Have Some ‘Catch-up’ with Your Sandwich Generation

July is Sandwich Generation month. According to a 2011 report from the Pew Research center, 30 million Americans are unpaid care-givers for their aging parents. And many of them are still raising children or supporting a boomerang kid.

Photo courtesy of social media arts - flickr.com

If you’re a member of the Sandwich Generation, you know that there's a lot to chew on. When your secretary says there’s a nurse on the line, do you wonder if it’s the school or the cardiac care unit? It can be a struggle when you’re worried about your children, your folks, and how you're going to pay for it all.

This month, when we honor those sandwiched between growing kids and parents in decline, it’s the perfect time to play catch-up with yourself. You can create new scripts instead of resorting to old thought patterns that bring you down. Here are 7 ideas that can help change your perspective and your quality of life:

Attend to your needs. Let frustration, exhaustion, or guilt wash over you but try not to give in to them. As you assume greater responsibility for your parents, make nurturing yourself a priority. If you’re feeling centered when your teens are pushing the limits, you’re better able to meet the challenges. You deserve to take better care of your emotional self.

Release emotions. If you have pent up feelings about particular family members, writing can be cathartic. It helps you regulate negative emotions and savor positive ones. Let go of judgment and you'll open up to a deeper, more expressive experience. Read between the lines of your journal and trust what you discover - ways to resolve conflict, to gain closure, to find inner strength.

Seek solitude. Set limits by saying 'no' to others and 'yes' to yourself. A physical place with little opportunity for distraction will free up your thoughts. Try not to worry about mistakes from the past or what the future will bring. Carve out quiet time each day and discover what brings you peace of mind.

We want to hear from you - tell us about your greatest challenges and how you're managing them. And please log on again on Wednesday for more practical tips about nourishing your family without staving yourself.

Tips for College Grads Boomeranging Back Home

Are your college grads getting ready to move back home?

In Monday's post, we started a list of tips for parents busy cleaning up their college seniors' rooms before heading off to graduation. If boomerang kids are about to become your new housemates, here's some practical insight you can share as they begin to look for work in this tough economy:

Rely on your instincts. Listen to the advice of those you trust. But look inside for answers and find your own voice. Don’t jump at money or do what others think you should - define success on your own terms. If you feel you’re moving in the direction of where you belong, believe in what you’re doing. Emotional discomfort can be an opportunity to grow.

Discover your passion. With our society and the job market in flux, you may have to reorder your priorities for now. Keep busy and try to make a contribution as a volunteer or mentor where you can use you talents and energy to be of service to others. You can tap into your compassion and courage to find a larger purpose.

Increase your resiliency. At times it may be difficult to maintain composure under trying circumstances. Take one day at a time. Develop strategies to manage stress and build your confidence. Call on your faith or spirituality. Step by step, you'll turn your hopes and dreams into reality.

Your recent grads may not be sure of what road they’re on or whether they should have taken it. Perhaps they’re having doubts or second thoughts: if only I had applied to law school, what if I had majored in engineering? It’s common and normal to have ambivalent emotions - the desire to hold on and to let go, excitement as well as fear about the future.

The 20s are still the defining decade of adult life and your emerging adult kids are living with an unprecedented amount of uncertainty. Let them know you have their back. Encourage them to reach deep for the resolve to face their situation squarely - in time, they can’t help but grow from their challenges and experiences.

Boomerang Kids Moving Back Home After College

Not since the Great Depression have so many fledgling adults moved into the empty nest with mom and dad. This cyclical trend has accelerated along with the economic crisis. So many of our kids are dealing with school loans or debts and can't find a job. It makes sense for them to head for home, where there's the hope of some emotional and financial support.

The statistics have changed markedly over the past few years. Monster's 2009 annual entry level job outlook reports that 40% of 2008 college graduates moved in with their parents and 42% of 2006 graduates were still living at home. A poll from Twentysomething, Inc. indicates that 85% of 2011 college seniors planned to move back in with their parents. This is attributed to a 15% unemployment rate in the 20-24 year old cohort as well as other economic factors that are postponing financial and residential independence. The numbers are even worse for students who attended for-profit college programs (and who may not have even left home in the first place).

