Tax Day Minus One and More

Women are used to multi-tasking, thinking about and dealing with many issues at the same time. Still, your head may be spinning today with the complex activities going on - Emancipation Day, the celebration of President Lincoln’s freeing of slaves in the District of Columbia 150 years ago, Patriot's Day with the 116th running of the Boston Marathon and Tax Day tomorrow when 144 million income tax returns are due to be filed.

Women and taxes are in the news again as the debate continues between moms who work in and outside the home – begun by Hilary Rosen’s comment about Ann Romney - while the Senate discusses the so-called Buffet Rule. Is our society ready to redefine caregiving as productive labor, with support and tax credits? Wherever you stand on these issues, you know that for women it’s a struggle to balance the logistical, emotional and financial demands of work and family. When you’re also caring for an aging parent, you may begin to feel overwhelmed by all of your responsibilities.

If you're a Sandwiched Boomer supporting both your growing children and aging parents, you may have already consulted with a tax advisor about claiming both sets as dependents. After all, you want to conserve as much of your nest egg as you can. With your reduced funds being stretched ever thinner in this economy by the generations surrounding you, Tax Day thrusts your finances front and center.

What about also considering the non-monetary contributions you make to your family in flux? The time, energy, thoughts and emotions you devote to your children and elderly parents can exhaust your core just as your expenses deplete your cash reserves. Are you beginning to feel like a woman on the verge? Instead, use your Tax Day perspective to try out these tips to improve your health and wellbeing:

Maintain balance as you invest your energies in family, career and yourself. You may not be able to attain the perfect level of achievement in any of these, but you can enjoy a sense of accomplishment in your growing strength. To avoid burnout as you shift between caring for your kids and your parents, set aside time for yourself.

Take better care of yourself. When you cope with stress before it becomes chronic, you're better able to take care of your loved ones as well as yourself. As you strive to limit your responsibilities to others, you'll find you have more time for fun and fulfillment in your own life. Go for it – you know you deserve it.

Check back with us again on Wednesday for more tips to help you through tax time. And for some suggestions about coping with stress due to economic troubles you may be facing, consider our ebook, Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success.

Working Moms: Setting Priorities

In Monday's post, we already established the fact that you're not about to abandon your work and family to-do lists. But you can identify your more personal priorities, whether it’s learning to play an instrument, returning to school or training for
Move ahead: Think about what you wanted to do today but couldn’t find the time to enjoy. It can define your priorities for tomorrow and help you stay on track in the face of the inevitable distractions. Mark this as the beginning of creating new rituals. Figure out specific activities to integrate into your regular routine - taking a walk during your lunch hour, meeting a friend for coffee once a week, writing in your journal or reading before bed. Carve out this time just for you and keep it sacred.

Savor your selfhood: Society sends mixed messages when it comes to taking care of ourselves. On one hand we’re taught to go after what we want, yet if we fight too hard we’re seen as selfish. Integrate your self-fulness as you practice saying ‘no’ to what may be presented as greater opportunities you can't resist. Because yielding to outside pressure and taking on more responsibility can amount to ignoring what may be in your own best interests.

The time frazzled woman has become a common archetype today. We’re socialized to be available to our spouse, children, parents, friends and boss. And the price we pay to please others is high. At what point do we learn that charity begins at home? Self esteem comes from having the courage to make tough choices, even if they’re unpopular. After all, if a long-term goal is to have our kids find personal fulfillment, shouldn’t we lead by example? Put yourself at the top of your

Virtual Book Tour: Getting Old is a Full Time Job

We are so pleased to be hosting Dr. Susan Lieberman today to talk about her new book, Getting Old is a Full Time Job: Moving on From a Life of Working Hard. Susan writes about her insight into the 12 "jobs" of retirement - ranging from Strategist to Script Writer to Soul Catcher. Susan has a gift for using the challenging issues in her own life as a starting point for her highly accessible books. We enjoyed visiting with her here several years ago as she talked about The Mother-in-Law's Manual and her learning curve as a MIL.

Susan, after your last book on mothers-in-law, how did your new one come into being?

I started the Houston chapter of a national group called The Transition Network. It’s for professional women 50 and over moving from their mainstream work to 'What’s Next?'

