Living with Boomerang Kids

As we start the New Year, we wrap up this week's blogs highlighting our suggestions in the Newsweek.com article on boomerang kids. Today we hear from a sampling of the parents and kids who commented that they have made the situation work for everyone.

A parent, Ladytechie, writes, "I share an apartment with a grown son. Note the share. We split the bills. I cook dinner (by choice, it's as much hobby with me as necessity), he does all the heavy cleaning, our bedrooms are off-limits to each other. Generally we do keep each other posted on our where-abouts. Both of us have good jobs - it came about because we both found ourselves single, and somewhat at loose ends, and not real happy living alone. It works, primarily because we both recognize that the other is an adult. I think that's the key, and it's much harder to do than one would expect."

Angel tells her side of the story. "I'm 32 and am currently living with my parents until I can find an apartment. If not for my parents, I would have been homeless after my divorce. I thank them every day, with words and contributions to the household budget and chores. Living with my parents is more fun than living with any roommate and is certainly more fun than living alone. I pay my way and do my share. They never have to give me money and they don't change any of their plans on my behalf. In fact, they like to include me in their plans and I often say no so they can have some time together. I shouldn't be made to feel like I'm not a 'real adult' or a 'responsible adult' because I share a home with my mom and dad rather than sharing one with a random stranger who answered an ad in the newspaper. I have been given the chance to get to know them as people rather than just parents. I truly believe that if there is mutual respect, adult children moving back home can be a pleasant and even wonderful experience."

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Happy New Year

We wish you and yours a very happy and healthy New Year. Tune in tomorrow as we wrap up our discussion of boomerang kids and the comments on the Newsweek.com article. And visit us often at www.HerMentorCenter.com where you can sign up for our Free Newsletter, Stepping Stones. Clicking on the title above will take you to Her Mentor Center where you can browse through the Newsletter Library and the Nourishing Relationships archives. Enjoy!

Setting Guidelines with Boomerang Kids

Readers of the Newsweek.com article by Tina Peng on boomerang kids, "They're Baaack," had lots of comments about how to make the situation work for both the parents and the kids. Here are just a sampling:

Headface sets the stage for a new realationship when kids move back home. "I think there should be a new set of rules involved. The kids should have to pay part of the rent/mortgage, the same for groceries, do their share of chores, etc. Any parent who lets the dynamic regress back to when their kids were 10 isn't being a supportive parent; they're just being a sucker...and doing more harm to their children than good."

Burbank also encourages family discussions around the issues coming up when kids boomerang back. "If your child moves home after being on his or her own after college or a job loss, then you should remind them that they cannot just come and go as they please. They need to understand that they are not in college any more and that they can help with or do things that you did before they left the first time. Laundry, house cleaning, and being responsible for their behavior to include respect for house rules now that they moved back home. You don't have to treat them like children and they, in turn, must act like responsible adults."

Bradley focuses on how parents can protect themselves in the process. "I think the line needs to be drawn when kids come home and expect food to be put on the table, free rent, and have other daily life expenses covered. That absolutely constrains parental freedoms." Alwaysamom adds her comment, "I agree with the couple in the article that you have to have very clear expectations when adult children return home. They seem to try and fall back into that role where they're dependent and that is not healthy for anyone involved. Communication is very important to not have resentment from anyone." Another parent, Bsolue sums it up, "Hey, our kids will always be our kids. I'm 52 and I have a 21 and 18 year old. If they want to move back home, cool. As long as I can introduce them to the mower and vacuum cleaner, I'm happy."

To read our tips on launching your boomerang kidult, click on the title above.

Boomerang Kids

Many of the comments to the article, "They're Baack," by Tina Peng in Newsweek.com were based on how the respondent viewed "family." Cool, in her thirties, finds fault with Baby Boomers for "the idea of turning your back on your family for a fresh start somewhere far, far away" and continues, "most people on the planet still live in some form of an extended family." Derrick agrees that the family should be there for their adult children, "You have created an obligation for yourself when you had kids to take care of them when they need you to be there for them." Cougar agrees, "what a shame when someone can't count on their families in their time of need. And your responsibility is over at 18?" Ravenly, pregnant and single at age 23, moved back in with her parents and believes "family will and should always be there fore you."

Not all of those in the younger generation agree. Summer believes "parents should take care of their kids when they are children...someone in their 20"s i not a child. The sense of entitlement in our generation is crazy sometimes." Elistra, age 32, agrees. "what has happened that so many young people value creature comforts over freedom and independence? I'd sooner live under an overpass as to move back in with my parents." Lakoma believes "once children leave home, their parents no longer have to take them back in. My parents kicked me out at 21 and I made my own way. I think that people want to whine because they don't want to take responsibility for the way their lives are turning out." Chris tells her story. "Moving back home should not be an option. I moved out when I was 18 and, yes, times got hard. Even when I lost a job, I did not move back in with my mother. It's like my mother told me growing up, 'Take care of your needs before your wants.'"

Speaking poignantly for the older generation, Gwen responds. "As the mother of five adult sons, I would relish having them come back home. After the sudden death of my husband, the quiet in this huge house is deafening. Home should always be a place that you can return to. The rest of the world has it right. Americans really don't understand the concept of family."

If you want to weigh in yourself, check out the article and comments at Newsweek.com and let us know your thoughts on boomerang kids. And click on the title above to read our article giving tips on living with boomerang kids.

Newsweek.com Article

Some of our readers noticed that ten days ago we were featured in an article written by Tina Peng for the online edition of Newsweek magazine. If you missed it, you can still read it, "They're Baack," at http://www.newsweek.com/id/175908. Or just click on our blog title above and it will take you there. In her Newsweek web exclusive, Tina notes that today many empty-nesters are hit with boomeranging kids moving back home. She asked for our input to help families dealing with this growing phenomenon. Here are some excerpts of what she included in her article from our interviews with her.

"Those numbers—and the number of working young adults who move home—will continue to increase as the economy worsens, says Rosemary Lichtman, coauthor with Goldberg of an upcoming book about baby boomers who have to take care of both their parents and their children."

"These extended stays can jolt the marital relationships of couples that have settled into happy new kid-free patterns. "It's hard to put their needs on the back burner and have the kids be the first priority again," says Phyllis Goldberg, a psychotherapist and counselor in California. But by not losing focus on themselves, parents can ease the transition and keep their re-lit flame burning."

"How can couples ease the tension? Be a little selfish, advises Lichtman: stay somewhat emotionally detached so it's easier to reclaim your lifestyle. Letting your kids ease back into their pre-college roles as dependents will make you active parents again, rather than partners."

"Spouses should set guidelines for their boomerang kids, Lichtman and Goldberg say. Hold family meetings to determine how they'll share the home's chores and responsibilities and how they're planning to eventually be independent again. Otherwise, parents run the risk of feeling betrayed and used, which could further strain their relationship with their kids and each other."

The Newsweek.com article generated over 200 separate comments from readers weighing in on the issue of boomerang kids. The majority of those commenting were from the younger generation. We will be reprinting some of the comments this week so that you know what your kids have to say about this issue. Feel free to let them - and us - know your own reactions to the story.