The huge boom in boomerangs has generated its fair share of pop culture angst. This phenomenon really doesn't reflect failure on the part of parents or the laziness of kids today. Transition to adulthood just seems to be more fragmented and complicated. And who wouldn't take advantage of a warm, comfortable and familiar port in the storm?

But coddling can stunt development and over-managing isn't the best way to monitor the investment you've made in your kids. Here are some ideas that will eventually help you reap the dividends:

Have a serious conversation. Understand why your emerging adult is moving back and how you feel about it. It will be best for everyone if, early on, expectations are similar. Watch out for triangulation - that is, identifying any one of you as the problem and aligning one against the other. It's common for relationships to shift as you all work to accommodate these changes. You need to be prepared for less privacy and spontaneity as well as new patterns of interacting and parenting.

Establish accountability and boundaries. Negotiate household chores and financial obligations upfront. Having rules in place will ease the transition and smooth out the day-to-day interactions. As your kids have been on their own and independent, clarify issues around curfew, checking in and sleepovers. And set limits together, as adults.

Do you have a boomerang kid moving back in? Click on "Comments" below to share your concerns and solutions. Log on Wednesday for more practical ideas that can help your family make it work.

Enjoying Your Boomerang Kids

When your adult child boomerangs back home, it can be a win-win situation for all of you, rather than a cause for alarm. If you follow our tips, your new arrangement opens up the opportunity to see each other through fresh eyes. You can let go of the old hurts and old memories of conflicts between you. Experience first hand how your offspring have matured and let them see you as more than just parents.



One mother recounted how the richness of her relationship with her son and daughter-in-law developed and grew during the year the kids moved in with her and her husband. "We all agreed we wouldn't make any assumptions about spending more time together. They didn't want to be asked if they were coming home for dinner and I didn't want to include them in my dinner preparations every night. With their work schedule and ours being so different, we often didn't see each other for days. But when we did, it was delightful to be with them. On weekends, my daughter-in-law likes to cook and sometimes we hung out together in the kitchen - one day we baked and iced dozens of cupcakes, just for fun. And my son even kissed me good-bye when he left for work, if I was around. Now that they are back on their own, I miss those days of camaraderie. During the year, I learned to treat them as the adults they had become and they learned to look at me as a real person, not just a mother. It was a great experience for all of us."

How about you? What have been your experiences when a child boomerangs back, either alone or with his/her family? What did you do to make the situation work better for everyone?

What other challenges have you been dealing with? Click on the title of the post to take you to an interactive site on HerMentorCenter.com, "About You." Here you can express yourself about concerns you may have at this time of life transitions and what coping skills are most helpful to you in dealing with them.

Communicating with Your Boomerang Kids

Once it looks like you are going to have an adult child move back home, planning with you family in flux is the name of the game. After all, you don't want to duck or get hit in the head when a boomerang flies back toward you. Use these tips to help you get started.



Have a family meeting where all of you can be open about your needs and expectations. Listen to what your offspring, and their partners who may be moving in too, say about what is essential to them. Express your own set of values and what you require to make the change work for you. You can set the tone for the meeting by agreeing to create a list of your family C. C. & R.'s.

Boomerang C.C.& R.'s. These are not the tedious covenants, conditions and restrictions that comprise the C.C. & R.'s of homeowner associations but rather the guidelines that will help you structure a compatible framework for living together in your household.

Just as in real estate the most important characteristic of a property is location, location, location, for a boomerang family, the first "C" is communication, communication, communication. Make it a must to keep the lines of discussion open between you as you work through the issues that come up.

Cooperation is the second "C," as you remember to come from a place of love. You are more than just a landlord - you are a parent who shares with your children their desire to succeed. And your children are more than just tenants - they have grown up with you as their role models. And don't forget other "C's" as you decide on the specific "rules and regulations" of your new relationship - courtesy, consideration, competence.

The "R" is respect - as we know from Aretha Franklin, that's spelled R-E-S-P-E-C-T and it's needed on both sides of the generation gap. Discussing the boundaries you each want to set ahead of time, and making sure to adhere to them, will avoid hot button issues from developing later.