We meet once a month and focus on our lives and our many different kinds of transitions. I love the women I have met through TTN. They are smart, reflective and candid, and as I listened to them, I heard a recurring theme. We kept judging ourselves, often negatively, against the criteria we used when we were building our professional lives. For example, I would be sitting in the kitchen happily sipping tea and reading the New York Times, something that makes me happy, when I would ruin it by castigating myself for still being in my robe at 9:30. It hit me that when we retire, rewire, shift down or switch our focus, we needed to develop a new template for success. That was the beginning point for the book.

It seems that instead of going to therapy, when I need to work out my own issues, I sit down at the computer, and I needed to figure out what retirement meant for me.

Are you really retired? You have started a new business and written two books since you left a full time teaching job. Do you consider that retired?

I love this question. People often want to help me understand how busy and engaged I am and not at all a “retired person,” as if that were a minor illness. Yes, I AM retired. Here is what that means to me: I have not stopped being productive or engaged in the world. I am just not driven by external demands, by how others want me to spend my time on or by what others think it is important to achieve. My life now is much more determined by internal interests and desires. I am the CEO, COO, HR Director, shareholder, vending machine operator and janitor of this company called MY LIFE. I get to do my own performance appraisals, and now, finally, I can spend my time as I wish. I don’t work 50 or 60 hours a week any more, and I avoid work that makes me unhappy.

In Getting Old Is A Full Time Job, you talk about 12 jobs waiting for us in retirement. Which of these most captures your attention?

Hands down, the hardest job for me is Purveyor of Pleasure. I was really good at working. I had a 50-year history of successful work. I was not so good at playing, at figuring out what that meant for me, besides working well. After I left my full-time job, I was determined to “have fun.” The problem was I couldn’t figure out what was, for me, fun. I don’t much like sports, I don’t sew or garden. I am a good cook but I didn’t really want to be a better cook. I couldn’t work it out until someone suggested I substitute the word “pleasure” for “fun.” Then I got it.

Writing books for me is deep pleasure. I won’t describe it as FUN. It’s hard work, It can get intense and frustrating. But it gives me so much pleasure to do the interviews, work out what I think is important to say and play with saying it in ways that other people find accessible and useful.

It doesn’t give me much pleasure to do the marketing. Using my mainstream template for success, which included economic gain and recognition of accomplishments, of course I should be spending lots of time marketing. Using the success template for this stage of my life, I should just be writing another book and enjoy it, even if I don’t get rich or famous. So please, buy a book because I am not working on many ways to get people to do that.

The other job that captures my attention is Director of Physical Planning. I just told you I am not much for physical exercise so getting myself to the gym and walking several mile a couple times a week takes discipline. It isn’t, for me, fun or even pleasurable, but feeling good, being able to wrestle with my grandkids, being able to do what I want IS fun, so I know I have to make myself stay in shape and not allow myself to be diverted. Not having to do it at 6:30 A.M. also makes the job easier.

You don’t sound so very old. How did you pick this title?

I am 69. I started working on the book when I was 67. I didn’t feel OLD then nor do I now…but I am not young. I am not really middle aged any more. What has happened to my generation is that 18 additional years have been inserted in to the average life span. So people at 90 and people at 70 all fall into the same post-middle aged category and we are, of course, not the same.

But getting old is not a curse. It’s what happens. If I am not getting older, I am getting deader. Sixty is not the new forty. What it is, rather, is the new sixty. My sixty is not the same as my grandmother’s sixty but my son is forty, and he and I are not in the same place.

So often, when someone finds out I am sixty-nine, they say, “Oh my, you don’t look sixty nine,” as if it would be a bad thing if I did. First, I look about average. Half the people I know my age look better and half probably don’t look as good – and that’s been true since I was 19. Second, what should 69 look like? And third, what if I did look 69? Would I need immediate plastic surgery? Of course, most women – men, too – like feeling attractive. I like it too – but how I feel and how I think, how flexible I am in body and sprit, how much more able I am now to forgive, overlook and understand is what’s important, not how many wrinkles in my neck.

My friend, Irene, told me I couldn’t use the word OLD in a book title because no one wants to talk about feeling, getting or being old. But really, that’s what was on my mind, that is what interested me…how I do this aging bit in a way that makes sense for me since I am, without regard to my wishes, going to be doing it—if I’m fortunate.

Who is the audience for Getting Old is a Full Time Job?

