The Day After

…And they lived happily ever after.

That's what we're told at the end of fairy tales. And we want to believe it. But the truth is we really don't know what happens after the wedding. How does the couple resolve the inevitable conflicts? How do they support each other after a defeat? How do they incorporate romantic love into the reality of day-to-day ups and downs?

Today is Valentine's Day plus One. You may be feeling disappointed and resentful about yesterday or happy and cherished. Perhaps you want to savor the warm love you received or to rehash the letdown you experienced. Your focus may even be on what you gave to those you love rather than on what you received. In any case, your perceptions become reality and your reactions set the tone for what comes next.

Life is complicated. It's both good and bad, filled with successes and failures. Often your responses give meaning to what has occurred more than do the actual events themselves.


Take a good look at this picture. You may only see the dark clouds, portending an ominous future or instead notice the patches of color that indicate a potentially rosy outlook. The flag may suggest a sense of community and belonging or the separation from others who are not in the group. A focus on the airplane can remind you of adventures still ahead or fear of the unknown. Even the tankers in the background can raise feelings of optimism or pessimism about our environment.

It's not really concrete objects, events and people that define our lives but how we react to them. Our stories begin in earnest the day after. It's not easy but that's when we begin the real work of resilience and creation. How will you choose to tell your own story? With gratitude and forgiveness or bitterness and remorse? It's up to you.

Want Halloween Treats Instead of Tricks?

On Halloween, you don't have to dress up as a member of the Sandwich Generation - you likely already have that frazzled look about you. Caring for parents growing older and kids growing up can lead to stress and, in crisis, even depression. See if these practical insights can help with your negative emotions:

Knowledge is power. Gather information about ways to deal with how you are feeling - explore Internet search engines and sites or the self-help section of your local bookstore. And talk with friends and family who understand and whose opinions you respect.

Gratitude and forgiveness are compelling emotions. Use this to your advantage. Tell your partner, kids or parents about their positive qualities and what they mean to you. And forgive others who are important to you for some past wrongdoing or misunderstanding. Watch their reactions and see how that makes you feel.

Support is crucial – connect often. Enroll in a class or workshop through a university extension program or mental health center. Join an ongoing support group or attend a weekend retreat to share concerns, problem-solve and gain new perspective. A therapist or coach can be a sounding board and guide - someone to validate your ideas and help you follow through with your plans.

It can be difficult to maintain a sense of optimism when your circumstances are complicated and perhaps even painful. But you owe it to yourself to begin to cope with your changing moods. Recognize strengths and skills that are already an integral part of you. Release tension through humor to help you bounce back. And notice how a positive attitude supports what you do and who you are.

Beginning to talk about depression can increase your awareness, reduce the stigma and help minimize your symptoms. Think about exorcising your demons, once and for all. Don't disguise your true feelings, no matter what time of year. And this Halloween, take off your mask and commit to feeling emotionally stronger.

Sign the email list to the left of this post - you'll receive our free monthly newsletter, "Stepping Stones" and download a complimentary eBook about how to reach your goals. And in celebration of Halloween, we want to treat you to these tips about taking control of stress in a financial storm.

Your Relationships with Mom May be Complicated this Mother's Day

Are your plans for Mother's Day affected by your complex feelings for your aging mother? Your relationship with your mom is likely to be full of twists and turns, evolving over the years as you change. One Sandwiched Boomer ruminates about how she transformed her connections with her mother:

When Carol was a teenager, she felt that her strong mother was trying to control her. She looked forward to getting out from under her thumb and moved far away when she married and raised her own family. As her children matured, so did Carol. Soon she recognized that she admired and respected many of her mother’s characteristics - her sense of responsibility, her independence, her humor, her common sense. She forgave her mother and began to reach out to her: After she had a stroke, I moved her into our home. We all became closer and I began to understand her better. I wouldn't trade that year for anything.

On Monday, we shared some tips with you for making Mother's Day especially meaningful this year. Here are 4 more to consider as you plan for this Sunday - and the rest of the years you have together:

The old fashioned art of letter writing can help you develop a closer bond. Write her a letter about how grateful you feel to have her as your mother. Sharing these feelings increases good memories about the past and leads to greater personal satisfaction for both of you.

If you have some old issues to work out with your mother, you may be able to move forward in addressing them by writing her an apology letter or a letter offering forgiveness. When you apologize, you free yourself from shame or guilt and your mother from dwelling on anger or resentment.

