answers for these psychologically triggered yet real sensory and motor symptoms.

After an investigation and a battery of health, soil and environmental tests, the Le Roy administration and state health officials report no known environmental or infectious cause. Some speculate that, in essence, the brain makes the body sick. And there may be a combination of underlying causes: a history of trauma or abuse, pre-existing anxiety or stress, a personality that is highly suggestible.

In this situation, a high school cheerleader woke up from a nap one day with uncontrollable tics and stuttering. Known as the bellwether, a key group member can exhibit behavior that deviates from the norm, and then others develop similar symptoms. It’s not unlike other adolescent reactions, even bullying or suicide. The group's social status and close proximity, as well as the teenager’s need for acceptance and belonging, may foster unusual and dangerous conformity.

If you’re parenting teens, you’re probably not dealing with something as serious as conversion disorder. But adolescence is a developmental phase that’s full of potential pitfalls and no one gets through unscathed. Increased awareness and support can help your kids - these practical insights may be a good place to start:

Remember what it was like for you growing up. What did you do to bond with and feel accepted by the group? And how did you respond to peer pressure? Share your experiences with your kids and give them emotional support as they learn to manage their teen relationships.

Don't hide your concern. You really can't anyway. Your growing kids pick up signals from you even when you think you're protecting them. At the same time, don't burden them with pressures beyond their ability to handle them.

Keep the lines of communication open. Discuss what they're worried about, as you come face to face with your own fears. The more you are able to discuss the strains affecting all of you, the better you can begin to cope with them.

Raising Kids - Little Athletes, Big Leaders

"To score on and off the field, your child must first have clear goals and the will, knowledge, and discipline to attain them," says Bruce Beaton. He's a Canadian Football League All-Star, two-time Grey Cup winner and author of Little Athletes Big Leaders: Effective Sports Parenting.

I love this book, being the grandma of five boys, all involved in one sport or another. I spend a lot of time cheering on the sidelines of baseball diamonds, soccer fields, basketball courts. Trust me, Beaton, with his in-depth and honest approach, has written the go-to guide for parents who want to raise kids to be leaders in youth sports and beyond.

Benton says, "Children generally model what they see, and react less effectively to what they hear, especially when the two contradict. Why not set a goal to teach children by example, and then use your voice to question, guide, and connect?" As a role model for your kids, this may be reinforcing what you already know or a wake-up call.

Beaton warns parents not to be negative with their sports parenting. "Our positive talk will become their positive self-talk, and we will create an enthusiastic athlete who loves the entire learning experience." He encourages parents to notice and comment often on their kids' hard work, team spirit, persistence, winning attitude.

Purposeful daily work is the key to forging strong character. And practice leads to mastery and self confidence. Benton writes, "You can teach them that focusing on a proven, effective approach, rather than dwelling on short term results, is the key to both peak performance and long term success. The expectation is simply for them to do their best every day in order to be the best they are capable of being."

If you're a parent, remember that little eyes are watching and little ears are listening. Your children see potential through your eyes, create connections through your hands and discover opportunity through your choices. You are the filter through which your kids learn how to get along with others and how to make a difference in the world. Help them build their character and skills while they build their goals and dreams. On Bruce's website, you can read more about him, his ideas and his book.

Testosterone Levels Decrease in New Fathers

As mothers, we've experienced the hormonal roller coaster of pregnancy, labor, delivery and postpartum emotions. We felt more attached to our growing baby as our progesterone and estrogen levels rose early in pregnancy and remained high, supporting the development of a healthy, well-nurtured baby. Then our oxytocin levels spiked while we gave birth - just the beginning of the mommy brain we formed. All of these dramatic hormonal changes made us more involved with our infants, during pregnancy and as new mothers.


Studies are now showing that men, too, are hardwired to be caring parents - their testosterone levels drop significantly when they become fathers and their estrogen levels climb somewhat. There is also an increase in their level of prolactin, the nurturing hormone, and a rise in cortisol, which creates greater alertness and sensitivity to danger for their newborns. The increase in cortisol combined with the decrease in testosterone leads new fathers to avoid risky behaviors that could otherwise interfere with the responsibilities of parenthood.

Image: Louisa Stokes / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The decrease in testosterone leads to physical changes that increase new fathers' abilities as caregivers and help them bond with their new infants: their immune system functions better, helping to avoid infections, their lower level of libido leads to a lesser urge to go out and reproduce, there are reduced levels of competition with other males, the risk of prostate cancer is reduced - and new fathers can even hear the cries of their infant more easily.

So while macho men may attract us when we are single, it's their decrease in testosterone that keeps us together as a family unit, raising our children. It's nice to know that our husband's commitment to us and the kids is part of his evolutionary destiny.

