Testosterone Levels Decrease in New Fathers

As mothers, we've experienced the hormonal roller coaster of pregnancy, labor, delivery and postpartum emotions. We felt more attached to our growing baby as our progesterone and estrogen levels rose early in pregnancy and remained high, supporting the development of a healthy, well-nurtured baby. Then our oxytocin levels spiked while we gave birth - just the beginning of the mommy brain we formed. All of these dramatic hormonal changes made us more involved with our infants, during pregnancy and as new mothers.


Studies are now showing that men, too, are hardwired to be caring parents - their testosterone levels drop significantly when they become fathers and their estrogen levels climb somewhat. There is also an increase in their level of prolactin, the nurturing hormone, and a rise in cortisol, which creates greater alertness and sensitivity to danger for their newborns. The increase in cortisol combined with the decrease in testosterone leads new fathers to avoid risky behaviors that could otherwise interfere with the responsibilities of parenthood.

Image: Louisa Stokes / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The decrease in testosterone leads to physical changes that increase new fathers' abilities as caregivers and help them bond with their new infants: their immune system functions better, helping to avoid infections, their lower level of libido leads to a lesser urge to go out and reproduce, there are reduced levels of competition with other males, the risk of prostate cancer is reduced - and new fathers can even hear the cries of their infant more easily.

So while macho men may attract us when we are single, it's their decrease in testosterone that keeps us together as a family unit, raising our children. It's nice to know that our husband's commitment to us and the kids is part of his evolutionary destiny.

How about your guy? Did you notice a change in his feminine side after the birth of your children? And if he's already become a grandfather, did you see another spurt when he began taking care of the grandkids? Jump in and use the comment button below.

On Wednesday we'll be hosting another Virtual Book Tour here on the blog. Please check back in then as we chat with Gayle Forman about her young-adult novels.

Musing About Marriage

I couldn't treat today as if it were just like any other. It's my anniversary - 46 years married to the same guy - and it's got me thinking about a lot of things: perspective, the passage of time and especially how couples can "live happily ever after." Here are some of my musings, along with the thoughts of various relationship experts.

The Pew Research Center recently conducted a national poll looking at modern marriage and new family constellations. Although more unmarried couples are living together than ever, marriage is still the gold standard in relationships, with 70% of Americans having been married at least once. The average age of first time marriage keeps rising - for men, it's 28 and for women 26. Couples want to be settled in their careers before tying the knot. Perhaps that's one reason why married folks tend to be more financially secure than couples living together.

While studies show a correlation between marriage and happiness, it's not marriage that makes you happy, it's a happy marriage that make you happy, says psychologist Daniel Gilbert. The investment of time and energy in this intimate social relationship brings a sense of wellbeing, even with the drop in happiness after the birth of a child.

We all have heard that men and women are different in many ways - they're even from separate planets according to John Gray. Men from Mars are usually intent on fixing problems while women from Venus are more attuned to talking about what is bothering them and validating their feelings. With the divorce rate continuing to hover around 50%, understanding these differences between the sexes is worth the effort it takes from both partners.

A recent article in the Wall Street Journal contrasted the styles of introverts and extroverts who happen to be married to each other. Each group makes up about half of the population, according to psychologist Laurie Helgoe, so a pairing is quite likely. While both can enjoy time spent with friends, extroverts become energized by being with other people while all that stimulation can be draining for introverts, who instead recharge themselves by being alone. Understanding the needs of your partner's preferred style and allowing for those differences makes for fewer conflicts between you and your spouse.

Encouraging love and forgiveness can sometimes be difficult when men and women cope with the stresses between them differently. While women may be comfortable talking with their spouses about stresses, men often withdraw to think about the issues. This can lead to mistakes in interpreting each other's actions: wives often believe husbands aren't interested in looking at problems while men may think women complain because it's so bad it can't be fixed.

Even if your partner seems to "complete you," most couples need friends as well as each other. Having someone to relate to outside your role as parent and partner can give you a sense of autonomy and self-worth as well as a greater appreciation of your spouse. The opportunity to hear another viewpoint can also enlarge your world and increase what you can bring back to your own marriage.

When conflicts arise, use what you know about your partner's style to help you work towards reconciliation. Once you have a better understanding of what motivates your partner to act as he does, you can consider new ways to respond. Respect his need for distance while letting him know you're ready to dialogue whenever he is. Once that door is open, identifying your feelings and asking for support can be the first steps in resolving differences between you and setting the stage for a long-term relationship.

John Wooden as Role Model

Having celebrated and thought about the family men in my life yesterday, I remembered that our Los Angeles icon John Wooden had once been described as a "walking Father's Day card."