Have a Plan B to use when you are readjusting after your initial arrangement does not work out exactly as planned. As a Sandwiched Boomer, you know the importance of being flexible. Few plans can be put into place exactly as we expect. Both you and your boomerang need to accept that nothing is set in stone and your changing relationship is a work in progress.

To find more tips to help with sensitive communications with your boomerang kids, click on the post title above. It will take you to HerMentorCenter.com and our article, "How Politics Can Teach the Sandwich Generation a Lesson in Communication."

Refreshing the Relationship with Your Boomerang Kids

Robert Frost wasn't thinking about boomerang kids when he wrote in his 1915 poem, Death of the Hired Man, "Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in." But he sure might have been.

In this economy, adult children are moving back home in record numbers - for many different reasons. Some are doing frugal planning ahead of the curve. They want to put aside money to buy a house or other large purchase and arrange to put the money they save on rent into a special account. With unemployment hovering around 10% in many areas, others may find that they need to move back home after a job loss. Still other adult children have faced the credit crunch, foreclosure and loss of their own home, causing them to move back to their family home because they have no other place to live. Some young adults are forced to declare bankruptcy and move back home until they can get a handle on their finances and build up credit again.



While the reasons for moving back home may be different, the means of making the situation work for everyone are variations on the same themes - familiar ones to Sandwiched Boomers. And what are those themes? The recognition of change and the need for respect for the rights and autonomy of everyone involved.

After spending years without the day-to-day responsibilities of mothering, you probably don't want to pick up your old role where you left it. And your adult children likely do not want to be mothered in a childish way - they would be smothered by it. So you can each begin the process of refreshing your relationship with the understanding that things will not be as they were in years past. Everyone is free to change and be creative with fresh eyes and design a new relationship, recognizing you can enjoy the maturity that each of you has gained.

When you make respect your mantra, you all have the opportunity to take each other's opinions and needs into consideration. It's not always easy. The social values of young and older adults may be vastly different. In fact, The Pew Research Center recently reported their findings that the generation gap in the United States is the biggest it has been in the past 40 years. To help you get started with your new perspective, tomorrow you'll find specific techniques to implement with your boomerang offspring as you set the stage for rich and rewarding relationships with them.

And click on the title above for more tips on how to help your boomerang children regain their independence. You'll find helpful advice on HerMentorCenter.com, in our article, "How to Launch Your Boomerang Kidult."

Living with Boomerang Kids

As we start the New Year, we wrap up this week's blogs highlighting our suggestions in the Newsweek.com article on boomerang kids. Today we hear from a sampling of the parents and kids who commented that they have made the situation work for everyone.

A parent, Ladytechie, writes, "I share an apartment with a grown son. Note the share. We split the bills. I cook dinner (by choice, it's as much hobby with me as necessity), he does all the heavy cleaning, our bedrooms are off-limits to each other. Generally we do keep each other posted on our where-abouts. Both of us have good jobs - it came about because we both found ourselves single, and somewhat at loose ends, and not real happy living alone. It works, primarily because we both recognize that the other is an adult. I think that's the key, and it's much harder to do than one would expect."

Angel tells her side of the story. "I'm 32 and am currently living with my parents until I can find an apartment. If not for my parents, I would have been homeless after my divorce. I thank them every day, with words and contributions to the household budget and chores. Living with my parents is more fun than living with any roommate and is certainly more fun than living alone. I pay my way and do my share. They never have to give me money and they don't change any of their plans on my behalf. In fact, they like to include me in their plans and I often say no so they can have some time together. I shouldn't be made to feel like I'm not a 'real adult' or a 'responsible adult' because I share a home with my mom and dad rather than sharing one with a random stranger who answered an ad in the newspaper. I have been given the chance to get to know them as people rather than just parents. I truly believe that if there is mutual respect, adult children moving back home can be a pleasant and even wonderful experience."

To get more tips on enjoying the empty nest or living with boomerang kids, click on the title above and sign up for our free newsletter, Stepping Stones.