When you forgive your mother for some past transgression, it doesn't necessarily excuse the action, but does free you from ruminating about it. Forgiveness releases you from the past; it is a gift that you give to yourself.

On some of your visits after Mother's Day do a chore to ease her burden - go grocery shopping together, accompany her to the next doctor's appointment, cook a delicious meal with enough left over for the next day.

Enjoy your mother on Sunday and savor these moments. Reflect on the positive feelings you have from the past and cultivate rich memories now to sustain you in the future. And have a happy Mother's Day yourself.

Improving Your Relationship for Valentine's Day

With research statistics still indicating that one out of every two marriages in the United States ends in divorce, you can beat the odds by resolving this Valentine's Day to work on improving your marriage.
Photo by Clare Bloomfield / Freedigitalphotos.net

Instead of letting your arguments spiral out of control, vow to use fair fighting techniques and put your differences behind you before you go to bed at night. Here are some tips to get you started:

Believe in your ability to change as a couple. When you make a pact to let go of old hurt feelings, you can focus on the present and what you can do to transform it. Trust that your love runs deep enough to support the work of strengthening it.

Focus on specific behaviors you would like your partner to change. Identify and prioritize particular actions that upset you and calmly talk about these. Be realistic about the ones you choose - focus on behaviors that your partner is able and willing to change.

Don't get stuck in past arguments. Agree not to fight the same battles over and over again. Either try to resolve them once and for all or agree to disagree. When you do, you can let go of your anger and begin the process of forgiveness.

Keep your communication open and honest. And be willing to cooperate and compromise about issues where you disagree. When you are able to deal with your anger and forgive your partner for mistakes he has made, you can both grow from the experience. And you'll feel better if you offer an apology when you have been the one in the wrong.

Give compliments freely. Sometimes it seems easier to criticize and complain than to praise and acknowledge positive behavior. Instead, be more attentive to the actions you want to reinforce. When you are thinking something nice, say it out loud to your partner.

Invest in your partnership. Make time for your relationship just as you would for any valuable asset. The efforts that you put into growing and developing it will be returned in multiples. Use each other for support as you are going through the myriad challenges of life.

Create greater intimacy with your partner and keep up the romance. Remind each other why you fell in love. Set aside time to be together and focus on each other. Be free with your affection and warmth. Tap into your sensuality and find new ways of exploring and expressing your sexual relationship together.

Plan some exciting adventures to bring back the feelings of exhilaration you felt when you first feel in love. You can discover new activities you both like to do - take a class, travel, go on an outing. The thrill of a new discovery can release dopamine and bring more pleasure into your relationship, encouraging real intimacy between you.

Studies have shown that for couples in love there are surges in dopamine, the chemical of pleasure, and in oxytocin, the hormone of bonding. These encourage further closeness and provide the benefits of reducing stress, creating calm, suppressing pain and producing better immune functioning. Researchers have estimated that in about one-third of long-term marriages, couples have the same kind of brain responses to each other as do newly in love couples. So whether you've been together for years or are newly falling in love, enjoy the feelings of closeness and have a happy Valentine's Day.

Listening and Being Heard on Mother's Day

Likely, you'll leave your pet at home if you're going out for Mother's Day. So who's there to listen attentively to your every word? Whether you're spending some time with your children or your mother on Sunday, you'll appreciate being heard - and knowing how to be a good listener goes along with that, Sandwiched Boomer or not.

Research shows that money, title, or good health has less effect on life satisfaction than strong personal relationships. So this Mother's Day, make a commitment to do what you can to improve the communications in your relationship with your mom as well as your grown children.

Just as you recognize it with your aging mother, let your kids know that the gift of time is one of the most precious presents you can receive. Spend some quality time with these close family members, talking and reminiscing. Look through old family photographs and share stories about when everyone was younger. The time you spend together will nourish you when you're apart.

For some special time with your mom or grown children, you will all feel more valued if you screen out the daily hassles and concentrate just on each other - plan an activity that you will both enjoy. Let yourselves become absorbed and delight in these pleasurable activities. Pay attention to the details. Talk about what you are doing, appreciating and enjoying. Linger awhile in order to make it last.

If you have some old issues to work out with your mother or your kids, you may be able to move forward in addressing them by apologizing or forgiving. When you apologize, you free yourself from shame or guilt and when you forgive, from dwelling on anger or resentment. Forgiveness doesn't necessarily excuse the action, but does free you from ruminating about it. It releases you from the past and becomes a gift you give to yourself.

