Pledge to End Bullying Now

The emotionally charged issue of childhood bullying is back in the forefront of public attention after the opening of the documentary, Bully, earlier this month. According to the Department for Health and Human Services, between1/5 and 1/3 of teens report being bullied within any given year. While kids may often be aggressive to one another, to qualify as bullying, this behavior requires specific qualities: it is repetitive and uses an imbalance of power with intent to cause harm.

Some parents of children being bullied may feel powerless to stop the harassment and protect their children, despite their best efforts. After the suicide of their 11-year old son, Kirk and Laura Smalley were able to move beyond their deep pain and create something positive honoring Ty’s memory. They began lecturing about the problem and created a website, Stand for the Silent. It encourages others to get involved and prevent further persecutions by being supportive of the intimidated kids, empowering youth to create cultures of kindness and stand up to bullying.

Parents can help promote upstander – rather than bystander – behavior in their own children by role modeling empathic behavior toward others. Here are some steps you can take to help create a safe environment, a Just and Caring Community, for all kids:

Talk openly. And often. Use the good communication techniques you’ve learned over the years – using active listening, sending i-messages, attending to non-verbal signals, keeping your emotions in check. Encouraging honest conversations with your children teaches them to trust themselves in expressing their thoughts and feelings to others. 

Show kindness and empathy. Nurture positive relationships around you and express your gratitude for them. Lead in helping your child find healthy, non-abusive ways to resolve conflicts. Reinforce the family rules, including those that don’t tolerate behavior that is harmful to another.

Respect diversity. Broaden your own circle to include more of the rich cultural tapestry of your community. Encourage your children to accept and learn about others who are different from them.

Care for others. Reach out to help and support those who need comfort. Give back as you build an atmosphere of responsibility and compassion in your home that can extend into your child’s world at school and beyond.

Act to protect those in danger. Get involved yourself in causes you believe in and let your children know that actions can generate effective outcomes. Reinforce your teen’s commitment to create a safe school environment and take actions to defend a victim of bullying.

Bully has now been viewed by thousands of children and families across the country. The film may be uncomfortable to watch but the experience powerfully challenges all of us to work together to stop bullying.

Bully

When the documentary Bully opened this month in theaters all over the U. S., it revived the national dialogue about childhood bullying. The film follows three students and their families over the course of one school year and two families whose children took their own lives in desperation. The filmmakers have created TheBullyProject website which provides resources and motivates us all – parents, children, families, educators – to act towards eliminating bullying.

Bullying is pervasive in our society today – research indicates that one in three children have been involved in an incident, either as perpetrator or victim. It’s been estimated that 13 million children in the U.S. are bullied each year, with 3 million being absent from school each month because they feel threatened there. Children with special needs are especially vulnerable – they’re 60% more likely to be attacked by bullies. If your child or someone you know is being tormented, you can reach the bullying helpline, 24/7, at 1-855-201-2121 for help and support.

Here are some actions you can take as a parent if you fear your child is being bullied:

Prepare yourself. Slow down and be ready to have a private conversation when you don’t have any major distractions. Sometimes a familiar setting can include a minor diversion to help your child become more comfortable sharing – in your car, when you’re playing catch, working on a puzzle, completing a chore together.

Talk with your child. Create an atmosphere of trust by using your active listening skills. When you’re speaking, ask open-ended questions in a non-judgmental, non-threatening way. Don’t interrupt his responses. Try to keep your emotions in check and be clear in the message you are conveying. Be available and let your child know that his feelings and thoughts are important to you.

Pay attention to non-verbal communication. It may be difficult for your youngster to open up and verbalize facts and feelings so notice her body language. And express your own support with physical closeness and comforting hugs as well as your words. You may not learn all the facts at one time so be patient and come back to the issues later.

Be positive. Let your child know that you are on his side, it’s not his fault and he doesn’t deserve to be bullied. Role model your own constructive behavior and good communication skills at home. Arrange for her to spend time with friends in a safe environment outside of school so that she can develop personal strengths. Discourage them from bullying others in response.

Contact your child’s school. Once you have a clear understanding of what’s been going on, write it down so that you have a straightforward narrative about the problem. Identify the appropriate people in your child’s school to contact and communicate your concerns to them. If your school has an anti-bullying policy in place, follow the procedures outlined there. The administrators have a responsibility to eliminate harassment, protect your child from harm and create a positive environment for learning.

On Wednesday, we’ll continue the discussion of bullying and give you some suggestions for preventing your own children from harassing others and for encouraging them to stick up for a threatened friend.

