Father's Day and Your Aging Dad

With Father's Day approaching, are your thoughts turning to the men in your life – father, husband, son, other male figures? Mine are. It's heartwarming to see how my sons have become devoted dads themselves, reflecting their own loving father. This weekend, I'll also be honoring the memory of my dad, who died in his 90^th year over a decade ago.    

While helping with his care during the final years of a chronic illness, it was painful to see how he was declining. Always active and fun-loving while I was growing up, he became weaker as he aged, both mentally and physically. As Sandwiched Boomers, it's difficult towatch as your parents deteriorate. And they may complicate the situation by being in denial about their vulnerable condition.

Today nearly 10 million adults are caregivers for their aging parents. If you're caring for an elderly father, it's up to you to acknowledge the true state of affairs and be straightforward in dealing with his increasing fragility. You'll need to discuss practical, yet uncomfortable, issues - health care directives, long-term care options, a designated power of attorney, distribution of income and assets. After addressing your most immediate concerns, here are some tips to help you plan and implement your care:

Learn about your dad’s illness. Educate yourself on what to expect and how to recognize warning signs threatening your father's health and independence.  Talk to friends who have gone through similar experiences in order to get realistic feedback and concrete advice.

Surf the Internet to investigate resources available to you. Some nonprofit organizations offer free services or financial grants for respite care for family members who provide most of the care to their chronically ill elders. If you're in the U.S., the National Family Caregiver Support Program provides funds and the Eldercare Locator identifies programs in local communities.

Involve you dad in decision-making. If you decide it's necessary to move your father out of his home or take over management of his finances that may signify a loss of independence to him, leading to anger, frustration, or depression. Understanding his pain, taking it slow and engaging a geriatric social worker or gerontologist can help the process.

Embrace the changes in your dad and respect his integrity. As he becomes less strong physically and mentally, he may lose some of the magical power he once had in your eyes. Still you can admire his courage and dignity, as he struggles, coming to terms with end of life issues. Recall the good times you shared even as you adjust to the changes in your roles.

Check back here again on Wednesday for more Father's Day tips for caring for your aging dad – especially if you're part of the sandwich generation.

Tax Day Minus One and More

Women are used to multi-tasking, thinking about and dealing with many issues at the same time. Still, your head may be spinning today with the complex activities going on - Emancipation Day, the celebration of President Lincoln’s freeing of slaves in the District of Columbia 150 years ago, Patriot's Day with the 116th running of the Boston Marathon and Tax Day tomorrow when 144 million income tax returns are due to be filed.

Women and taxes are in the news again as the debate continues between moms who work in and outside the home – begun by Hilary Rosen’s comment about Ann Romney - while the Senate discusses the so-called Buffet Rule. Is our society ready to redefine caregiving as productive labor, with support and tax credits? Wherever you stand on these issues, you know that for women it’s a struggle to balance the logistical, emotional and financial demands of work and family. When you’re also caring for an aging parent, you may begin to feel overwhelmed by all of your responsibilities.

If you're a Sandwiched Boomer supporting both your growing children and aging parents, you may have already consulted with a tax advisor about claiming both sets as dependents. After all, you want to conserve as much of your nest egg as you can. With your reduced funds being stretched ever thinner in this economy by the generations surrounding you, Tax Day thrusts your finances front and center.

What about also considering the non-monetary contributions you make to your family in flux? The time, energy, thoughts and emotions you devote to your children and elderly parents can exhaust your core just as your expenses deplete your cash reserves. Are you beginning to feel like a woman on the verge? Instead, use your Tax Day perspective to try out these tips to improve your health and wellbeing:

Maintain balance as you invest your energies in family, career and yourself. You may not be able to attain the perfect level of achievement in any of these, but you can enjoy a sense of accomplishment in your growing strength. To avoid burnout as you shift between caring for your kids and your parents, set aside time for yourself.

Take better care of yourself. When you cope with stress before it becomes chronic, you're better able to take care of your loved ones as well as yourself. As you strive to limit your responsibilities to others, you'll find you have more time for fun and fulfillment in your own life. Go for it – you know you deserve it.

Check back with us again on Wednesday for more tips to help you through tax time. And for some suggestions about coping with stress due to economic troubles you may be facing, consider our ebook, Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success.

Creating a Holiday Spirit Yourself

If you're newly alone this year, the holidays may remind you of the joys and sorrows of past gatherings. But try to stay focused in the present. Let go of your expectations and instead create celebrations that are meaningful to you now. You'll find your experience of these special days can create new memories to savor throughout the year.

Image: Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Now that you've used Monday's tips to get started, here are some more for coping with the holidays on your own:

Consider your finances. You'll need to budget differently this year so consider what holiday expenses you can reduce. Perhaps you and your friends can agree to forgo your usual gift giving and instead exchange homemade treats or enjoy a potluck dinner together. With the continuing tough economy, it's likely they're also looking for ways to cut back on costs.