I think this book is for people about 55-75, those who are retired or thinking about some sort of retirement. Dick Goldberg, a tough critic who is national director of Coming of Age, told me this was a good book for men because it talks about jobs, and men like jobs. I very much wanted to write a book that appealed to both men and women so that made me happy. But just this week I got two compliments that made me even happier.

One came from my good friend Sue in St. Louis and who called to ask me for 15 books. Why on earth, I asked, do you need 15 books? “Well, my mother took my copy, loved it and now wants to give it to all her friends and neighbors.” And, Sue added, “You should feel good because my mother doesn’t like anything!” The other pleasing comment came from a woman in my breakfast club who told me she had given a copy to her housekeeper for Christmas, and her housekeeper loved the book as well.

To write a book that appeals to a 55 year-old petroleum engineer, a 64 year old housekeeper, an 82 year old crotchety grandmother and my wonderful sister-in-law who is still working flat out as an architect makes me button-bursting proud. And it reinforces my notion that because 21st Century aging and retirement is quite different than what has come before, we don’t have enough models, enough visible ways of thinking through this stage that Mary Catherine Bateson calls Second Adulthood and we all need to be talking together about how to do retirement as well as we did other stages in our lives – or better.

Thanks for joining us today, Susan and filling us in on your latest pleasure in retirement, Getting Old is a Full Time Job. Readers, if you want to ask Susan questions about how to get started on your own 12 jobs, just click on "Comments" below and follow the prompts. Susan would love to hear from you - and so would we!

Maureen Hancock, The Medium Next Door

We want to welcome Maureen Hancock to our Virtual Book Tour today. She's here to talk about her book, The Medium Next Door: Adventures of a Real-Life Ghost Whisperer. Maureen has lots to tell us about her unusual vocation so let's not waste any time getting started:

NR: You have a new book out. What's the book about and where can readers get it?

MH: My new book, The Medium Next Door is about the adventures of a real life ghost whisperer. It's basically part memoir about my life as a medium. I'm just like your next door neighbor…only I hear and see dead people. I write about my work with the sick and dying, helping people pass, assisting detectives to help find missing children and adults and some profound readings that have changed families' lives each chapter has a reflection or suggestions to apply to your own life for healing and knowledge. You can get the book at Amazon or from my website, www.maureenhancock.com

NR: You are truly, “The Medium Next Door.” You’re a wife, mother of two young boys—a soccer mom with a twist. How do you explain what you do to your children and how do you balance family life with the demands of your work?

MH: My children are very open to spirit and the work I do. When they were younger, they couldn't understand why I left the house with amplifiers and microphones to do shows. When my younger son was six, his teacher asked each of the students what their mother did for a living. My son proudly explained, "My mother's a rock star." Now, we talk openly about spirits and their guardian angel in heaven - their cousin, Sean.

NR: How did you first realize you had the ability to communicate with the dearly departed?

MH: As a child, I had lead paint poisoning and was in a coma. I spent three years in and out of Boston's Children's Hospital. When I came home from the hospital at the age of five, I could see spirits roaming around my house. One of my sisters said they would take me back to the hospital if I kept talking about "the invisible people," so I shut it off. Cut to 1992, I fell asleep at the wheel and broke several bones in my face, including a fractured skull. After the accident, I didn't need any surgery and I believe my recently deceased grandmother was watching over me. I then started to hear voices from beyond while volunteering with cancer patients.

NR: You are a former stand-up comedienne (sometimes referred to as the "Comedian Medium") how do you incorporate humor with such a heavy subject matter?

MH: I think what differentiates me from many other spirit mediums is that I believe our loved ones in spirit enjoy coming through with a celebration of life and not reliving another wake. Being a former stand-up comic, I enjoyed making people smile and forget about their daily stress and heartache. When I bring through a spirit, often times the validations are so on point (names, dates, exact way of passing) the person loses it and starts to weep, sometimes uncontrollably. It is at this exact point of the reading that I jump in with humor and help the person left behind know that it's okay to continue living, laughing and celebrating these great memories. After all, laughter is the best medicine.

NR: You are co-founder of two charities. Tell us about them.

MH: "Seeds of Hope" is a foundation that provides support for those suffering with debilitating and terminal illnesses. We provide holistic healing support such as massage, Reiki hands on healing, reflexology and mediation. I help clients with their fears of death and help them pass with less pain and fear. We also support parents who have lost children through support groups and private sessions. This work is all offered free of charge.