The Sandwich Generation and Finding Perspective

We heard from a reader yesterday, "I've been together with my husband for 30 years, am the mother of a teen-age daughter, and we are dealing with elderly parents...so there is much I can relate to! Fortunately, so far, going through various hardships (death of a parent, serious illness) has made us feel closer as we deal with these trials together. Though not to say that there aren't times that we feel stressed and overwhelmed!"

Finding perspective is a valuable strategy when you are dealing with family transitions. It helps to take a step back and see the present situation from a different angle. As high expectations are often difficult to meet, be realistic and, like our reader, you and your relationship can grow from the challenges.

For some couples in the Sandwich Generation, the impetus to examine their relationship comes from different energies that each wants to invest in family and career. Don is torn between his own needs and those of his wife: "We're at different junctures right now. My wife worked part-time in nursing when our children were young. Over the past few years she has discovered a passion for business and has developed her own medical registry. The problem for me is, now that she is immersed in her work, I want to cut back and spend more time together. I'm not sure how we can find a balance."

If there is mutual trust in your relationship, both of you can enjoy the freedom of exploring new options and goals. With her husband’s support, Rhonda, for the first time in 22 years, has achieved space within the marriage. “I have arrived at this crossroad with more confidence and trust in my personal choices. I just hope that my being stronger will not weaken our marriage.”

Are you working on finding balance between nurturing your marriage and still taking care of yourself? Click on the title above if you want to read more about this topic from a male perspective. Then start a conversation with your husband. You may be surprised by what you learn about each other.

Just like the family car, no relationship runs smoothly all the time. More important than keeping a lid on emotions is learning how to deal with disagreements once they do surface. Here are some more tips for you Sandwiched Boomers as you tune up your marital relationship.

Deal with anger. Once you have expressed negative feelings, find a way to let go of the hostility. Resist holding on to resentment and avoid the emotional baggage of planning retribution. Learn to forgive your partner and to apologize for your own mistakes.

Build basic trust and loyalty. If you are devoted to one another and to your marriage, your behavior will reflect this deep commitment. Knowing that you are dedicated to the needs of each other gives you both the confidence to pursue your own goals out in the world.

The media spotlight today is on Eliot Spitzer, the Govenor of New York, and his link to the Emperor's Club VIP prostitution ring. Whether his damaging behavior is related to a sense of entitlement, the dark side of his virtuous attitude, high testosterone or feeling he's above the law, seeing the pained look on Silda Spitzer's face and knowing that he has 3 teenage daughters makes you wonder.

His is a classic and most dramatic example of the disruption of equilibrium that can occur in long-term relationships. Reading the examples below, do you recognize any of these changes in your own marriage? Look carefully at the emotions that surface when you step into new roles and give up the ones that have defined you in the past.

If either of you has made bad choices, like deciding independently about joint finances or being unfaithful, the emotional damage can endanger the future of the relationship. When trust is broken, there is a buildup of frustration, anger, or disappointment, even despair as you make efforts to adapt to the new reality.

Time itself can erode your marriage if quality time together has been put on hold while raising your family. Now, without the buffer of children, it may be apparent how much you've changed and how far apart you’ve grown. Could you instead begin to anticipate getting to know each other again and creating an improved future together?

Are you experiencing angst about your relationship or actively searching for some deeper meaning in your life situation? As you redefine your self and partnership, it can lead to your gradually feeling more powerful. By becoming at ease with who you are, you will go from being afraid of your future to feeling excited about what’s ahead.

What's the old saying - if you don't know where you are, you don't know where you're going? Being comfortable in your relationship feels awfully good - but functioning on automatic pilot can get you into trouble. For some couples in the Sandwich Generation, the impetus to examine their partnership comes from the different energies that each wants to invest in family, career or leisure.

Don is torn between his own needs and those of his wife: "We're at different junctures right now.She worked part-time in nursing when our children were young. Over the years she has discovered a passion for business and recently started her own medical registry. The problem for me is, now that she's so immersed in her work, I want to cut back and spend more time together. I'm not sure how we can find a balance."

If there is mutual trust in your relationship, both of you can enjoy the freedom of exploring new options and goals. With her husband’s support, Rhonda, for the first time in 22 years, has achieved space within the marriage. "I have arrived at this crossroad with more confidence and trust in my personal choices. I just hope that my being stronger will not weaken our marriage.”

Think about where your marriage weighs in on the scale of transitions. Over the next couple of days we'll be looking at the various mid-life changes that can destabilize or re-energize a relationship.