Communicating with Your Boomerang Kids

Once it looks like you are going to have an adult child move back home, planning with you family in flux is the name of the game. After all, you don't want to duck or get hit in the head when a boomerang flies back toward you. Use these tips to help you get started.



Have a family meeting where all of you can be open about your needs and expectations. Listen to what your offspring, and their partners who may be moving in too, say about what is essential to them. Express your own set of values and what you require to make the change work for you. You can set the tone for the meeting by agreeing to create a list of your family C. C. & R.'s.

Boomerang C.C.& R.'s. These are not the tedious covenants, conditions and restrictions that comprise the C.C. & R.'s of homeowner associations but rather the guidelines that will help you structure a compatible framework for living together in your household.

Just as in real estate the most important characteristic of a property is location, location, location, for a boomerang family, the first "C" is communication, communication, communication. Make it a must to keep the lines of discussion open between you as you work through the issues that come up.

Cooperation is the second "C," as you remember to come from a place of love. You are more than just a landlord - you are a parent who shares with your children their desire to succeed. And your children are more than just tenants - they have grown up with you as their role models. And don't forget other "C's" as you decide on the specific "rules and regulations" of your new relationship - courtesy, consideration, competence.

The "R" is respect - as we know from Aretha Franklin, that's spelled R-E-S-P-E-C-T and it's needed on both sides of the generation gap. Discussing the boundaries you each want to set ahead of time, and making sure to adhere to them, will avoid hot button issues from developing later.

Have a Plan B to use when you are readjusting after your initial arrangement does not work out exactly as planned. As a Sandwiched Boomer, you know the importance of being flexible. Few plans can be put into place exactly as we expect. Both you and your boomerang need to accept that nothing is set in stone and your changing relationship is a work in progress.

To find more tips to help with sensitive communications with your boomerang kids, click on the post title above. It will take you to HerMentorCenter.com and our article, "How Politics Can Teach the Sandwich Generation a Lesson in Communication."

Respectful Mothers-in-Law Create Meaningful Bonds

Reading through some of the comments we've gotten from you, our readers, we are again struck by the wisdom and sensitivity of women. The theme of R-E-S-P-E-C-T, as Aretha Franklin put it, dominates the way successful mothers-in-law relate to their offspring and their partners. When we consider the relationship from the eyes of our children and look at the challenges they face, we can focus on how they are maturing rather than on how we are coping with their development. Their growth can give us a sense of pride and satisfaction when we view them as the fellow adults they have become.

As one MIL put it, "Becoming a new mother-in-law last August, I would say that there are subtle changes in a mother's relationship with her child as well as that child's new spouse. Basically, the focus for them becomes their relationship with each other, and this changes the relationships with their families of origin. As parents, we must recognize this fact and respect their new challenges and priorities. It may be painful in ways to release a primary relationship with one's child -- almost like 'empty nest' again -- but I don't believe being married lessens their love, just their priorities."

Thinking back to the time you were a bride and daughter-in-law yourself can remind you about the needs of the new couple and provide some ideas about how to move forward in transforming your relationship. A MIL continues, "I know I will miss my time alone with my child, but I can also make occasional efforts to arrange some special time, knowing that possibly my child would also occasionally appreciate some private time with me. I often reflect on how I felt in relation to my parents after getting married -- and this gives me new insights into how my getting married affected them! It boils down to experiences and emotions every generation shares."

Another MIL, who was coping with the resistance of one of her children to accept the same-sex partner of another, received these words of support from a reader: "I know the other son will come around. We have friends with a gay son whose oldest son was quite discriminating at first and who now loves and understands his younger brother. I am learning that change takes time and patience."

This MIL also focused on some of the positives that come from having a good relationship with children-in-law, noting: "I have to say that my daughter's partner has allowed and even encouraged our daughter to see her parents in a new light. Our new daughter-in-law loves and appreciates who we are and this has given our daughter a new love for the people who raised her."

So, son-in-law or daughter-in-law, same-sex or opposite sex partner, the issues are often the same. And the solutions too - respect, patience, acceptance, and most of all, love.

Please continue to send in your stories and comments so we can share them with other MILs out there!