My other non-profit is "Mission for the Missing." It was co-founded with a private detective two years ago. We offer help to families of children and adults who are missing and/or murdered. The detective is a ground-search coordinator and together we facilitate large-scale searches incorporating the efforts of many volunteer teams such as cadaver dogs, divers, horses, atv's, Fish and Game, State Police, ground searchers and more. We also offer training scholarships to dogs for continuing education, as well as equipment needed from all over the country for assistance.

NR: Obviously many people are skeptical about what you do. How do you handle the skeptics?

MH: I'm a former skeptic. I refused to go to psychics when my friends would try to get me to go to tarot cards or tea leave readings. It's not my job to convince anyone I can deliver the info and let them process it and decide for themselves. I've turned many skeptics into believers by giving very detailed information. My job is to deliver detailed information and hopefully, plant the seed of hope.

NR: Tell us about your upcoming television show. What do you hope to achieve by being on TV?

MH: I'm so excited about the TV show. I have an outstanding team of producers, Sander & Moses who executive produced the Ghost Whisperer, as well as some great producers from ABC Medial Productions and Disney. I'm traveling around the country, stopping in small towns offering my assistance with a variety of "matters" such as assisting detectives on missing person cases, helping a family who has lost a child, helping people to understand death and using my humor to deliver impromptu readings all over town.

NR: Thanks for joining us today, Maureen. Now the blog is open to our readers - ask your own questions about Maureen's book and TV show through the comment link below.

Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords and Stress in America

The weekend shooting of Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords - and the attendant murders of six bystanders - has again pushed the American psyche into overload. Though out of harm’s way themselves, many people experience stress and anxiety when faced with these kinds of uncontrollable situations. While it appears the gunman's serious mental illness motivated the shooting spree, the horrendous act itself has raised stress levels all across the United States, already high due to the poor economic climate. In fact, a recent national health survey found that 75% of the general population experiences at least some stress every two weeks, with half of these rated at moderate or high levels.

According to the American Psychological Association, key findings from their recent survey indicate that stress levels have increased over the past five years, impacting both physical and emotional health. Most Americans are feeling moderate to high stress levels, with many feeling overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted. The most frequently cited sources of stress are concerns about money, work and the economy. Nearly one-half of those who participated in the survey were fearful about their job stability. Over one-half also noted that family responsibilities and relationships were significant causes of stress.

What can you do to reduce your stress levels and take better care of yourself now and during the rest of 2011? The American Psychological Association has some suggestions to manage your distress in the aftermath of the shooting. And here are some of our tips to get you started:

Maintain balance in your life between personal needs, work and your family obligations. Don't over commit yourself even as you retain a normal routine. Carve out some special time for yourself even in the midst of caring for your growing children and aging parents.

Exercise moderately several times a week. Only one-quarter of those surveyed were satisfied with their level of physical activity. To increase yours, find an activity that you enjoy and will stick with - walking with friends, water aerobics, dance or yoga classes, training at the gym.

Eat sensibly, following a balanced diet of healthy foods rich in nutrition that serve as a natural defense against stress. Avoid the use of drugs and alcohol to self-medicate and limit your use of sugar, caffeine and cigarettes as they can contribute to your anxiety. Get enough rest and sleep to allow your body to recover from the stresses of the day. Over 40% of the survey respondents reported feeling fatigued on a regular basis and lacking in energy.

Use relaxation techniques. Set aside time for a regular routine of deep breathing, guided imagery, meditation, or other stress reduction methods. Decide to put off worrying - much of what you may fear never actually happens anyway. Remember to be open to the healing effects of laughter.

Using these tips can help you become more resilient as you cope with the stresses around you on a daily basis. And to learn more about how you can manage the pressures you face in our economic downturn, check out our ebook, Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success.

Women in the Sandwich Generation: Begin to Create a Plan for Your Future

Are you busy balancing your work and family life, raising kids and caring for aging parents? Although you're likely making plans for your kids' college and for your parents' care right now, you need to also be thinking about what's next for you.

How ready are you? You may want to watch how Jeannie, a 48 year old new mom, is planning for her future. And see how Maryann has put a long-term care plan in place, so her son won't be in the stressful position she was as her mom needed more help.

A recent survey found that more than 50% of boomers may not have enough money to maintain their current living standards in retirement. Consequently, many will be working past the traditional retirement age so they can save enough to comfortably retire.