Allow yourself to express the gratitude you feel having this family in your life. Enjoy your day and savor these moments. Reflect on the positive feelings you have from the past and cultivate rich memories now to sustain you in the future. And have a happy Mother's Day.

For a unique gift to your mom or your kids in honor of Mother's Day, why not arrange for them to have a copy of our new ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned? It's easy to do, just click on the link to the left.

Mother's Day: A Difficult Mom and Forgiveness

With Mother's Day right around the corner, make sure you get some of what you need. And that could include the gift of forgiveness. But first:

Be clear about what you're willing to do. Perhaps your mother is older and still has unreasonable expectations of you but doesn't value what you do for her. What you get in return may be criticism, arguments or tantrums. Try your best to stick to your rules by writing a list of what you will tolerate. And don’t assume that you have to do it all alone. Talk openly and honestly about how you feel and encourage other family members to pitch in and do their share. Maintain firm boundaries as you handle these challenges.

Refuse to respond to unrealistic demands - or even realistic ones that you can't meet because of how you feel or other commitments. You can create a more balanced sense of wellbeing by setting limits, especially if your mother is verbally abusive. You don't have to continue to identify with the role of the victim. Although you may not be able to change what happens to you, you can change how you handle it. Consider the possibility of seeing a therapist or coach. Learning how to self soothe and manage your moods will help you feel more in control of your life.

As you continue to work on getting what you need and want, think about the possibility of offering forgiveness. Granted, your mom may have been incredibly damaging, making it difficult to accept yourself or trust others. But know that forgiving your mother for who she is and what she did to you doesn't necessarily excuse her actions. And starting to extinguish the feelings of rejection and resentment can mark a new beginning for you – a Mother's day gift that you give yourself, freeing you from the past.

For more support in starting this process, look to the left of this post and join the email list - you can download our complimentary ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned and free newsletter, Stepping Stones.

And don't forget to log on here tomorrow for our monthly Virtual Book Tour with Gary Zukav, author of the #1 New York Times best seller, The Seat of the Soul. Gary will be doing a Q&A about Spiritual Partnership: The Journey to Authentic Power. You'll be able to ask Gary questions by clicking on "Comments" at the bottom of the post.

Sandwiched Boomers, Support and Resilience

With the challenges she's facing, Elizabeth Edwards has got to be struggling on many levels. Studies indicate that support and resilience are significant factors related to stress reduction. As sandwiched boomers, with parents and children looking to you for guidance, you're likely no stranger to stress. Here are tips that may help you bounce back:

It's important to keep communication open and honest. You may not want to face what’s going on directly, hoping that everything will be OK. But this way of coping can look to others like you’re not interested. Try to talk things over before anyone in the family begins to feel upset, misunderstood or angry. Practice the conversational etiquette and active listening skills that you know well.

If you have negative feelings, consider whether you’re overly sensitive or easy to anger - and what that may be about. Express yourself and then let go of any resentment. Learn to forgive and to apologize for any mistakes you’ve made. Holding on just makes it worse for everyone involved.

Suleman Preparing Octuplets to Leave Hospital

It seems as if the first of Nadya Suleman's octuplets will soon be discharged from the hospital. This is when she needs to hone her de-stressing skills. As Sandwiched Boomers, your plate must be full as well. Click on the title of this post to read an article on Nourishing the Sandwich that is You. And what follows are some tips that will help you cope:

Honor your body by understanding what makes you feel better, both physically and emotionally. Pay attention to your exercise routine, what you eat, your sleeping habits and what gives you pleasure. Reduce the situations that cause stress and increase the ones that make you feel more relaxed or alive.

Forgive others who are important to you for some past wrongdoing. Watch their reaction and see how that makes you feel. That doesn’t mean you have to totally forget about it. If you had a dysfunctional upbringing, try to understand the problems it is causing you now. Learn a lesson from the situation and move on, especially for your own good.

Practice what you know about resiliency. Recognize how your character strengths support what you do. Integrate your core values and personal ideals into how you view the world. Notice the effect your attitudes and behavior have on other people in your life. Release tension through laughter and watch yourself begin to bounce back.

As members of the Sandwich Generation, are you ready to be there for your family and take care of yourself this Thanksgiving day?

