The Day After

…And they lived happily ever after.

That's what we're told at the end of fairy tales. And we want to believe it. But the truth is we really don't know what happens after the wedding. How does the couple resolve the inevitable conflicts? How do they support each other after a defeat? How do they incorporate romantic love into the reality of day-to-day ups and downs?

Today is Valentine's Day plus One. You may be feeling disappointed and resentful about yesterday or happy and cherished. Perhaps you want to savor the warm love you received or to rehash the letdown you experienced. Your focus may even be on what you gave to those you love rather than on what you received. In any case, your perceptions become reality and your reactions set the tone for what comes next.

Life is complicated. It's both good and bad, filled with successes and failures. Often your responses give meaning to what has occurred more than do the actual events themselves.


Take a good look at this picture. You may only see the dark clouds, portending an ominous future or instead notice the patches of color that indicate a potentially rosy outlook. The flag may suggest a sense of community and belonging or the separation from others who are not in the group. A focus on the airplane can remind you of adventures still ahead or fear of the unknown. Even the tankers in the background can raise feelings of optimism or pessimism about our environment.

It's not really concrete objects, events and people that define our lives but how we react to them. Our stories begin in earnest the day after. It's not easy but that's when we begin the real work of resilience and creation. How will you choose to tell your own story? With gratitude and forgiveness or bitterness and remorse? It's up to you.

Gabby Giffords as an Inspirational Role Model

The courage and dignity shown by Gabrielle Giffords over the past year as she struggled to cope with the results of her horrific shooting were repeated this week as she made the announcement that she will step down today from her position as the United States Representative from her district in Arizona. It was inspiring to watch her smiling face and listen to her halting but strong voice declare her thanks for the support of her constituents and her pledge to return to the people of Arizona.

Photo courtesy of Gabrielle Giffords Congressional Office/Handout/Reuters

When Gabby Giffords was first shot, we blogged here about how the country would react to this crime by a mentally ill gunman. We had some suggestions for getting support in such times of crisis and for managing the stress that comes from an uncontrollable event like her shooting. You can look back over those posts and try on some of the tips we outlined there.

In addition to killing six citizens at the town hall, wounding another 12, and forever changing Gabby's life, the shooting also generated partisan finger pointing, ironic since Giffords had been rated as one of the most bipartisan, centrist members of Congress.

Gabby has been an exemplar of self-respect in her determination to progress in her healing. It is humbling to see her commitment and perseverance as she continues on her road to recovery and rehabilitation.

As you talk with you family about the role model she embodies, you can focus on some of her beliefs, attitudes and actions. Gabby has been:

Determined to move forward
Hard working in her rehabilitation
Optimistic in her outlook
Realistic in her goal setting
Steadfast in her beliefs about reconciliation
Appreciative of the support she's received
Grateful for her friends and family
Loving to her husband
Loyal to her constituents
True to herself
Committed to living a full life

These are all qualities we hope to emulate ourselves and instill in our children. We wish Gabby the very best of luck on her difficult but inspiring journey and support her words today, I will return, and we will work together for Arizona and this great country.

Surviving Breast Cancer

As you recognize from all the pink ribbons around, October is National Breast Cancer Awareness month. Yet soon the month will be over and done - just as breast cancer can be diagnosed and treated. Between 2 and 3 million American women today have survived this health challenge and are living cancer-free. But thriving after any serious illness is complicated and sometimes feels like an uphill struggle.

Today's coping tips can help you support yourself - emotionally and physically - along the difficult course of dealing with breast cancer and its treatments. As women move through this process, many find that staying informed and involved at each step gives them a sense of power and resiliency. The National Cancer Institute, a part of NIH, has a wide range of materials to make this job easier. Here are some more tips from us to help you take charge of your life.

Take good care of yourself. Pamper yourself - you deserve it! Follow the guidelines of the American Cancer Society and set aside time for you. Begin an exercise program that includes aerobics, flexibility and strengthening exercises. Enjoy eating a more healthful diet rich in fruits and vegetables. Schedule relaxation time to decrease the stresses in your life. Learn visualization techniques. Think about what you really like to do and do it. Of course this is easier to say than it may be to do, but stick with your decision to make time for yourself. You can make it happen.

Redirect yourself toward active goal setting. When a serious illness strikes, you may feel like your life is completely out of control. To regain a sense of direction, reflect on what priorities are important to you and then set a goal within your reach. Identify your strengths and build on them as you plan how to achieve your objectives. Journaling may be helpful as you consider strategies and options. Initiate your plan in small steps and review your progress regularly.

Make something positive come out of the situation. Women who are able to find some positive meaning in such a negative situation often experience growth as well as a greater sense of control and feelings of confidence and optimism. Think about how you can use the unique perspective you have gained to make the rest of your life richer and more meaningful. Nancy G. Brinker supported her sister Susan in her unsuccessful fight against breast cancer and later founded Susan G. Komen for the Cure. It has become the world's largest grassroots network of breast cancer survivors and activists and the largest source of nonprofit funds dedicated to winning the fight Susan ultimately lost.

