Sandwich Generation: Caring for a Family in Flux

It's never been easy for members of the sandwich generation, faced with the challenges of caring for aging parents and growing kids. And in today's world, family pressures are often compounded by job loss, economic concerns or workplace stress.

If you're trying to get a handle on these issues, here are some resources:

Tomorrow at Noon EDT (9am PDT) listen to Blog Talk Radio - scroll down to Upcoming Episode, "Nourishing your Family Relationships without Starving Yourself" to read more about it. As guests of Dr. Sandra Haymon, we'll be answering questions and providing tips for caregivers.

And log on here anytime this Wednesday, October 27, for our Virtual Book Tour with parent educator, Dr. Ilene Val-Essen. She'll be talking about her recently published book, Bring Out the BEST in Your Child and Your Self. Be sure to click on "Comments" at the end of that post to ask Ilene your parenting questions. In the meantime, you can go to her website BringOutTheBest to learn more about her book and classes.

Here's a quick tip about quality time with family: If you're overworked, overscheduled and frantic for time to enjoy family, why not start a weekly tradition? Schedule time together a couple of hours on the weekend. Take turns planning dinner out, a walk in the park or movie night. You'll see how this helps everyone feel more cared for and you'll feel less guilty about how busy you are all week.

Want to read about how kids can cope better with inevitable stress? And for nurturing yourself, our article, How to Nourish the Sandwich that is You, may be just what you need.

And while you're on our website, Her Mentor Center, browse around the home page menu - in the Newsletter Library, Family Relationships and Video Library, there's lots of material with practical tips for you and your family. And you'll also find information about our free newsletter, Stepping Stones, and ebooks, Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching Your Goals and Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success.

The Empty Nest in Tough Economic Times

These are tough times, with so many baby boomers suffering from unemployment, money problems and foreclosure. There are plenty of reasons to feel anxious and sad. And if you're dealing with the empty nest, that may feel like the last straw.

Give yourself an emotional break and see what happens. Understand that even though your kids have moved out, you're still needed although not in the same way. Letting go of your parenting responsibilities means letting go of the family role you've played so far. Sit back and breathe in deeply as you appreciate this opportunity to create different relationships within your family.

Practice letting go. Cry if it helps - it's natural to feel plenty of emotion at this turning point. Try to visualize one door closing and another door opening. Relax into feeling more calm and carefree. Let yourself get excited by the possibility of exploring what you want to do with all the free time you now have.

Decide to write regularly in a journal. As you think about all that is happening in your life right now, you will naturally acknowledge the pressure you're feeling. And by identifying and dealing with what is going on for you emotionally, you'll learn to take more control over this process of change. You'll find that journaling is a great tool for reducing stress and increasing self-awareness.

The Newsletter Library of HerMentorCenter.com is packed full of information that can help you move forward. You'll learn from other womens' experiences. And then why not buy Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm for only $2.45 - it will change your attitude and help you cope in these difficult times.

Dr. Carol Orsborn Responds to Sandwiched Boomers

Our thanks to all you sandwiched boomers who tuned in yesterday to take part in our interview with Dr. Carol Orsborn. We had a spirited discussion about "The Year I Saved My (downsized) Soul."

Clicking on the title of this post will take you to Amazon and you can learn more about "The Year I Saved My (downsized) Soul." Our thanks to Carol for being so generous with her time. You can still read all of the responses, in full, through yesterday's "comments" link at the bottom of the post. Here's a sampling:

One reader asks: I agree with what you say about how sharing can make you feel less alone. I lost my job six months ago but I'm not talking. Where do I begin?

Carol's response: First of all, I emphathize with you and all the many of us who have gone through the "downsized" experience. In addition to whatever in-person resources your community may offer, many women 50+ are finding relief in being able to share their experiences online. There are a number of websites (check around) but I do a lot of my venting on a wide range of topics at VibrantNation.com. You can come on the site anonymous or use your real name. In either case, I think you'll find it rewarding to discover what a relief it is to be able to speak your mind to like-minded women. (I think you'll find that you'll find yourself in some rich conversations--and it's free and easy to get started, 24/7. Good luck!)