How about your guy? Did you notice a change in his feminine side after the birth of your children? And if he's already become a grandfather, did you see another spurt when he began taking care of the grandkids? Jump in and use the comment button below.

On Wednesday we'll be hosting another Virtual Book Tour here on the blog. Please check back in then as we chat with Gayle Forman about her young-adult novels.

Boomerang Kids Moving Back Home After College

Not since the Great Depression have so many fledgling adults moved into the empty nest with mom and dad. This cyclical trend has accelerated along with the economic crisis. So many of our kids are dealing with school loans or debts and can't find a job. It makes sense for them to head for home, where there's the hope of some emotional and financial support.

The statistics have changed markedly over the past few years. Monster's 2009 annual entry level job outlook reports that 40% of 2008 college graduates moved in with their parents and 42% of 2006 graduates were still living at home. A poll from Twentysomething, Inc. indicates that 85% of 2011 college seniors planned to move back in with their parents. This is attributed to a 15% unemployment rate in the 20-24 year old cohort as well as other economic factors that are postponing financial and residential independence. The numbers are even worse for students who attended for-profit college programs (and who may not have even left home in the first place).

The huge boom in boomerangs has generated its fair share of pop culture angst. This phenomenon really doesn't reflect failure on the part of parents or the laziness of kids today. Transition to adulthood just seems to be more fragmented and complicated. And who wouldn't take advantage of a warm, comfortable and familiar port in the storm?

But coddling can stunt development and over-managing isn't the best way to monitor the investment you've made in your kids. Here are some ideas that will eventually help you reap the dividends:

Have a serious conversation. Understand why your emerging adult is moving back and how you feel about it. It will be best for everyone if, early on, expectations are similar. Watch out for triangulation - that is, identifying any one of you as the problem and aligning one against the other. It's common for relationships to shift as you all work to accommodate these changes. You need to be prepared for less privacy and spontaneity as well as new patterns of interacting and parenting.

Establish accountability and boundaries. Negotiate household chores and financial obligations upfront. Having rules in place will ease the transition and smooth out the day-to-day interactions. As your kids have been on their own and independent, clarify issues around curfew, checking in and sleepovers. And set limits together, as adults.

Do you have a boomerang kid moving back in? Click on "Comments" below to share your concerns and solutions. Log on Wednesday for more practical ideas that can help your family make it work.

Anthony Weiner and Parenting in the Digital Age

Although Anthony Weiner stated that the women he corresponded with on Facebook and Twitter were all over the age of consent, recently more compromising photos have emerged and information has come out about a 'friend'/'follower' who is in high school. Although he may not have sent her any lewd photos or messages, this highlights the dilemma for parents of teens - how much to monitor your kids' online experience. On the one hand, you want to protect them from danger before it becomes inevitable, on the other, you want to allow them to develop their own autonomy.

Image: digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

With Facebook, twitter and other social media being such a large part of the connections in young people's experience today, parents need to set standards for their teens about how to use these interactive technologies. In a blog post this spring, we talked about the risks stemming from teen's sexting and what parents could do to help their kids protect themselves.

In that post, we pointed out the importance of being concrete with teens about the potential consequences of all risky behaviors - especially because of the slow development in their brain lobes responsible for functions such as good judgment. Sexting in particular can be an impulsive and dangerous activity and it may be impossible to completely erase a post from the Internet. Representative Weiner found this out when he attempted to delete his message after realizing that it was sent to everyone following him, not just the intended recipient.

Weiner has decided that, due to his inappropriate behavior, he requires a "course of treatment to make himself well." It's unclear what his treatment will address but for teens, with peer pressure being such a strong influence, parents can work toward helping their kids increase feelings of self-esteem and develop a respect for their own worth.

As a parent, the goal is to be present in your children's lives without overwhelming them with your input - it's a fine line. Just as you recognize their need for independence, you're also aware of the value of supervision at this stage of their development. You'll find more parenting tips for raising children in the digital age on the website of the American Academy of Pediatrics.

And lets hope that soon this poor example of role modeling by a public official moves off the front page so we can get back to talking with our teens about getting summer jobs rather than about lying and sexting.

Talking to Your Kids About Anthony Weiner's Lies

The recent media frenzy about the behavior of Representative Anthony Weiner highlights the dangers of two activities - sexting and lying - and provides a clear teachable moment to use with our teens. We would hope to have good role models for the actions we want to encourage but given the dramatic effects of the inappropriate messages and photos Weiner sent and the devastating results of his untruthful words, we can talk to our kids about the serious consequences of making bad decisions.