How much longer do you plan to work? With the economic downturn, perhaps you can't afford to retire and are counting on your benefits. Or you may think it's important for you to stay engaged and connected, be productive, feel empowered. There are also questions about your 'after work life' that deserve consideration. Do you know what it will cost to live in retirement? Have you budgeted and saved enough money? This information can help you understand some of these retirement issues.

Want to increase your awareness and plan for your unique lifestyle and goals? Learn more about AARP's new educational program - Decide, Create, Share. You'll be able to assess your future needs across home, community, health, legal and finances. Discover how ready you are for the future and use the tips provided to help you stay on track.

Isn't it really all about you living life on your own terms and staying in charge? Browse around HerMentorCenter.com for information and articles to help you care for your family and still nourish yourself. Sign the email list to the left of this post and receive a monthly newsletter full of practical tips for you. And then you can download a free ebook about how to reach your goals. Now's the time for you apply the same competence and energy to yourself that you give to others?!

Labor Day and the End of Summer

Labor Day has been celebrated in the U.S. on the first Monday in September for over 125 years. While it began in recognition of workers in labor unions, most people today consider today as the symbolic end to summer and the beginning of the school year. For many women, both work and children going back to school are significant issues that come together this Labor Day.

Today, 60% of women work outside the home, that figure rising to over 75% among women ages 25 to 44, the average child-bearing years. Most of these women are employed by others yet over 9 million own their own businesses. Women who have returned to work after having children often say that their greatest difficulty is finding the time to do everything else they need to do during non-business hours. At the same time, they believe that the perspective they gain from having a family and setting priorities makes the stressful issues at work easier to manage. On our website, Her Mentor Center, you'll find practical ideas about grappling with tough times and gaining greater resiliency yourself.

So enjoy the holiday and your day off - let someone else man the barbeque - and check back in later this week for some tips to help you handle the challenges of your job while you are balancing it with your roles as partner and mother.

Men at Work - More than Just a Sign

Linguist Deborah Tannen has written numerous books about the conversational styles of women and men, in families and at work. According to Tannen, problems can occur, especially in a job setting where the members are not as knowledgeable about each other, when men and women don't understand the rituals that define each other's approach.

Women, even in a work setting, generally use conversational strategies that are considerate and sensitive to the other person's feelings, even when giving negative feedback. Demonstrating an emphasis on getting the job done without "flexing their muscles," women tend to downplay authority. Men who are not familiar with this strategy may see them as less confident and competent - and act on that assumption. At the same time, men are more inclined to use oppositional strategies - such as banter, putdowns, teasing - that avoid them being placed in a one-down position. The problem here is that women may then see men who behave this way as hostile and arrogant. All of this makes for pretty complicated communications!

Any of this sound familiar to you? If so, perhaps the next time you find yourself in this kind of situation, either at work or at home, don't take it personally. Recognize that the guy - colleague, boss, supervisee, partner, brother, spouse - isn't reacting to you alone. It's just his way. After all, we know how men hate to ask anyone for directions. They seem to be embarrassed by their need for help and see it as a loss of power. The more you understand the motivations behind their behavior, the easier it is for you to get along with and enjoy the men in your life.

To read the opinions of some men about their relationships with women over the years, click on the title above. It will take you to our website, HerMentorCenter.com and an article there, "Point of View: The Male Boomer and Long-Term Relationships."

You may not be at the level of Olympic competition in your life as a Sandwiched Boomer, but here are some tips to apply from the athletes as you struggle through the challenge of nurturing yourself as you care for growing children and aging parents.

Find your unique passion and cultivate it. There were hundreds of events at the Olympics, each representing a specific activity that athletes had chosen to pursue. They ranged from rhythmic gymnastics to javelin throwing, from fencing to sailing, from synchronized swimming to boxing. What brings you joy and the ability to be fully engaged? Recognize the creativity and excitement that emerge as you follow your dreams.

Excellence comes with hard work and practice. Learning about the training schedules of Olympic athletes reminds us that accomplishments don't come easy. Repetition is the handmaiden of success. Set long-term goals as well as realistic and incremental steps to reach them. Give yourself credit when you achieve an objective and, as you set the next one, aim to move ever closer toward your ultimate goal. Strive for your personal best - and remember the most important competitor you have is actually you.

Check back tomorrow as we look at some more training techniques you can in incorporate into your life.