Helping Kids Feel Secure

The summer got away from us – one morning our grandsons were pitching sand balls into the lake, the next afternoon they were preparing their backpacks for school. Whereas Monday’s blog post focused on kids’ stress that comes from media coverage of trauma, there are lots of other situations that can make kids feel anxious – like the first day of school.

Kids respond differently and the impact of any stressor depends on their personality, maturity, and coping mechanisms. Some have trouble explaining how they feel so it’s not always obvious, although tears, withdrawal or irritability are often clues. The behavior of others might not change yet they feel nervous or scared. And stress can affect physical wellbeing, with exacerbation of asthma, stomachaches or sleep disturbances.

What can you do to help?

Often the best predictor of how children manage is how well their parents cope with stress. They are often sensitive and struggle to understand their reactions. They may feel uncomfortable or embarrassed, too big to admit they’re worried. Encourage them to talk about how they feel and not keep bad thoughts inside.

Their relationships matter. They feel better about themselves when they are getting along well with you. And kids who do not have close friendships are at higher risk for developing stress-related problems. No matter how busy their schedule, kids of all ages need time to play with others and relax. Play helps them learn about their world, explore ideas and soothe themselves.

Kids need support, but also space to work things out. You can’t walk a tightrope for them. Sometimes they need to fall, feel disappointment, and learn from their mistakes. Parents have to acknowledge their own anxiety and find the courage to step back. Remember that they thrive best in an environment that is reliable, consistent, and non-interfering. Their job is to grow, yours is to control worry so that it doesn't get in the way as they move toward autonomy.

Kids need support, but also space to work things ourow, yours is to control worry so that it doesn't get in the way as they move toward autonomy.y.y move toward autonomy.

Friendships Over the Years

The end of summer, with its back-to-school activities, has me thinking about my own years in school and what these memories mean to me now. Last spring we had our 50th high school reunion and ever since, group emails have been flying back and forth every day. Reconnecting has been like uncovering an old scrapbook - even with whiffs of mildew, it's a real treasure trove of memories.

With all the chaotic financial news, it's nice to be able to reminisce about simpler, more innocent times. Have you noticed how the flavor of your own reunions changed over the years? While the early ones were mostly about individuality - your accomplishments and how thin you looked - the 50th was all about the group - our connections and shared memories.

All our reflective emails have been like tuning in to the oldies but goodies radio stations - a real blast. Although many of us hadn't spoken to each other in 50 years, it's been amazing how quickly old relationships have been renewed. Conversations spontaneously spring up and no one has missed a beat. The older we get, the more we enjoy looking back - way back. When we're not going over what happened in high school, we're backing up all the way to grade school.

What most of us recognize from our reunion aftermath has been the most significant life lesson of all - about importance of enduring friendships. Not only do they create nostalgia for simpler days when we were young, naive and carefree, but more important they bring meaning and sense of belonging to us.

We've made full lives for ourselves in the 50 years after high school but nothing can take away the warm feelings about the times we all spent together. The links that were forged then grew as we did, without us even being aware of the foundation they created. We could begin to define who we were then because we felt secure with and grounded by each other.

As one of my old friends put it in a recent email, Dear New/Old/Very Special Friends, The afterglow continues. It has been such joy to receive all these heartfelt messages. I have been mulling over all the information, the remembrances and stories, trying to understand why this reuniting of friends and classmates has such significance to many of us. I think we see ourselves as we were through the eyes of those we knew when we did not often know how to verbally define ourselves. We have all lived our lives apart but we are bringing forth the essence of ourselves as we knew each other in our formative years. It is so interesting, at this point, to tell our stories, stories we couldn't articulate when we were young as well as the stories that we have developed over the last 50 years.

We missed the sharing of so many truly world shaping events, socially and politically, and we are interested in knowing how the others viewed these events. We started out together, we parted, we want to review all those years in between. It is fascinating, it is fun, it is touching. We are now seeing who has developed or retained a nostalgic sensibility. Thank you, email, for making this reconnecting possible. Thank you, high school, for making us all learn to type so we can now use our previously unused secretarial skills to free associate with one another. All those enticing but unfinished conversations at the reunion shall continue!

How about you? Has your reunion letter or email come to reawaken your memories of distant days? If you've already had an important reunion, you can share your experiences with us here through "comments" below.

And for a glimpse into one woman's unusual story, please join us on Wednesday, August 24, 2011, when Maureen Hancock visits our blog for a Virtual Book Tour. Her memoir, The Medium Next Door: Adventures of a Real-Life Ghost Whisperer follows her experiences as she strives to balance raising her children and speaking with the deceased.

Labor Day and the End of Summer

Labor Day has been celebrated in the U.S. on the first Monday in September for over 125 years. While it began in recognition of workers in labor unions, most people today consider today as the symbolic end to summer and the beginning of the school year. For many women, both work and children going back to school are significant issues that come together this Labor Day.

Today, 60% of women work outside the home, that figure rising to over 75% among women ages 25 to 44, the average child-bearing years. Most of these women are employed by others yet over 9 million own their own businesses. Women who have returned to work after having children often say that their greatest difficulty is finding the time to do everything else they need to do during non-business hours. At the same time, they believe that the perspective they gain from having a family and setting priorities makes the stressful issues at work easier to manage. On our website, Her Mentor Center, you'll find practical ideas about grappling with tough times and gaining greater resiliency yourself.

So enjoy the holiday and your day off - let someone else man the barbeque - and check back in later this week for some tips to help you handle the challenges of your job while you are balancing it with your roles as partner and mother.