Weiner is under fire by his own party for his behavior, particularly for lying to the press, his staff, constituents, colleagues, friends and family about his participation in the sexting incidents. As parents, we know that young children lie - generally about once every two hours - sometimes to get something they want or to gain attention but usually to avoid getting in trouble and being punished. Often the lines between make-believe and reality become blurred.

But when do youngsters' little 'white lies' become teenagers' big destructive whoppers? And how do those teens behave as adults out in the world? The case of Congressman Weiner provides an unambiguous example of the slippery slope of lying. As Sir Walter Scott wrote two hundred years ago, "Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." Once you have begun to create a falsification, it's hard to extricate yourself.

According to the Josephson Institute of Ethics, more than one in five teens reveal instances of lying, cheating or stealing in the past year, with 80% saying they have lied to their parents about something significant. Teens are five times more likely than those over 50 to believe it is necessary to lie and cheat in order to succeed. As they move out into the world at large, these same young adults are two to three times more likely to misrepresent themselves in a job interview, lie to a significant other, keep money mistakenly given to them.

Why do children resort to these kinds of misdeeds? There are many possible reasons. Ethical standards may be seen as flexible guidelines, not rules. Poor role models abound in society, entertainment, political and sports worlds. Kids face high expectations and the pressure to succeed coming from parents and schools. There has been a normalization of certain illegal activities on the Internet - plagiarism of papers and reports, downloading pirated music and videos. And some baby boomer parents have transferred their signature emphasis on "me and my needs" to their offspring.

So what's a parent to do?

Be the role model you want you kids to emulate. And find other good examples of adults behaving well. They can help you reinforce the examples of integrity, authenticity, good citizenship that you want to encourage. Our boys looked up to John Wooden as they were growing up - you can find others in your own community.

As in other aspects of parenting, keeping lines of communication open is a good start. When your children are young, encourage and praise their honesty and let them know clearly what is unacceptable. As they mature, continue the dialogue about the real consequences of their behaviors, including lying. The American Academy of Pediatrics has a white paper with tips for improving communication with your teen.

Help your teens focus on learning for it's own sake without obsessing about tests and grades. Let them know that they don't have to be perfect to be competitive. When self-esteem is low, cheating and lying increase, so check out some tips from the American Psychological Association to facilitate building their self-confidence, resilience and self-respect.

As a member of Congress, Anthony Weiner's good judgment is also being questioned in terms of his use of social media as an outlet for his sexual proclivities. We'll talk more about that and how it affects your teens on Wednesday.

Dangers for Teens on the Internet

With the release of David Schwimmer's new movie, Trust, parents are once more put on notice about the importance of educating their kids about the dangers of Internet sex predators. Schwimmer directed and produced the movie about what happens when a 14 year-old girl begins communicating with a stranger in an online chat room. The entire family feels the damaging effects of the girl's victimization by an adult male posing as a teenage boy.

Photo by Keerati

Facebook and other social media, chat rooms and smart phones are a big part of young people's lives today. These interactive technologies give them a chance to stay connected with friends but also open them up to risks from the adult world. According to a survey conducted by the University of New Hampshire's Crimes Against Children Research Center, three-quarters of Net-initiated sexual exploitation victims were girls, aged 13 to 15. And three-quarters of the offenders were age 26 or older. Chat rooms were the most likely places for the relationships to start, with three-quarters of them beginning there. Most of the couples progressed to face-to-face sexual encounters with 93%of these involving illegal sex.

Many parents have also been concerned by the sexting that goes on among many high school students. Several states have proposed laws that are aimed at limiting this behavior by treating it as child pornography.

About the reaction to his film, Schwimmer has said he hopes "that viewers leave wanting to engage in more dialogue about Parenting in the Age of Technology." Have you begun a dialogue in your family about the net with your children or grandchildren? Here are some areas you may want to discuss:

Address the consequences of behavior early on so it's a topic they've heard before. Teens are often naïve about the long-term results of their actions. The sections of their brains responsible for good judgment have not matured enough for them to avoid dangerous situations. You'll need to spell out the possible outcomes to activities that seem innocuous but may be risky.

Talk specifically about the potentially serious end result of sexting. Teens are often impulsive and caught up in the excitement of acting on a dare without considering the consequences. While they are not able to process the potentially negative end point, it's up to you to remind them that once they've put something out on the Internet, they can't erase it, no matter how many times they hit the 'delete' button. The American Academy of Pediatrics offers some suggestions for helping you speak about the problem of sexting with your kids.

Discuss the importance of privacy and self-respect. Peer pressure is an especially strong force at this developmental stage but give your teens the tools to avoid going along with the gang when they feel uncomfortable. Reinforce the value of their opinions as they make decisions that are appropriate for their safety.

Have regular family meetings to keep your communication open and honest. As a parent, be present in your children's lives without overwhelming them with your input. Encourage them to share their concerns with you and listen without being judgmental. You'll all need to practice cooperation and compromise as you come up with solutions that take everyone's needs into account.