Catherine wonders: You mention that you've never written such a personal book before. What have been the after effects of, as you say, "exposing" yourself?

Carol's answer: You ask about the effects of exposing myself in a memoir. Well, I braced myself for huge negative ramifications and then nothing bad happened. Of course, I did back way off my first draft that read more like "The Devil Wears Prada", overshadowing the spiritual heart of the book that was really the point--so I did edit back a lot. In fact, I edited out 100 pages! That said, a friend of mine did a memoir about her relationship with family members and doesn't speak to any of them any more--so you never know. My suggestion to all memorists is first write it for catharsis fearlessly, then upon rewrite, remove anything that doesn't advance the story and that is either vindictive or therapy.

Another reader reflects: I've heard from friends that journaling is helpful. I've made a few attempts but don't stay with it. Any hints?

Carol's thoughtful reply: I try to journal every day, especially when I'm working through an issue or feeling generally "off", and yes, it helps me a lot! In fact, my book grew out of my daily journals, as you know. How to keep at it? My first advice is to not overthink it. Assume nobody will ever read it and don't worry about spelling, grammar or even making sense. In fact, you might try capturing stream of consciousness: just write whatever's in your mind, i.e. jump from the fact that you're upset to that you need to buy toilet paper--again, without judgement. Eventually, if journaling is going to become "your thing", it will start surfacing deeper wisdom/self-knowledge and clarity. If it doesn't, just might not be your best tool. For me personally, I'm kind of "worded" out so I'm going to start doing a visual journal, where I draw abstract (or whatever) with colored pencils to capture my mood. I'll report back at some point if this worked!

Another reader is searching for direction: I just found out that my company has been bought out and after the holidays I won't have a job. Carol, what's your best tip about keeping up your spirits, especially at this time?

Carol reassures her: First, my condolences regarding finding out you're going to be unemployed--esp. difficult when through no fault of your own. Even if like most of us, you are tempted to take some level of responsibility...that's my first advice, don't take that on! Let yourself be sad/angry or anything other than turning against yourself. Secondly, that's a big question about how to keep your spirits up. I'd like to direct you to the four-part series I just completed for www.VibrantNation.com. You'll see me and parts three and four on our home page, but if you start there, you will easily be led to parts one and two and can read the series in order. Best of luck!

Jan has an often asked question: A lot of women talk about the void - I can't remember the author's name but she writes for boomer women and coined the term. What do you mean by it?

Carol here: Hi Jan, I've been using the term "void" for twenty years--but don't take responsibility for coining it, as I'm pretty sure it's a literal translation of a Buddhist term. In any case, the way I use it is to describe that uncertain place between status quo's, where you are in transition but to you, it feels like you've fallen into utter darkness and hopelessness. In Christianity, they refer to this place as being akin to "the dark night of the soul." Almost every spiritual tradition has something similar.

Cassidy writes: this may be a silly question but how did your spirituality help you during the time you felt so low? i'm going through a divorce and i can't seem to find myself. cassidy

Carol shares an improtant lesson: Hi Cassidy, The point about spirituality is that we all believe in something. The philosopher William James says that believing things are going to be alright in the long run (i.e. that this is a loving universe) helps in the same way that the attitudes of two mountain climbers who have to jump a crevice will make a difference. Who will have the better chance of making it across? The one who thinks it's impossible or the one who thinks if he/she tries hard enough, she'll make it? People who are "spiritual" examine their beliefs and if they discover that they believe they're "on their own", take the leap of faith of believing there's a power greater than themselves that actively cares about them--even if it doesn't seem so at the time. The thing is, they call it an act of faith exactly because you don't know for certain...One final thought, I have found that the very impulse to pray--the willingness to give it a try--is what God responds to, not the choice or eloquence of the words or even the certainty of belief.