Happy New Year

We wish you and yours a very happy and healthy New Year. Tune in tomorrow as we wrap up our discussion of boomerang kids and the comments on the Newsweek.com article. And visit us often at www.HerMentorCenter.com where you can sign up for our Free Newsletter, Stepping Stones. Clicking on the title above will take you to Her Mentor Center where you can browse through the Newsletter Library and the Nourishing Relationships archives. Enjoy!

Setting Guidelines with Boomerang Kids

Readers of the Newsweek.com article by Tina Peng on boomerang kids, "They're Baaack," had lots of comments about how to make the situation work for both the parents and the kids. Here are just a sampling:

Headface sets the stage for a new realationship when kids move back home. "I think there should be a new set of rules involved. The kids should have to pay part of the rent/mortgage, the same for groceries, do their share of chores, etc. Any parent who lets the dynamic regress back to when their kids were 10 isn't being a supportive parent; they're just being a sucker...and doing more harm to their children than good."

Burbank also encourages family discussions around the issues coming up when kids boomerang back. "If your child moves home after being on his or her own after college or a job loss, then you should remind them that they cannot just come and go as they please. They need to understand that they are not in college any more and that they can help with or do things that you did before they left the first time. Laundry, house cleaning, and being responsible for their behavior to include respect for house rules now that they moved back home. You don't have to treat them like children and they, in turn, must act like responsible adults."

Bradley focuses on how parents can protect themselves in the process. "I think the line needs to be drawn when kids come home and expect food to be put on the table, free rent, and have other daily life expenses covered. That absolutely constrains parental freedoms." Alwaysamom adds her comment, "I agree with the couple in the article that you have to have very clear expectations when adult children return home. They seem to try and fall back into that role where they're dependent and that is not healthy for anyone involved. Communication is very important to not have resentment from anyone." Another parent, Bsolue sums it up, "Hey, our kids will always be our kids. I'm 52 and I have a 21 and 18 year old. If they want to move back home, cool. As long as I can introduce them to the mower and vacuum cleaner, I'm happy."

To read our tips on launching your boomerang kidult, click on the title above.

Boomerang Kids

Many of the comments to the article, "They're Baack," by Tina Peng in Newsweek.com were based on how the respondent viewed "family." Cool, in her thirties, finds fault with Baby Boomers for "the idea of turning your back on your family for a fresh start somewhere far, far away" and continues, "most people on the planet still live in some form of an extended family." Derrick agrees that the family should be there for their adult children, "You have created an obligation for yourself when you had kids to take care of them when they need you to be there for them." Cougar agrees, "what a shame when someone can't count on their families in their time of need. And your responsibility is over at 18?" Ravenly, pregnant and single at age 23, moved back in with her parents and believes "family will and should always be there fore you."

Not all of those in the younger generation agree. Summer believes "parents should take care of their kids when they are children...someone in their 20"s i not a child. The sense of entitlement in our generation is crazy sometimes." Elistra, age 32, agrees. "what has happened that so many young people value creature comforts over freedom and independence? I'd sooner live under an overpass as to move back in with my parents." Lakoma believes "once children leave home, their parents no longer have to take them back in. My parents kicked me out at 21 and I made my own way. I think that people want to whine because they don't want to take responsibility for the way their lives are turning out." Chris tells her story. "Moving back home should not be an option. I moved out when I was 18 and, yes, times got hard. Even when I lost a job, I did not move back in with my mother. It's like my mother told me growing up, 'Take care of your needs before your wants.'"

Speaking poignantly for the older generation, Gwen responds. "As the mother of five adult sons, I would relish having them come back home. After the sudden death of my husband, the quiet in this huge house is deafening. Home should always be a place that you can return to. The rest of the world has it right. Americans really don't understand the concept of family."

If you want to weigh in yourself, check out the article and comments at Newsweek.com and let us know your thoughts on boomerang kids. And click on the title above to read our article giving tips on living with boomerang kids.