Walk the fine line between knowing when to let go and when to keep an eye on your teen. Give your teens the freedom they crave within the confines of your supervision. If you believe their health and safety is being threatened, you may need to draw on 'tough love' and shut down your kid's Internet access.

As a parent, when you monitor your teenager's online usage, you'll be aware of potential threats before they get out of control. Even if your teen is in a chat room with someone she knows, it may lead to sexual exploitation since Net-initiated sex crimes are actually more common among acquaintances than strangers. The American Academy of Pediatrics has just released a new report about the impact of social media on kids. You'll find more useful information and parenting tips on their website to help with your important role of raising children in the digital age.

Parents Weigh in on Tiger Moms

Amy Chua's book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother continues to make waves among women and parenting experts. It's gotten everyone talking about how to raise children today, in the midst of all the distraction out there. As mothers, we all want the best for our kids, but what does that really mean? The best at academics, the best at music, the best at sports, the best at relationships, the best at self-esteem, the best at balance?

Here on our blog, the comments we've gotten from you so far are overwhelmingly in favor of Western Moms over Tiger Mothers, but with the recognition that children do need rules and boundaries. And that, as parents, we need to acknowledge a healthy respect for the individuality of each child in helping them develop into successful adults.

Most of the media have come down on the side of western parenting, as well. Janet Maslin has written a scathing review in the New York Times book section, describing Ms. Chau as a narcissist who "never fails to make herself its center of attention" rather than on focusing on what is best for her daughters.

Ms. Chau believes that being a Tiger Mother encourages self-esteem in her children because they truly excel in particular activities. But some parenting experts note that overly controlling the choices teens can make may instead foster a negative self-image.

Parenting is never easy and there's lots of input available from developmental professionals. Clinical Psychologist Wendy Mogel advises parents to set standards and role model their values but then allow their teens the freedom to make their own decisions - and face the consequences of their actions. She calls it "compassionate detachment" and believes it helps build strength and resiliency in teens.

We've looked at different kinds of parenting styles here on our blog before. When Lenore Skenazy shocked overly protective helicopter moms with her book about how she was raising her 9 year old son, Free Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry, we talked about letting your children make some of their own decisions. In another blog post, we suggested that you resist micromanaging your teens and encourage them to do more independent problem solving. As your kids mature and head for college, the message is to ease up on being too directive and instead let them learn from the consequences of their actions.

Of course, it's true that western children waste many hours on texting, video games and television - more than 4 hours a day, according to Nielsen figures. On one of our blog posts, we gave you some tips about how to get your kids unplugged and find creative outlets for them instead. Even though it can be frustrating to try to wean them away from electronics, setting family rules about what is and is not acceptable is easier when your include your children in the planning process.

Of course you know well that parenting is messy and complicated, with you "ad-libbing" some of the time. You need to dig deep to understand your children's strengths and weaknesses - as well as your own - in creating your personal style. And recognize that it will develop as your kids grow and change. But when you give your children the room to rely on themselves and build independent problem solving skills, you are teaching them about how to succeed in life, as well as in school.

So what are your thoughts about all of this? Let's keep the conversation going. Just click on the "comments" button and share your experiences with all of us.

Are You a Tiger Mother or Western Mom?

With the publication of her book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, Amy Chau has unleashed a flurry of heated discussions about parenting styles. When an excerpt of Yale Law Professor Chua's book was printed in the Wall Street Journal, there were well over 5000 comments - more than any other article in the history of their website.

Chau insists that her book is a memoir, not a guide about child rearing. But by describing her strict Chinese mother rules for her two daughters, now teens - no playdates, no sleepovers, no TV, no school plays, no choice in extracurricular activities - she emphasizes the control she exacted as they were growing up. And Chau explains the rigid academic demands she set for her daughters - getting no grade less than an A, being the #1 student in every school subject, playing the piano or violin at an expert level, winning gold medals. She justifies this by stating that it will serve her children in good stead as "achieving academic excellence gives you self-esteem."

By comparison, Western parents may be seen as coddling, soft and weak. Chau notes that studies have shown Chinese parents spend about 10 times as long each day drilling their children in academic subjects. But many have noted that these behaviors may have adverse effects. Arguments about parenting styles do not happen in a vacuum: the suicide rates are above average for Asian-American girls aged 15 - 24.

The Wall Street Journal followed up with an article by author Ayelet Waldman offering the flip side of parenting, In Defense of the Guilty, Ambivalent, Preoccupied Western Mom. Waldman highlights the value of letting children find their own way as they learn from their failures as well as their successes.