His philosophy of life - as well as his entire persona - exemplified everything we could wish for as a role model for our children. We were fortunate to be able see him here, on occasion, during the years of his retirement from basketball. He was an accessible fixture in our community - breakfasting at a local diner, speaking to the staff for his birthday lunches at our community hospital, signing books full of his wisdom at UCLA. My older son attended the Wooden basketball camp as a teenager, learning fundamentals, teamwork and good sportsmanship as well as soaking up the home-grown aphorisms that Coach was eager to share.

Looking back over his sayings, it's clear that they don't relate only to competitive athletes but rather to all of us who strive for a life of value and meaning. Always the teacher, here are some of Wooden's motivational thoughts through the years:

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.

Don't give up on your dreams, or your dreams will give up on you.

Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.

The main ingredient of stardom is the rest of the team.

Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.

Talent is God-given; be humble. Fame is man-given; be thankful. Conceit is self-given; be careful.

You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.

Can these sound bites form a solid foundation for some of the lessons you want to impart to your own children? This week we'll look at how John Wooden and other sports figures can serve as role models and set the tone for your own parenting.

And if you'd like to read about some other contemporary figures who can be role models for you and your family, join our free newsletter email list and receive a complimentary copy of Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching for Your Goals.

Learning How to Listen Like Your Favorite Pet

When your partner speaks, do you think you're as good a listener as the family dog or cat? Lets take a look at what pets may bring to the table with good listening skills and emulate their behavior:

1. Look directly at your partner and pay attention - don't let your mind wander off topic or to your potential response. Make the person who is speaking the most important one in the universe at that moment.

2. Allow your partner to complete his or her thoughts. When it is appropriate, use active listening to indicate that you understand what they are saying. Don't interrupt or offer your opinion unless you are asked.

3. Tune in to the emotional undercurrent coming from the speaker and let him or her know that you empathize and provide unconditional support. Staying physically close allows you to "touch" your partner virtually as well as in reality.

4. Allow your partner the freedom and time to find his or her own solution. By demonstrating this trust in your partner's abilities, you can be supportive but not directive.

5. Recognize your partner's perspective. For men whose first reaction may be to solve a problem described to them, remember that many women are seeking not solutions but to have their concerns heard. They want to have their feelings validated by those closest to them. Women are generally attuned to talking about what is bothering them and are more likely to feel loved and cherished when the men in their life connect with them in this way.

On the other hand, men's conversations often revolve around how to fix things, solve a problem, accomplish a goal - that is, when they're not about the score of the latest, or a classic old, game. For some, the focus may be about winning, being the best, outperforming the others in a competition, being at the top of the food chain - it's almost as it their confidence and self-worth depend on it.

Would you like to learn about how some prominent men and women - including Ted Kennedy, Tim Russert, Susan Boyle, and Sully Sullenberger - touched others and coped with challenges in their lives? Click on the link to the left where you can sign up for our monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones, and receive a complimentary copy of the ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned, which showcases tips and strategies to use in your own life, especially if you're a Sandwiched Boomer.

Honoring Our Dads on Father's Day

We end our week dedicated to improving our understanding of the men in our lives by thinking about fathers. Traditional wisdom tells us that, especially in the past, they were less involved with parenting than mothers. But, looking back at our own childhoods, we recognize that we've gotten so much from them. They taught us how to do things, how to accomplish our goals, and especially how to feel cherished.

Usually they would teach by playing - at first by throwing us up in the air as babies, later by hitting a tennis ball back and forth or teaching us chess moves or how to dive - or any number of other activities we loved to do with them. And even if they didn't communicate as well verbally as our mothers did, they let us know how proud of us they were. As we grew and matured, our relationship changed but the bond of their love was always a constant.

To read more about how the connection with our fathers is transformed as they age, click on the title above to take you to our website, HerMentorCenter.com. It links you to our article, "How to Shift from Daddy's Girl to Dad's Caregiver." As a Sandwiched Boomer, we hope you will find the tips there helpful in caring for your aging father.

This weekend, if you can, let Dad know how much you appreciate the role he has played in your upbringing. If your father is no longer alive, share stories about him with your children and grandchildren so they will know the kind of man he was. And a very Happy Father's Day to all the men in our lives.

Intimate Relationships We Share with Men

With the divorce rate continuing to hover around 50%, understanding between the sexes is worth the effort it takes from both partners. Encouraging love and forgiveness can sometimes be difficult when men and women tend to cope with the stresses between them differently. While women generally feel more comfortable talking with their spouses about what is bothering them, men often withdraw and pull away to think about - rather than talk about - the issues. This can lead to each making mistakes in the way they interpret each other's actions. The woman may believe that her husband isn't at all interested in looking at the problem while the man may think that his wife is only concerned with complaining about it and that it is so bad it can't be fixed.