Take credit for the challenge you have faced and the changes you are making. Recognize and accept that you have faced many difficulties in your process of healing. Give yourself credit for the hard work you have completed to get to this point in your recovery. You have learned about yourself and made changes in the way you think, feel, act and react to yourself, others and the situation around you.

You can read one woman's story about her experiences with breast cancer on our website in an early newsletter. Feel free to browse around and read other archived newsletters that interest you. Then sign up to receive your own copy of our free monthly newsletter in its new format, Stepping Stones, emailed directly to you. When you do, you'll receive a complimentary copy of our ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned.

Take off your Mask and Take Care of You

Are you a Sandwiched Boomer facing the challenges of parents growing older and children growing up? If so, you're probably changing your mask throughout your busy day - and if not that, certainly your attitude and facial expression. But you can harmonize your feelings with the face you show the world.

Bring congruency into your life. Notice that when you feel one way and act another, you're out of sorts. Work on synchronicity – that is, making what you feel match what you do. Integrate your core values and personal ideals into how you view the world – and live them.

It can be difficult to maintain a sense of optimism when circumstances are emotionally painful. But there are psychological pitfalls when you present a false self and mask your true identity. If your negative feelings stem from a void inside, examine what is missing in your life. It takes a lot of courage to exorcise you demons and the road to healing is long and hard. But you can hold yourself to a higher standard. Take off your mask and commit to feeling more positive about yourself.

How do you spend your free time away from all your responsibilities? A massage or facial may seem too extravagant in this tough economy. But taking a walk in the park or a hike in the hills with a friend can be a real energy booster - give it a try! And click on the title of this post for some tips on how to take better care of yourself.

Optimistic Women have Lower Risk of Heart Disease

Need a reason to look on the bright side? In a recent study of women 50 years and older, the participants were asked to answer a standard questionnaire that measured optimistic tendencies based on responses to statements like "In uncertain times, I expect the worst." Those scoring highest in optimism on this scale were more likely to be alive eight years later, while those with the lowest, most pessimistic scores were more likely to have died from any cause, including heart disease. Apparently pessimism may be as bad as having high blood pressure, a well-known heart risk factor when it comes to cardiovascular health. That's not such a surprise, says the lead researcher, considering that optimistic people - more hopeful overall - probably have a larger support network, watch what they eat, exercise more and see the doctor regularly. They may cope better with stress, a risk factor that has been associated with high blood pressure, heart disease and early death in previous studies.

The study reveals interesting findings. Now the resarch team plans to replicate them and find out why this association is happening. And study whether a change in attitude can lower the risk of heart problems.

So what do you think - are you generally optimistic or pessimistic? And, if your attitude is more often negative, what can you do to modify it?

NBCAM and Dealing with Breast Cancer

As women move through the steps of coping with breast cancer and its treatments, many find that staying informed and involved in the process gives them a sense of power and resiliency. Here are some more tips to help you take charge of your life.

Redirect yourself toward active goal setting. When a serious illness strikes, you may feel like your life is completely out of control. To regain a sense of direction, reflect on what priorities are important to you and then set a goal within your reach. Identify your strengths and build on them as you plan how to achieve your objectives. Journaling may be helpful as you consider strategies and options. Initiate your plan in small steps and review your progress regularly.

Make something positive come out of the situation. Women who are able to find some positive meaning in such a negative situation often experience growth as well as a greater sense of control and feelings of confidence and optimism. Think about how you can use the unique perspective you have gained to make the rest of your life richer and more meaningful.

When you feel like it is almost too much to get started making a change, reflect on how inertia can hamper your efforts to cope. Click on the post title above to take you to our website and the article, "Sandwiched Boomers: 7 Tips on Fighting Inertia." They will help give you just the push you need to begin.

Today's pink ribbon is by Rachel Meinz and can be found on Carol Sutton's site, http://www.carolsutton.net/download_pink-ribbon.html

Video Tips for Keeping Your Perspective in a Recession

Redefining a crisis as a challenge gives you the power to begin, step by step, coping with the situation. See the changes you need to make in this recession as the opportunity to create a more fulfilling life for yourself and your family. Recognizing your strengths and resources keeps you optimistic and resilient. Click on the video for 10-second tips about keeping your perspective in this recession.



For more tips about how to stay positive during this economic recession, click on the title above. It will link you to www.HerMentorCenter.com and our article, "Five Ways Sandwiched Boomers Can think Positive in Tough Times."

Optimism in Tough Times

Optimism is key if couples are to move ahead in tough times. Coca-Cola's history of positive messaging is legendary. During the recession of 1980, consumers were reminded to "Have a Coke and a smile."