Create new rituals. Plan to do something different for the holidays this year. There's really not one perfect way to celebrate so change your usual routine and enjoy the excitement of new experiences. Perhaps arrange to get away from home - visit a friend, volunteer in your community, go for a hike, travel nearby. Next year, you can choose to continue with the ones that worked the best for you.

Include others who are alone. You're not the only one whose celebration may be bittersweet this year. Share your holiday by Inviting a single friend or relative into your home or volunteering at a community soup kitchen. When you're making your own holiday preparations, set aside some time for those outside your circle. You can donate toys and books to needy children, cookies to a homeless shelter, music to a nursing home.

As you map out your new strategy for the holidays this year, are you also thinking about other changes you want to make? If you're looking for practical tips that help you take the first steps toward a new goal - running a 5K, starting your own business, reconnecting with an old friend - download our complementary ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching for Your Goals. You'll find role models and suggestions there to help you prepare and execute your plans.

Making Your Own List

Now that the year is ending and the '00 decade is coming to c close, pundits have been opining about all kinds of topics. You can find a list of the 10 films of 2009 most likely to be nominated for an Academy Award, the 20 most interesting books, or the 50 best songs of the decade. In addition to spending some of your spare time reading through these lists, how about taking some personal time this week to create your own list – of your 10 most important assets?

It may seem unusual for you, a member of the Sandwich Generation, to concentrate on yourself instead of on the needs of your growing children or aging parents. But take a deep breath, put your feet up for a moment and allow yourself to focus on and embrace your own development at this pivotal time.

Creating your asset inventory will give you a leg up on beginning the next decade from a position of power, but how do you begin? To help you, we've created a short list to help you focus on your assets - not the financial ones, which may still be down, but the personal strengths you own. Use this process to discover some of your hidden passions. Reflect on your answers or discuss them with a trusted friend as you create an expanded sense of yourself. Whether or not you're a Sandwiched Boomer, be sure to tune in all week for our tips to get you started.

If you've had trouble in the past taking the first step toward change, click on the post title above. It takes you to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com where you'll find Sandwiched Boomers: 7 Tips on Fighting Inertia, with its suggestions for overcoming these hurdles.

Baby Boomers, Finances and Family Commitment

According to the research conducted by Age Wave, postponing retirement isn't the only issue Baby Boomers are grappling with as a result of the economic upheaval. Fiscal responsibility and commitment to family weigh heavily on the hearts and minds of those who participated in the study:

Needed: Financial Rehab

• Lessons Learned - Only 4% of respondents strongly agree that Americans behave in a financially responsible fashion. 81% said that to "live within your means" was the most important financial advice parents could pass on to their children - jumping up from 69% a year ago. "Begin saving at an early age" came in second (65%).
• A Call for Financial Fitness at Every Age - An overwhelming 95% of respondents agree that financial management should be a standard part of high school curricula. Although 35 states mandate sex education, only three - Utah, Tennessee and Missouri - have, to date, made personal finance courses a requirement.
• Seeking Financial Peace of Mind - A majority of all survey participants (56%) agree that the best thing about having money is "feeling secure." In recent months, we have seen Americans go "back to basics" as evidenced by an increase in the savings rate, now over 4%, twice the savings rate over the past decade, and household credit card debt has dropped almost 10% from the prior year.

Am I My Brother's Keeper?

• What We Value Most - The majority of respondents (58%) said that loving family and relationships are at the heart of what we hold most dear today - twice as important as being wealthy (33%) and twenty times more important than wielding power and influence (3%).
• Brother Can You Spare a Dime (or $50,000, or a bedroom)? With growing uncertainty about both government benefits and work security, millions of men and women are turning back to their families for financial assistance.
• The Sandwich Generation has Turned Into Multigenerational "Rubik" Families - Four out of ten respondents now worry they will have to financially support their parents or in-laws. This growing interdependence extends to siblings, with nearly a quarter of Millennials worrying they will need to provide care and support for siblings as well.

Optimism in Tough Times

Optimism is key if couples are to move ahead in tough times. Coca-Cola's history of positive messaging is legendary. During the recession of 1980, consumers were reminded to "Have a Coke and a smile."

But we all know it takes more than a coke and a smile. Try to access your money script, which is governed by a process outside consciousness in the part of the brain called the amygdale. By understanding how your family of origin dealt with money - and your emotional reaction to it - you’ll gain insight into your own financial strategies. This alone can help alleviate some of the stress, especially if you’re feeling paralyzed or even just stuck. If you’re focusing blame on your spouse, perhaps this process will allow you to look at the part you play in the present situation. You may decide to curb impulse spending if you realize that money and stuff are not necessarily a measure of power or self worth.

Focus your efforts and help your relationship by getting back to the basics. Click on the title to read an article on Her Mentor Center about Fighting Inertia. And let us hear about what works for you.

What's the Story with Nadya Suleman?