Carol's final words: It's the end of the day and I'm going to be signing off now. Thanks for all who checked this out--and especially those who posted comments. Thanks so much to Phyllis and Rosemary for hosting me. If you'd like to stay in the loop with my perspective/thoughts, I Tweet as Carol Orsborn; and of course, you are welcome to stay in touch with me and our community of women 50+ at www.VibrantNation.com.

Well, that's it for now. If you want a break from holiday shopping, visit our website by clicking on the first link to the left of this post, "Her Mentor Center." You'll find lots of tips about the family in both the 'Newsletter Library' and 'Nourishing Relationships.' And you can sign up for our newsletter, Stepping Stones, by clicking on the second link marked "FREE Newsletter."

Refreshing the Relationship with Your Boomerang Kids

Robert Frost wasn't thinking about boomerang kids when he wrote in his 1915 poem, Death of the Hired Man, "Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in." But he sure might have been.

In this economy, adult children are moving back home in record numbers - for many different reasons. Some are doing frugal planning ahead of the curve. They want to put aside money to buy a house or other large purchase and arrange to put the money they save on rent into a special account. With unemployment hovering around 10% in many areas, others may find that they need to move back home after a job loss. Still other adult children have faced the credit crunch, foreclosure and loss of their own home, causing them to move back to their family home because they have no other place to live. Some young adults are forced to declare bankruptcy and move back home until they can get a handle on their finances and build up credit again.



While the reasons for moving back home may be different, the means of making the situation work for everyone are variations on the same themes - familiar ones to Sandwiched Boomers. And what are those themes? The recognition of change and the need for respect for the rights and autonomy of everyone involved.

After spending years without the day-to-day responsibilities of mothering, you probably don't want to pick up your old role where you left it. And your adult children likely do not want to be mothered in a childish way - they would be smothered by it. So you can each begin the process of refreshing your relationship with the understanding that things will not be as they were in years past. Everyone is free to change and be creative with fresh eyes and design a new relationship, recognizing you can enjoy the maturity that each of you has gained.

When you make respect your mantra, you all have the opportunity to take each other's opinions and needs into consideration. It's not always easy. The social values of young and older adults may be vastly different. In fact, The Pew Research Center recently reported their findings that the generation gap in the United States is the biggest it has been in the past 40 years. To help you get started with your new perspective, tomorrow you'll find specific techniques to implement with your boomerang offspring as you set the stage for rich and rewarding relationships with them.

And click on the title above for more tips on how to help your boomerang children regain their independence. You'll find helpful advice on HerMentorCenter.com, in our article, "How to Launch Your Boomerang Kidult."

Communicate with Your Partner

These are turbulent times, filled with uncertainty and possibilities. How you communicate with your partner can make a big difference.

In stressful times, incidences of anxiety, depression and suicide ideation increase and rates of marital satisfaction decrease. Research indicates that close to half of all partners who cheat are trying to fill some emotional need. And job loss and financial instability can put tremendous pressure on traditional family life. But trust counters fear. Keep the lines of communication wide open. Make sure your partner understands what you are feeling and why. Talk about what’s going on and what you can do about it. You’ll both feel less out of control and ready to put ideas into action. Working together can help get you through these tough times.

Click on the title above to read an article on HerMentorCenter.com about communication from the male perspective.

Change Comes When You Least Expect It

The Labor Department announced today that the unemployment rate is now the highest in over 25 years, 8.5 percent. If they were to add in workers forced to work part-time and the so-called "discouraged" workers who are no longer hoping to find employment, the rate would be 15.6%. Over 3.25 million jobs have been lost in the past 5 months alone. And the average workweek is now 33.2 hours, a new record low. Economists predict we will pull out of this but not for some time. For now, it's important for you to hang in there and draw upon your strength and adaptability as a family.

One of our readers, Sally Olds, weighed in on the situation earlier this week, saying, "And still, women make only 80 cents for every dollar men make. This, in addition to all their work on the home front. Just as women's work was more highly valued during the "Rosie the Riveter" days during World War Two, maybe women's financial contributions to their families during these tough times will result in more appreciation and more equitable income."