As moms, we all try to do the best we can, knowing that each child requires something different from us and there is not one right way to parent all children. Given those caveats, where do you weigh in on this battle between "tiger mothers"and "western moms"? Let's hear what you think about these very different parenting styles.

Here are some questions to consider: How do you describe your own mothering style? What's worked for you and your children? How were you raised? What do you think about how your grown kids are parenting their children? Is it really a cultural difference between East and West or a difference in expectations? We'll consider these questions again next Wednesday as we take a second look at tiger mothers and western moms.

Be sure to join us this Wednesday as we host a virtual book tour with Dr. Gary Small, author, with his wife Gigi Vorgan, of The Naked Lady Who Stood on Her Head: A Psychiatrist's Stories of His Most Bizarre Cases. Dr. Small, director of the UCLA Memory and Aging Center and professor of psychiatry at UCLA's David Geffen School of Medicine will answer our questions and be open to yours as well.

Virtual Book Tour: Quality Parenting

Today we are delighted to welcome Dr. Ilene Val-Essen to our Virtual Book Tour. She is a parent educator and the author of Bring Out the Best in Your Child and Your Self. In three easy steps, Ilene teaches parents how to prevent and solve problems with mutual respect. Why don't you read on and see for yourself?


Nourishing Relationships: What is the purpose of the book?

Ilene Val-Essen: Bring Out the Best in Your Child and Yourself helps parents create a family environment based on mutual respect. As we bring out the best in each child, we inevitably discover the best within ourselves.


N R: Why did you write the book?

Ilene: As a parenting instructor I discovered that attitudes are even more important than the effective communication skills that most parenting books focus on. I wanted to help parents recognize those attitudes that bring out the best in their children and those that invite resistance and rebellion. Most importantly, I knew that family life could be so much easier and I wanted to help parents shift their attitudes so that they could enjoy a family based on mutual respect.

N R: What makes the book unique?

Ilene: One aspect of the book’s uniqueness is the deep respect it models for our children’s yearning to be their best. The book accepts that this drive for growth is a core part of our children’s very being, a part of their nature. While the book acknowledges this spiritual component, it offers practical, proven techniques to encourage cooperation, independent and responsible behavior.

Another aspect is how the book views difficult behavior—our children’s and our own. This challenging behavior is viewed as a cry for help: an ineffective attempt to meet a legitimate need. As parents learn to meet their needs, they’re better prepared to help their children meet theirs.

N R: The book is organized around a 3-Step Process. What is it?

Ilene: The Three-Step Process offers parents a system they can rely on to solve and prevent problems with mutual respect. The first step helps us recognize when we’re “off center”—stressed, upset, overwhelmed or angry. When we’re not at our best, it’s tough on our kids. We can’t help a child, teen or grandchild become calm and centered until we’re there ourselves. Step two helps us let go of stress, to step back and become calm. The final step helps us to become centered: to adopt the attitudes and model the effective skills of mutual respect.

N R: What do you mean when you tell parents to “water the flowers, not the weeds”?

Ilene: It sounds quite silly to imagine watering the weeds in our gardens, when it’s the flowers that we want to grow. Too often, we give our children attention for behavior we want to discourage, rather than acknowledging the behaviors that we want to encourage. What we feed naturally grows!

N R: For what age child would this book be most helpful and what will women gain by reading it?

Ilene: Whether parenting toddlers, children or teens, the book promises that family life can be so much easier.

Imagine spending less time:
• Feeling overwhelmed or exhausted
• Repeating yourself or nagging
• Yelling or screaming
• Playing referee

• Imagine spending more time:
• Feeling calm and centered—even at difficult times
• Enjoying children and teens who are more cooperative and reasonable
• Preventing problems instead of rushing to solve them
• Living with mutual respect

Thanks so much, Ilene, for introducing us to your unique approach. Readers, whether you're concerned your kids or helping out with your grandkids, click here for more information about Bring Out the Best in Your Child and Your Self, Ilene and the work she does.

We’re also grateful to all who have dropped by - and now it's your turn. If you have questions for Ilene or want to share your ideas, please click on "Comments" at the bottom right-hand corner of this post. Just follow the prompts - we want to hear from you!

Sandwich Generation: Caring for a Family in Flux

It's never been easy for members of the sandwich generation, faced with the challenges of caring for aging parents and growing kids. And in today's world, family pressures are often compounded by job loss, economic concerns or workplace stress.

If you're trying to get a handle on these issues, here are some resources:

Tomorrow at Noon EDT (9am PDT) listen to Blog Talk Radio - scroll down to Upcoming Episode, "Nourishing your Family Relationships without Starving Yourself" to read more about it. As guests of Dr. Sandra Haymon, we'll be answering questions and providing tips for caregivers.