Newsweek.com Article

Some of our readers noticed that ten days ago we were featured in an article written by Tina Peng for the online edition of Newsweek magazine. If you missed it, you can still read it, "They're Baack," at http://www.newsweek.com/id/175908. Or just click on our blog title above and it will take you there. In her Newsweek web exclusive, Tina notes that today many empty-nesters are hit with boomeranging kids moving back home. She asked for our input to help families dealing with this growing phenomenon. Here are some excerpts of what she included in her article from our interviews with her.

"Those numbers—and the number of working young adults who move home—will continue to increase as the economy worsens, says Rosemary Lichtman, coauthor with Goldberg of an upcoming book about baby boomers who have to take care of both their parents and their children."

"These extended stays can jolt the marital relationships of couples that have settled into happy new kid-free patterns. "It's hard to put their needs on the back burner and have the kids be the first priority again," says Phyllis Goldberg, a psychotherapist and counselor in California. But by not losing focus on themselves, parents can ease the transition and keep their re-lit flame burning."

"How can couples ease the tension? Be a little selfish, advises Lichtman: stay somewhat emotionally detached so it's easier to reclaim your lifestyle. Letting your kids ease back into their pre-college roles as dependents will make you active parents again, rather than partners."

"Spouses should set guidelines for their boomerang kids, Lichtman and Goldberg say. Hold family meetings to determine how they'll share the home's chores and responsibilities and how they're planning to eventually be independent again. Otherwise, parents run the risk of feeling betrayed and used, which could further strain their relationship with their kids and each other."

The Newsweek.com article generated over 200 separate comments from readers weighing in on the issue of boomerang kids. The majority of those commenting were from the younger generation. We will be reprinting some of the comments this week so that you know what your kids have to say about this issue. Feel free to let them - and us - know your own reactions to the story.

There's a fair amount of attention being paid to Sandwich Generation month on the Internet. And that got us thinking about how overwhelming it can be especially in times of family crisis - a parent diagnosed with Alzheimer's, an adult child out of work and moving back home - to wade through tons of material just to be informed.

Stress resulting from information overload is the order of the day. So let us tell you about a service that has been extremely useful to us - it called Google Alerts. It's a innovative time-saving tool that will save you hours of repeating the same topic search over and over again. You can have articles brought to your attention with little effort on your part.

What are they? Google Alerts are email updates of the latest relevant Google results, whether on the web or in the news, based on your choice of query or topic - for example, Sandwiched Boomers, aging parents, empty nest, boomerang kids.

To get connected to this free service, just go to Google and search for Google Alerts. Fill out the form with your particular requests - the subject you want to monitor, the search terms, how often you want to be alerted and your email address where messages are to be sent. You will be introduced to Internet resources, both personal and academic, and your job will be to focus on the material that is most helpful to your particular circumstances. And let us know once you've tried it.

Boomerang kids moving back home after college, unable to get a job or make enough money for independent living, is old news. Lately, issues facing the wave of Sandwiched Boomers - who are handling new responsibilities as their aging parents need more help - have been targeted by the media.

This weekend, in the Los Angeles Times, there's an article entitled "Middle-aged and living with Mom." Apparently more people in their 40s and 50s, laid off from jobs, struggling in a difficult economy, unable to make ends meet, are settling into to the bedrooms they grew up in.

The question is, how far to go? Some parents jeopardize their financial freedom or give up their dreams. They feel guilty and have a hard time saying no. Others see this as a last chance to spend time together, give emotional support, to help each other. What do you think?

What did Barack Obama's speech this morning have to do with Sandwiched Boomers? While discussing the complexity of his relationship to Reverend Wright, he was also referring to the macrocosm - the voter's relationship to the American family and, on some level, our relationship to our own family.

At one time or another we've all been distracted by the negatives - having to care for an aging parent who didn't take good care of us growing up or or having to deal with an adult child who has lost his job and boomeranged back home. But we always have a choice, no matter how difficult - we can focus on what is within our control, take the high road and create change.

How can you use this as a teachable moment for your own family? We all know that it's a lot easier to condemn others than to look at ourselves. What does 'your dreams don't have to come at the expense of my dreams' mean to you. And how can you take the core of that message and put it into a broader and more practical context for your family in flux?