There will be new perspectives and positives that come out of this ordeal for you and your whole family. Be proud of how you all are rising to the challenges. Recognize your strengths, assets, resources and the foundation of the family that will carry you through this transition. Change comes when you least expect it. The realities of the economy may eventually improve the careers of women even more than feminism alone did. In the meantime, your flexibility will serve you in good stead.

When you click on the title above, it will take you to our article, How to Turn a Crisis into a Challenge, which can help guide you as you face additional challenges in your life.

Take Care of Yourself

If you are a Sandwiched Boomer taking care of growing children and aging parents as you continue to manage your career and cope with the financial chaos all around, you may think that you don't have any time to devote to your own needs. But it is crucial for you to find a way to get the self-care you need in these trying times.

Take better care of yourself. Discover how to nourish yourself and set aside the essential time for this. Take a walk, stop to watch a beautiful sunset, listen to soothing music. Practice deep breathing to relax and positive imagery to improve your mood. Reach out to your friends for support. Draw on your spiritual connection for grounding as you find your center.

Stay optimistic and flexible. Redefine the crisis you are facing as a challenge and your fears as opportunities for change. Review how you have solved other major problems before. Focus on what you can do about solutions even though you didn't create the problem itself. Remind yourself of all you are grateful for as you rebalance your life. Don't give up when things don't work out as you originally expected. Instead, put your Plan B in place.

To learn about additional ways to nurture yourself, click on the title above to take you to our article, Top Ten Self-fullness Tips for Sandwiched Women.

Let Go of Control

Today, Macroeconomic Advisers reports that nearly three-quarters of a million jobs were lost in the private sector during March alone. On Friday, the government's job report will include the unemployment rate, expected to rise from 8.1% to 8.5%. With all the stress generated by a husband's job loss and the turmoil resulting for the family, this is the time to take a stand and make changes to help you all adapt. Here are two tips to make it easier for you to do just that:

Schedule family meetings to discuss changes you want to make. Get together to decide what needs to be done and who is best able now to take on the responsibility of household chores. Involve your teenagers and emerging adult children so that they know what is expected of them. Take help from the family - everyone will feel better when they are doing their fair share. Present these challenges as a way to increase family resolve as you distinguish betweens wants and needs.

Let go of control. Many of you are likely juggling work and parenting. Figures from the Bureau of Labor Statistics indicate that two-thirds of women with children under 18 work outside the home. Now is the time to prioritize and simplify. Don't hesitate to ask your husband for more help with housework and the kids. Let go of how you did things before and allow your husband do it his way. And have realistic expectations. It need not be perfect, as long as it gets done. Trust your family as you do yourself. Set reasonable standards, not ideal ones.

It never hurts to try as many different ways as you can to relieve the stresses in your life. Click on the title above to take you to our article giving you Seven Steps on the Less Stress Express.

Educate Yourself

With the G20 meetings scheduled this week to focus on the global economic crisis, Sandwiched Boomer families continue to be hit by the recession and job losses. If these changes are hitting close to home, here are two tips to help you get started on building flexibility into your family:

Educate yourself about family finances. Get involved with the family budget as you seek out ways to reduce your expenses. Keep track of minor expenditures that can add up, like dinners out, entertainment and credit card interest rate costs. Think outside the box as you educate yourself on new possibilities open to you. They may involve dramatic changes like downsizing your home, selling some possessions or even giving up plans for early retirement.

Expect a husband who has lost his job to have an emotional reaction. It's normal to feel frustrated, tense, and anxious at this time. But look for signs of more serious emotional changes such as depression, anger, or feelings of worthlessness. Stress can lead to dysfunctional responses like excess drinking, gambling or acting out. Acknowledging the common effects of job loss will help you avoid conflicts over minor issues.