And log on here anytime this Wednesday, October 27, for our Virtual Book Tour with parent educator, Dr. Ilene Val-Essen. She'll be talking about her recently published book, Bring Out the BEST in Your Child and Your Self. Be sure to click on "Comments" at the end of that post to ask Ilene your parenting questions. In the meantime, you can go to her website BringOutTheBest to learn more about her book and classes.

Here's a quick tip about quality time with family: If you're overworked, overscheduled and frantic for time to enjoy family, why not start a weekly tradition? Schedule time together a couple of hours on the weekend. Take turns planning dinner out, a walk in the park or movie night. You'll see how this helps everyone feel more cared for and you'll feel less guilty about how busy you are all week.

Want to read about how kids can cope better with inevitable stress? And for nurturing yourself, our article, How to Nourish the Sandwich that is You, may be just what you need.

And while you're on our website, Her Mentor Center, browse around the home page menu - in the Newsletter Library, Family Relationships and Video Library, there's lots of material with practical tips for you and your family. And you'll also find information about our free newsletter, Stepping Stones, and ebooks, Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching Your Goals and Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success.

Helicopter Parents Following Kids to College

Precisely who are these Helicopter Parents? They're the ones who pay such close attention to their children's experiences and problems that it's smothering. And when these over-protecting parents are fearful or worried and restrictive, their kids often become too dependent and doubt themselves. Over time, they don't have the life skills to assess risks, make decisions and take care of themselves.

And what about the parents, themselves? This Washington Post article, written by sociology professor Dr. Margaret Nelson, is called Helicopter Moms Heading for a Crash. She says this parenting style, which she calls "highly personalized care," is extremely time consuming and emotionally demanding, sometimes at the expense of the rest of a busy mom's life.

Such over-parenting can produce children who experience a delayed adolescence and, when the time comes, are not ready to leave home. This can be particularly apparent during the transition from home to college life. Some professors and administrators describe parents' attempts to smooth out obstacles, to the extent that they play an active part in choice of college, roommate and classes.

You may want to look around CollegeConfidential.com, a site that offers all kinds of information and support related to college. The forums for parents contain extensive discussions about the pros and cons of parental involvement in this process.

Of course, we've all had situations where giving up control was an issue, and there can be a multitude of reasons - because protecting our kids becomes automatic over time, we think we know what's best for them, it's not easy to let go of old familiar roles. So if you find yourself hovering, not sure where to draw the line, some of these tips may help you back off:

Being too directive fosters reliance. You may want to be involved with their class assignments, extra curricular activities or job searches. But this is the time when developing decision-making skills is paramount to a strong sense of self.

As they make more of their own decisions, let them deal with the consequences. Be supportive as they negotiate roommate disputes and dating dilemmas. Learning how to cooperate, compromise and accept disappointment are all part of the college experience.

Technology makes it too easy to stay connected. If it feels satisfying to both of you, establish a middle ground. Let them know that you’re there if they really need you but don’t enable their dependency.

Be sure that parents' weekend is on your agenda. During these activities, you'll be able to commiserate with other parents who understand how you're feeling. And meeting with the teachers and administrators is the best way to find out what's going on.

Discover what you feel passionate about. Follow your dream of changing jobs, going to school or volunteering. Join a hiking group or exercise class. Take up bridge or yoga. Now is the time to put you front and center for a change.

There are always two sides to every story. Here's an article from the new NBC website, FamilyGoesStrong.com, that speaks to the need for greater family support in tough economic times. So many adult children have college loans to repay or can't get a job and, according to recent statistics, more of them are moving home than leaving.

Apparently the 20s are the new adolescence and adult children are marrying later. The Today Show interviewed mom, Geri Brin, and her 31 year old son, Colby. She wants to play cupid and is taking a more active role in partner selection - and it's OK with him. She has added a dating component to her website, FabOverFifty. Although some may see that as meddling, Geri says she's just casting a wider net.

We've had a lot of fun this week, exploring separation and individuation within the family. Now it's your turn. Let us hear your thoughts, from helicopter parenting to free range kids and beyond - we know you're out there!

Helicopter Parents and Teen Self Esteem Month

Did you know that May is National Teen Self Esteem Month? And that a negative self image can affect learning and social skills as well as lead to delinquency, eating disorders and substance abuse? Some experts believe there's a correlation between how much and what kind of control parents exert and how their children experience themselves.

Growing up, perhaps your parents kept such a close watch over you that it felt suffocating. Have you ever thought, now that you're the parent of teens, that you're doing the same thing? As parents, it's perfectly normal to want to advocate for and protect your child. But what is too much?

The term Helicopter Parent refers to those who hover, are overly involved and rarely out of reach. Do you regularly rush to school with forgotten lunch money or speak to teachers about missing assignments? Instead of a sense of entitlement, perhaps it's time to instill a sense of personal responsibility.