But we all know it takes more than a coke and a smile. Try to access your money script, which is governed by a process outside consciousness in the part of the brain called the amygdale. By understanding how your family of origin dealt with money - and your emotional reaction to it - you’ll gain insight into your own financial strategies. This alone can help alleviate some of the stress, especially if you’re feeling paralyzed or even just stuck. If you’re focusing blame on your spouse, perhaps this process will allow you to look at the part you play in the present situation. You may decide to curb impulse spending if you realize that money and stuff are not necessarily a measure of power or self worth.

Focus your efforts and help your relationship by getting back to the basics. Click on the title to read an article on Her Mentor Center about Fighting Inertia. And let us hear about what works for you.

The Academy Awards and Sandwiched Boomers

The 81st Academy Awards presented last night might seem to be an unlikely place for Sandwiched Boomers to look for role models. After all, the red carpet doesn't exactly represent the clothes and shoes in our closets or the figures reflected back to us in our mirrors each morning. So what lessons can we take from the Oscars? Instead of focusing on the fashions, this week we'll take a look at the winners and the examples they provide.

Work around obstacles placed in your path. Well-known now is the saga of Slumdog Millionaire, which almost didn't make it to the wide screens. The determination of director Danny Boyle and others connected with the film to find funding and a distributor after they lost their original backing led to the Oscar for best picture rather than directly to a place at the bottom of your queue at Netflix.

Have a Plan B ready. What do you do when your original plans don't work out? Give up in despair or brainstorm other means of getting to your goal? When you resolve to apply your energy and skills to get what you want, you will find that often the path of your Plan B ends at the same target you had in your sights. So when things don't seem to be going your way, hang in there and give it another try. You may not become a millionaire, but you can become a winner in life.

Look at life as a series of opportunities. Even host Hugh Jackman can teach us something about taking risks and going all out for something we believe in. As he revealed to Barbara Walters in his interview, he chose to define his pre-Oscar feelings as excitement not nervousness.

To learn more about how you can move away from pessimism and instead build an optimistic outlook, click on the title above. It will take you to www.HerMentorCenter.com and our article entitled, How Boomers Can Sing Rock & Roll Instead of the Blues. And tune in tomorrow for more tips on how to develop your own strength and resiliency.

President Barack Obama

Despite early frigid temperatures, a mid-day sun warmed the crowd of more than two million who came to celebrate the inauguration of Barack Obama as America's 44th president. He took the reins of power in a high-noon ceremony amid economic worries and high expectations.

Obama's inauguration represents a time of renewal and optimism. In his speech, he said the nation must choose "hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord" to overcome the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression.

His election was cheered around the world as a sign that America will be more embracing. But he warned, "To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West - know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy." And "To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history, but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist."

He wove a thread of personal responsibility and accountability through the address. "Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices." He said that all Americans have roles in rebuilding the nation by renewing the traditions of hard work, honesty and fair play, tolerance, loyalty and patriotism.

The crowd in the National Mall, including a lot of multi-generational families watched a longheld dream come true. And if today's enthusiasm is any indication of what's to come, it looks like the American spirit is strong.

It can be difficult for Sandwiched Boomers to maintain a sense of optimism when emotional circumstances are complicated and perhaps even painful. But you owe it to yourself to begin to better understand and cope with your changing moods. Talking about your negative feelings can increase your awareness and mitigate symptoms. In addition, you need to flip the coin and look on the bright side – for example, recognize the insight, strengths and skills that are already an integral part of you.

Some experts say that you have to feel better before you can change your behavior. Others advise you to behave positively and the feelings will follow. Try something as simple as being friendly when you're feeling shy, or act happy when you feel sad. You know what happens when someone smiles at you. You can't help but smile back - and that feels good. Make a commitment to look at life through a more positive lens, starting right now.

Mitt Romney moved from silver to the gold in his Michigan victory and the look of jubilation and relief on his face was familiar. Haven't all of us, at one time or another, been behind and then pulled into a winning position?

More than ever, the race now appears to be a Republican free-for-all, with each candidate having a different platform and searching for how to win the votes. Lucky for Romney he has deep roots in Michigan and could be himself in his home state. As a successful business man, he used a targeted message by framing the economy as the main issue.

Romney called it the victory of optimisn over Washington pessimism. As Sandwiched Boomers are you feeling discouraged about some family circumstances? If you set a long range objective, that you break into smaller shortterm steps in order to reach it, you will reach your goal. Whether it's establishing boundaries for your boomerang kid who lost his job and moved back home or making arrangements for your Mom to go into assisted living, you do have the tools and experience to creatively work out a solution.

You can't always resolve problems in the same old way and big issues take time. However, the race isn't over until you reach the finish line. By keeping a positive attitude and putting one foot in front of the other, you really can do almost anything you put your mind to.