When you have a better understanding of your partner's behavior and what motivates him to act as he does, you can begin to consider new ways of responding. Respect his need for distance while still letting him know that you are ready to start a dialogue whenever he is. Once that door is open, learning how to identify your feelings and ask each other for support may be the first steps in resolving the differences between you.

To learn more about how to enjoy and share a close relationship, click on the title above. It takes you to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, and our article, "Avoiding Infidelity: 8 Tips to Keep Partners Faithful." And you can find more of our tips about marriage and divorce on www.Divorce360.com. Simply click on the link on the left and look for articles by Her Mentor Center.

Men at Work - More than Just a Sign

Linguist Deborah Tannen has written numerous books about the conversational styles of women and men, in families and at work. According to Tannen, problems can occur, especially in a job setting where the members are not as knowledgeable about each other, when men and women don't understand the rituals that define each other's approach.

Women, even in a work setting, generally use conversational strategies that are considerate and sensitive to the other person's feelings, even when giving negative feedback. Demonstrating an emphasis on getting the job done without "flexing their muscles," women tend to downplay authority. Men who are not familiar with this strategy may see them as less confident and competent - and act on that assumption. At the same time, men are more inclined to use oppositional strategies - such as banter, putdowns, teasing - that avoid them being placed in a one-down position. The problem here is that women may then see men who behave this way as hostile and arrogant. All of this makes for pretty complicated communications!

Any of this sound familiar to you? If so, perhaps the next time you find yourself in this kind of situation, either at work or at home, don't take it personally. Recognize that the guy - colleague, boss, supervisee, partner, brother, spouse - isn't reacting to you alone. It's just his way. After all, we know how men hate to ask anyone for directions. They seem to be embarrassed by their need for help and see it as a loss of power. The more you understand the motivations behind their behavior, the easier it is for you to get along with and enjoy the men in your life.

To read the opinions of some men about their relationships with women over the years, click on the title above. It will take you to our website, HerMentorCenter.com and an article there, "Point of View: The Male Boomer and Long-Term Relationships."

Competition and Cooperation

Yesterday, in honor of Father's Day, we started a blog series about how to better understand the men in our lives. We looked at how their conversations often revolve around how to fix things, solve a problem, accomplish a goal - that is, when they're not about the score of the latest, or a classic old, game.

Visiting this week with our three young grandsons, it is easy to see how this focus develops early. As we watch them play together, and play with them, it is striking how many of their activities involve competition. Playing H-O-R-S-E on the garage basketball net or hockey in the basement with makeshift goals or baseball at the park - it's mostly about winning, being the best, outperforming the others. Even when we are working together building electric circuits, their need to "be first" - at each and every step - often overwhelms their interest in learning how to create something new. There's no denying that each of the boys seem to feel the need to be at the top of the food chain - it's almost as it their confidence and self-worth depend on it.

We women attempt to socialize the boys and encourage them toward cooperation. But, in most cases, their default is to treat each other as rivals to be beaten. Boys' play tests their abilities to relate to one another through competition as they vie for position. More concrete than girls, they don't generally share their emotions. When they do, usually it's anger and hurt that spill out in response to some slight. Tomorrow, we'll look at how these early differences are reflected in our on-going relations with other males every day.

To read more about grandchildren and our bonds with them, click on the title above to take you to an article on our website, HerMentorCenter.com, entitled "Create Meaningful Bonds with Your Grandchildren Across the Miles."

The Men in Our Lives

Last week, we enjoyed Amy Dickinson's visit to our blog and her look at the important role women in her family - "The Mighty Queens" - have played. Now, with Father's Day just a week away, we turn our focus toward the men in our lives - fathers, brothers, husbands, lovers, sons, teachers, grandsons, even colleagues - and consider our relationships with them. We play a vital role in nourishing "our men" and are nourished by them as well. But how much do we really understand them?

John Gray has written about communication problems between men, from Mars, and women, from Venus, encouraging both to come together, celebrate their differences and understand one another. Gray describes men as "Mr. Fix-it," ready to offer solutions to problems without necessarily listening to the whole story and validating the feelings behind them. Women, on the other hand, are more attuned to talking about what is bothering them and are more likely to feel loved and cherished when the men in their life connect with them in this way. These different styles of communication can also mirror different needs for intimacy. Gray describes men as "rubber bands," who draw close and then pull away in their expressions of love. This snapping back and forth can leave women confused and hurt.

So how do we gain understanding of "the guys" and learn how to get what we need from them? Stay tuned in this week as we look at positive ways to experience the men around us. And, to learn more about how men in long-term relationships view communication, click on the title above to take you to an article on our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, entitled "Father's Day, Boomer Men and Communication."

Tomorrow we start by taking a deeper look at how differences begin early in children's development.