You're Sandwiched Boomers with opinions that matter. Do you want to weigh in on the challenges that Nadya Suleman is facing? She's the 33 year old unemployed single mother who, last month, gave birth to octuplets conceived through in vitro fertilization.

Nadya grew up as an only child and had always dreamed of having a large family. Reporters, pundits and bloggers have called her irresponsible and selfish, as she already has six children under the age of seven at home. They say it takes more than love to care for eight babies, especially if you don't have a clear source of income or enough support to help raise them.

Suleman called her childhood dysfunctional and said she didn't have much control over her environment. But she's not alone. Almost everyone has some identity issues or feelings of powerlessness growing up.

This week we'll focus on tips that can help you take better care of your emotional self. If you want to read an article on www.HerMentorCenter.com about How to Turn a Crisis into a Challenge, click on the title above. And tune in tomorrow.

Sandwiched Boomers and Multi-generational Housing

The stimulus package is growing larger by the day in the Senate, where the addition of a new tax break for homebuyers sent the price tag well past $900 billion. "It is time to fix housing first" said the Republican Senator from Georgia Wednesday night as the Senate agreed without controversy to add the new tax break to the stimulus measure, at an estimated cost of nearly $19 billion.

The tax break was the most notable attempt to date to add help for the crippled housing industry. In the meantime, Multi-generational households are making a comeback for Sandwiched Boomers – especially with the rise in unemployment for new college graduates and the financial pinch felt by aging parents who are seeing their retirement income dwindle. Don’t be disappointed if you were dreaming about the empty nest. This new living arrangement can reduce stress, with more family members sharing household responsibilities, financial expenses and emotional support – as long as guidelines are clearly set and upheld.

Let us know if you're living with grown children, grandchildren or parents and how it's working out.

Respect their Boundaries

Follow these tips to develop a bond with your son-in-law that will grow through the years. As an accepted mother-in-law, you can enjoy the connections with your new family member.

Avoid hot button issues like finances, religious observances, and work/home responsibilities. By taking sides, you make it harder for the newlyweds to sort out these issues for themselves. When you have expectations that are not shared by them, recognize that now it’s their turn to make this type of decision.

Be available to help when asked but don't intrude. As the new couple settles into their routine and lifestyle, they may ask for your help or support. Pitch in and be responsive to their needs when you can, but don't overstep the boundaries.

Find support from your spouse and friends. When you’re frustrated, share with others who will understand what you’re going through and use them as a sounding board. When all else fails, laugh together as inductees in the sisterhood of mothers-in-law.

Click on the title above to take you to our article, Boomer Women and Friendship: The Gift You Give Yourself for some ideas about how your friends can help you get through this challenge - and lots of other ones.

These tips can help you build the kind of relationship with your son-in-law that Marian Robinson has with President Obama. He and Michelle respect her and trust her to help with their children. Embrace your new role of mother-in-law. You, too, have the power to make this an enriching chapter for everyone in the family.

And please join us tomorrow as we welcome therapists Stephen James and David Thomas to discuss their book, Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys.

Well, Sandwiched Boomers, it's down to the wire with election day tomorrow. There's a buzz in the air as voters passionately discuss the critical issues - national security, health care and especially the economy.

With the recent confirmation that we are definitely in a recession, the “generation between” – those facing challenges with aging parents and growing children - is coming up with creative ways of dealing with the economic downturn. One idea is having aging parents - on fixed incomes and who need more help - move in. Some homes are getting crowded as post college age children who can’t find a job or make ends meet boomerang back.

But is this all bad? In other cultures, family members sharing responsibilities are not considered a failure but a loyal and honorable benefit. And who said that living independently is the best solution for everyone? The barter system, where a son helps care for his grandfather in exchange for a reduction in his rent is a win/win for all, as long as independence is his ultimate goal. It makes sense that family members who are in need support each other – especially during these difficult financial times.

The economic crisis has woken people up. Apparently 30% have already voted - and the enthusiasm around the election is great for democracy. If you haven't already, we hope you're excited about casting your vote.

As a Baby Boomer, are you in agreement with the results of an American Association of Retired Persons' position paper - that the definition of work in retirement will be uniquely yours? Fully 80% of those who responded to the survey expect to continue some type of work after they reach retirement age.

Many women don't have control over the decision regarding changes in their work situation. They may be faced, unexpectedly, with the loss of a job or a business. Or, out of financial necessity, they have no choice but to continue supporting themselves and their families. In addition, the aftermath of 9/11 and the economic downturn drove women into the workforce who otherwise would have reduced their workload or retired completely.

The recent New Face of Work Survey, conducted by the Princeton Survey Research Associates International, found that the majority of their interviewees had an interest in post retirement careers that help others. Over 70% of the women in their 50's agreed that “It is very important that a job in retirement gives a sense of purpose,” and allows them to stay involved with other people. The shift to a "working retirement" is definitely a baby boomer phenomenon.