Adolescence, with its hormonal changes and peer pressure, can be a challenging stage of development. You may feel ambivalent about backing off, especially if your kids are stressed out or emotionally fragile. But learning to let go is really in the best interests of everyone.

To learn more, wikipedia.com has references and the definition of helicopter parenting. And we'll be sharing our own practical tips with you the rest of this week. If you're ready to get started, sign our email list to the left of this post and download a free ebook - reading it may help you find the courage to take the first step!

The Process of Getting Unplugged from TV and Video Games

Are your frustrated in your efforts to get your kids away from their electronics?

You probably know that when you children do become unplugged from the entertainment media, they can more easily connect with the real world around them. But unhooking them is not easy to do. Here are some ways to begin:

Be a positive role model. Try not to leave the TV on as a background noise or a distraction. And don't watch TV yourself just to fill the time. When you watch only a few particular and favorite shows, your kids will better understand the restrictions you set for them.

Include your children in planning which shows they will watch and when. Remind them to limit their screen time to only the specific ones they have chosen. Set the amount of time they can play video games, hand-held or on the TV - perhaps specify days or times for this activity. Make up a chart so they can plan for the week. And have them be accountable by filling in the times they have watched.

Set family rules about what is and is not acceptable in terms of TV and video game usage. Let your kids know that you plan to be consistent in enforcing them. You can even buy a TV/video game time management tool that allows you to implement the time limits you have set with your children.

You may find that, as in any dramatic change, it takes many baby steps to change your kids' television viewing habits and video game playing. When you feel overwhelmed by the thought of unplugging them and limiting their screen time, remind yourself that it is a process. Celebrate the progress that you are making to create a richer and more interactive environment for your children.

And talk with your children about the advantages they have that other kids may not. Introduce them to the Fresh Air Fund - a non-profit that sponsors free summer experiences in the country and suburbs to inner city boys and girls, ages 6 to 18. Last summer the Volunteer Host Family program called Friendly Town gave close to 5,000 children a chance to enjoy a short summer vacation away from the city.

You may decide to enrich the lives of these children - and your own as well - by supporting the Fresh Air Fund camps or even becoming a host family, if you live near the east coast.

How to Get Your Kids Unplugged from TV & Video Games

Even when it is clear what you want to do, how do you begin to separate your kids from their video games and TV? Can you turn their attention to other pursuits?

It's not a simple process, but you can start by talking about why it's important to reduce your kids' electronic screen time. Help them see that watching less TV is not a punishment, but rather an important part of their growth. Convince them to buy into the value of unplugging, and you can all brainstorm together about other stimulating activities.

If you are a Sandwiched Boomer, single parent or working mother, you're likely already stressed by all the responsibility and may be tempted to use television as a baby sitter.

Instead, encourage your children to help you while you are doing chores around the house - bring them into the kitchen to make dinner, let them fold their own laundry, create a game to see who can straighten up faster. Talk with your kids while you're doing your tasks and make them a part of the process.

Set aside time for them to play outside with their friends. Learn more about after school activities in which your kids can participate - at school, in your local community center, at the park. Check into summer reading competitions at your local library. Even with cutbacks due to the poor economic climate, you can find available creative and physical outlets.


Encourage your children to read instead of watching television or playing video games. With young children, read to them at night before bedtime. Think about how you can make reading more interactive and interesting for your older kids. Set an example - have a good book of your own handy so that you can sit down with them and read together. Help set up a children's book club for them and their friends.

You'll find some additional tips for creative activities with your family this summer on our website www.HerMentorCenter.com - feel free to explore it and let us know what's helpful to you. We welcome your comments, here on the blog and on our new Facebook fan page, Nourishing Family Relationships. Please let us know what's on your mind. And tune in later this week for more practical tips and strategies for success.

Getting Children Unplugged from TV & Video Games

Have you noticed that your kids are becoming more attached than ever to television, video games and texting? And the season doesn't seem to matter. In winter, the shorter daylight hours and long, dark evenings allow less time for outdoor play. During summer, with more free time and fewer structured activities, it's easy to turn to electronics for stimulation.

The latest Nielsen figures indicate that children are watching more TV than ever, with ages 2 to 5 watching over 32 hours a week. While television time for children aged 6 to 11 drops slightly, due to school hours, it's still more than 28 hours a week. That is, on the average, greater than 4 hours a day. These numbers include VCR and game console usage but not time on the computer or playing hand-held video games.