If you get annoyed, go for the high ground and walk away. There's a greater possibility of conflict with a family member who is unreasonable. Despite how hard it is, don't take the bait

With a relationship that matters, bury the hatchet. If in the past you have gone underground and then blown up later, don't let these feelings fester. Acknowledge the part you play and deal with it now.

Forgiveness is a gift. Whether family members are with you in person or in your memories, practice the power of letting go of childhood pain.

Let others know what they mean to you. Talk to your partner, children and parents about how good it is to have them in your life. Focus on the positives and share what you love about them.

We have great memories of the time we've spent with you the past few years. And we're grateful to have you as a part of our blogging community. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Look outward as well as inward to find the strength you need as a Sandwiched Boomer to carry on through these difficult times.

Support is a valuable tool - connect often. Find a class or workshop through your local university extension program or mental health center. Join an ongoing group or attend a weekend retreat to share concerns and gain new perspective. Spend some time with others who will support your ideas, validate your perceptions and help you follow through with your plans.

Forgive others who are important to you for some past wrongdoing. Watch their reaction and see how that makes you feel. That doesn’t mean you have to totally forget about it. But learn a lesson from the situation and move on, especially for your own good.

Your relationship with your mom is likely to be complex and full of twists and turns, evolving over the years as you change. One Sandwiched Boomer ruminates about how she transformed her connections with her mother.

When Agnes was a teenager, she felt that her strong mother was trying to control her. She looked forward to getting out from under her thumb and moved across the country when she married and raised her own family. They maintained their connections but at a distance.

As her children matured, so did Agnes. She began to see her mom as a person, not just as her Mother. Agnes recognized that she admired and respected many of her mother’s characteristics - her sense of responsibility, her independence, her humor, her common sense. Warily, Agnes began to approach her mother more and more as an individual. As she did, she was able to reach out to her and forgive her mother for the way she had treated her before.

Asked about her aging mom's final years, Agnes related, "After she had a stroke, I moved her into our home. She lived with our family until she died. It was hard on everyone but we all became closer and I began to understand her even better. I wouldn't trade that year for anything."

As you in the Sandwiched Generation continue to build bonds with your mother, savor these moments. Reflect on your feelings from the past and cultivate rich memories now to sustain you in the future.

We have been talking about Mother's Day all week and now here are some more suggestions for you Sandwiched Boomers as you continue to deal with the complicated relationship with your aging mother.

The old fashioned art of letter writing can help you develop a closer bond with your mom, even after all these years. Write her a letter about how grateful you feel to have her as your mother. Sharing these feelings increases good memories about the past and leads to greater personal satisfaction for both of you.

If you have some old, unpleasant issues to work out with your mother, you may be able to move forward in addressing them by writing her an apology letter or a letter offering forgiveness. When you apologize, you free yourself from shame or guilt and your mother from dwelling on anger or resentment.

When you forgive your mother for some past transgression, it doesn't necessarily excuse the action, but does free you from ruminating about it. Forgiveness releases you from the past; it is a gift that you give to yourself.

Tomorrow, we'll share a story with you about how one woman in the Sandwiched Generation grew and forged a new bond with her older mother. You can think about it as you write your own story.

There's a lot riding on family time during the holidays and this can create stress for Sandwiched Boomers. There's the challenge of trying to accommodate so many others' needs and still not compromise your own. Of course, there are the ghosts of holidays past, coupled with the expectations of today - sometimes unrealistic and often unfulfilled. Try the following tips:

1. If you get into a conflict with a family member who is unreasonable, don't take the bait. Despite how hard it may be, go for the higher ground and walk away.

2. With a relationship that matters to you, take the time to bury the hatchet. If in the past you have gone underground and then blown up later, don't let these feelings fester. Acknowledge the part that you play in the conflict and deal with it now, once and for all.

3. Whether family members are with you in person or in your memories, learn the power of letting go of childhood pain and longings. Forgiveness becomes a gift for both of you.

4. Recall what you love about your family and let them know how grateful you are to have them in your life. Point out their positives qualities rather than focusing on the negatives.

Perhaps you don't have many models for repairing the family and may have to make it up as you go along. Trust yourself in the process - often the messiness of emotions leads to understanding yourself and others better. Conflict can serve as an invitation to grow when you honor the importance of relationships. A lot of people feel that, with family, there are no returns or exchanges even with a gift receipt. So embrace the holiday season and rejoice in the love, support and connection of your family relationships.