Click on the title above to take you to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com where we offer you additional articles to help educate you and improve your coping skills. Look at past articles archived in the Nourishing Relationships section and the Newsletter Library section. You are welcome to sign up for our free newsletter, Stepping Stones, on the website. The link above takes you to our article, Seven Ways to Delay Gratification in a Troubled Economy, that gives you further tips.

Families in Financial Flux

As Leo Tolstoy put it in Anna Karenina, "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." And what about other family traits? Are families who are flexible all flexible in the same way? And are rigid families each set in their own ways?

Today, families are being shaken up in record numbers as financial turmoil hits home. With all the job-related uncertainties facing them, families must be able to make changes in order to adjust to the current economic climate. They may even need to adapt to role reversals when a husband experiences a job loss. But how can they bend without breaking?

Even before the current recession, women have made up 46% of the workforce. This percentage will likely increase since men held 82% of the 2.5 million jobs that have already been lost since November. With more and more companies faltering and failing, the jobless rate continues to rise. As more men lose their jobs, the financial responsibilities of families are increasingly falling on the already burdened shoulders of women. When a woman becomes the sole breadwinner, the dynamics of the relationship change for everyone - husband/father, wife/mother and children. And as the family deals with the job loss, domestic stability may crumble and tensions climb. But it doesn't have to be that way. You can make adjustments at home that will help you all adapt to the turbulent changes in our society.

Tune in all this week as we give you some tips to help you combat the reorganization your family life may be facing as the economy continues to impact everyone. And click on the title above to take you to our website and an article, Five Ways Sandwiched Boomers Can Think Positive in Tough Times, with more suggestions to help you cope.

The effects of the financial crisis continue to spread across America and around the world - mortgages are labeled "toxic," banks are taken over, stock markets roller-coaster up and down with dizzying speed, credit is frozen, and bankruptcies are declared. How will all this affect you? No one can predict with certainty the long-term effects on the economy, but the pundits agree that coordinated efforts will be the best response to the meltdown.

In the spirit of joining together, this week we want to share with you some of the concerns our readers have expressed at our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com. In these uncertain times, you may find yourself in the same situation. Today, we highlight two women who have been dealing with job loss.

Vera tells us she tries to accept what is going on, finds comfort in her spirituality and uses humor to help her cope. "I turned 50 in June. I Iost my job due to the owner selling and the new owner had his own team. It seems that everyone wants a fresh-faced college kid and experience means very little. I am searching and applying for jobs but going through a lot of disappointment. It is getting harder and harder to remain positive as I watch my retirement dwindle to almost nothing and still no job in sight."

Tina says she turns to her family and friends for support and tries to take better care of herself as she pursues her job search. "After losing my job last March, I don't know what to do. I would really like to totally change my career, but with little money and even less of an idea as to what I want to do next I am stuck! I tend to get depressed, but try to at least do some research and get information everyday. I know no one can fix this mess but me."

The process of women coming together and sharing their wisdom has long been recognized as a positive approach for achieving solutions. Do you have any advice for Vera and Tina? What worked for you when you were faced with job loss? Please let us - and your fellow Sandwiched Boomers - hear from you. We are all in this together!

As a Baby Boomer, are you in agreement with the results of an American Association of Retired Persons' position paper - that the definition of work in retirement will be uniquely yours? Fully 80% of those who responded to the survey expect to continue some type of work after they reach retirement age.

Many women don't have control over the decision regarding changes in their work situation. They may be faced, unexpectedly, with the loss of a job or a business. Or, out of financial necessity, they have no choice but to continue supporting themselves and their families. In addition, the aftermath of 9/11 and the economic downturn drove women into the workforce who otherwise would have reduced their workload or retired completely.

The recent New Face of Work Survey, conducted by the Princeton Survey Research Associates International, found that the majority of their interviewees had an interest in post retirement careers that help others. Over 70% of the women in their 50's agreed that “It is very important that a job in retirement gives a sense of purpose,” and allows them to stay involved with other people. The shift to a "working retirement" is definitely a baby boomer phenomenon.