Are you concerned about these staggering numbers? The American Academy of Pediatrics and other child healthcare advocates certainly are. They warn that this increased television watching may be linked to two significant childhood issues: obesity and delayed language development. For the past decade, parents thought that educational baby videos would help their infants develop language skills but, instead, studies found that infants who watch these kinds of videos actually learn fewer vocabulary words than those who don't.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends only an hour or two of quality TV and videos for children older than 2 years and none for those below that age. The AAP has devoted an entire section of their website to educating families about media influences and empowering parents in the quest to monitor and protect their children. Pediatricians present their case for limiting screen time and also provide safety tips for internet usage. There are articles relevant to older children concerning cyberbullies and the dangers of logging into inappropriate internet zones.

And continue to tune in here this week. We'll give you some tips for getting started as you craft a plan to wean your children from excess hours of television and video games. If you need some courage to begin the process, clink on the link to the left to receive a complimentary copy of our ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned.

Questions and Answers: "Too Close for Comfort"

Plenty of sandwiched boomers tuned in yesterday to take part in our interview with Susan Shaffer and Linda Gordon. We had a spirited discussion with the authors of Too Close for Comfort: Questioning the Intimacy of Today’s New Mother-Daughter Relationship. Our thanks to Susan for being so generous with her time – here are a sampling of questions and her responses:



Several Readers had specific questions about their relationships with their daughters.

Reader: I hear you! Some days my 20 year old daughter and I are so close and others it's as if she hates my guts. If I try to talk about what's going on, it gets worse. What can I do short of keeping my distance and letting her work it out?

Susan: It is important as our daughters grow up to let them start coming to you for advice. This is the time to step back and practice active listening. This approach gives our daughters the message that we have confidence in their ability to take care of themselves. At the same time, we support them in a healthy way for them to begin to chart their own course.

Reader: My daughter used to be my best friend but since she left for college in the fall I hardly hear from her. What's going on? Sylvie

Susan: Your daughter's job is to become more self-sufficient. Our job is to give her the opportunity to do so. We also learned from working with mothers and daughters that they can't be best friends because the relationship is never equal. You can share characteristics of friendship, enjoying each other's company, empathy, loyalty, caring, etc. but mother always trumps best friend. Your daughter will come back to you. Also, think of this as good news. She is adjusting well to her new environment. If she was unhappy, you would hear from her more frequently!

Reader: Deep in my heart I know my relationship with my 29 year old daughter isn't that healthy. She comes to me instead of to her husband or friends. But I love what we have together. Is it really so bad?

Susan: It's all about balance. However, once your daughter gets married, her husband should be her first go to person. It is important that they establish a solid foundation for their marriage. You may have to help her to do this by encouraging her to go to her husband as her "first responder." This is not an easy transition, but it is an important one in order for your daughter to create her own family

Another talked about how her relationship with her daughter changed when she had a daughter of her own.

Reader: My daughter and I went through some rough times during her adolescence & early college years. But now that she has a daughter herself, she understands & values our relationship very differently. as do I. Though she has moved far away, we are closer in heart--something I never had with my own mother.
I profoundly miss my daughter's and granddaughter's almost daily physical presence in my life,but I still feel an incomparable connection. I am grateful that we have achieved a healthy balance that transcends the miles.

Susan: I am so happy to hear that you and your daughter have remained close even though you don't live close by. One daughter said to us that after she had her first child she forgave her mother for everything!

Others commented on the mother-in-law role.

Reader: I don't have any daughters - only sons, and the relationships with them are complex in their own ways too. When they married, I hoped to have some of the feminine friendship closeness you describe with my daughters-in-law. But that hasn't really happened. Any thoughts about the appropriate level of closeness with DILs?

Susan: I don't think there are any easy answers with in-laws, whether they are male or female. A new person into the family changes the dynamics and brings a different lens to the family system. This can be very helpful in forming close relationships and it can also make it difficult to be close. There isn't one type of appropriate relationship. It depends upon the personalities, interests and sharing similar values. What we have seen is that over time and with great patience and shared experiences relationships grow and you can have a positive friendship with your daughters-in-law. Don't give up!

Reader: All of us Moms should often remember that the mother-in-law is NOT the only person who should wear beige and zip it up. Savtie

Susan: Dear Savtie, In our book we write about the benefits of duck tape! I don't know about wearing beige...not my favorite color.


Provocative questions and thoughtful answers, don't you think? You can order Susan's and Linda's book through Amazon.com. And click on the title of this post to learn more about the other books these smart women have written.

If you want more of these kinds of events, please add your comments here or email us at Mentors@HerMentorCenter.com. And visit our website by clicking on the first link on the left below, "Her Mentor Center". You can also sign up for our newsletter, Stepping Stones, by clicking on the link below marked "FREE Newsletter." We publish a monthly newsletter that focuses on helpful strategies for coping with children growing up and parents growing older.