How Kids Respond to Trauma

I am just back from a family vacation--three generations, five grandsons ages 6-11. I had a front row seat watching the boys compete in sports, sing rap songs, climb mountains, tease each other. No little guys anymore. With the older ones almost as tall as I am, and knowing the vulnerability that comes with adolescence, I have concerns. How do we keep growing kids emotionally safe as they become interested in the world around them--especially when the news reports regularly cover mass murders, war casualties, and terror alerts?

Studies show that close to 4% of teenage boys and more than 6% of teenage girls suffer from post-traumatic stress, exhibiting symptoms similar to adults. And the reactions of younger children are strongly affected by their parents’ response to stress. Those ages 5-12 are more likely to withdraw, become disruptive, have nightmares or complain of physical problems.

You don’t have to personally experience abuse, neglect or trauma to feel anxiety and stress. Second-hand exposure to major acts of violence can also be traumatic. This includes seeing or hearing about death and destruction after a building is bombed or a plane crashes. With the impact of mass media and easy access to the Internet, children today are exposed to lots of situations that can cause them to worry. And when your conversations focus on suffering or tragedy, you can bet that your kids are often listening more closely than you think.

You know what your family needs and how to provide a sense of security.

Explain that scared, angry or sad feelings are normal and will fade when they ask questions and talk about what’s going on. As you supervise the flow of information, encourage them to tell you what their friends are saying, so you can clarify any distortions. Reassure them that they’re safe no matter what thoughts they’re having. All this will help them reframe their ideas rather than fall prey to emotion.

Readers, tell us about how you teach your kids to keep the harmful effects of stress at a minimum. And log on again Wednesday for more ideas about helping kids take precautions and feel safe while still not letting fear win.

Teen Daughters and Conversion Disorders

Are your daughters feeling the pressures of adolescence? Parents at Le Roy Junior-Senior High School in upstate New York are still concerned, months later, as their teens continue to experience verbal outbursts, involuntary movements and tics. Although Sigmund Freud first described this combination of symptoms as Mass Hysteria, the difficult to diagnose condition is now known as Conversion Disorder.

It’s a rare condition with both psychological and neurological factors. These young women are left frustrated, behind in school and socially isolated. Not able to live a normal life, families want answers for these psychologically triggered yet real sensory and motor symptoms.

After an investigation and a battery of health, soil and environmental tests, the Le Roy administration and state health officials report no known environmental or infectious cause. Some speculate that, in essence, the brain makes the body sick. And there may be a combination of underlying causes: a history of trauma or abuse, pre-existing anxiety or stress, a personality that is highly suggestible.

In this situation, a high school cheerleader woke up from a nap one day with uncontrollable tics and stuttering. Known as the bellwether, a key group member can exhibit behavior that deviates from the norm, and then others develop similar symptoms. It’s not unlike other adolescent reactions, even bullying or suicide. The group's social status and close proximity, as well as the teenager’s need for acceptance and belonging, may foster unusual and dangerous conformity.

If you’re parenting teens, you’re probably not dealing with something as serious as conversion disorder. But adolescence is a developmental phase that’s full of potential pitfalls and no one gets through unscathed. Increased awareness and support can help your kids - these practical insights may be a good place to start:

Remember what it was like for you growing up. What did you do to bond with and feel accepted by the group? And how did you respond to peer pressure? Share your experiences with your kids and give them emotional support as they learn to manage their teen relationships.

Don't hide your concern. You really can't anyway. Your growing kids pick up signals from you even when you think you're protecting them. At the same time, don't burden them with pressures beyond their ability to handle them.

Keep the lines of communication open. Discuss what they're worried about, as you come face to face with your own fears. The more you are able to discuss the strains affecting all of you, the better you can begin to cope with them.

Helicopter Parents Following Kids to College

Precisely who are these Helicopter Parents? They're the ones who pay such close attention to their children's experiences and problems that it's smothering. And when these over-protecting parents are fearful or worried and restrictive, their kids often become too dependent and doubt themselves. Over time, they don't have the life skills to assess risks, make decisions and take care of themselves.

And what about the parents, themselves? This Washington Post article, written by sociology professor Dr. Margaret Nelson, is called Helicopter Moms Heading for a Crash. She says this parenting style, which she calls "highly personalized care," is extremely time consuming and emotionally demanding, sometimes at the expense of the rest of a busy mom's life.

Such over-parenting can produce children who experience a delayed adolescence and, when the time comes, are not ready to leave home. This can be particularly apparent during the transition from home to college life. Some professors and administrators describe parents' attempts to smooth out obstacles, to the extent that they play an active part in choice of college, roommate and classes.

You may want to look around CollegeConfidential.com, a site that offers all kinds of information and support related to college. The forums for parents contain extensive discussions about the pros and cons of parental involvement in this process.

Of course, we've all had situations where giving up control was an issue, and there can be a multitude of reasons - because protecting our kids becomes automatic over time, we think we know what's best for them, it's not easy to let go of old familiar roles. So if you find yourself hovering, not sure where to draw the line, some of these tips may help you back off:

Being too directive fosters reliance. You may want to be involved with their class assignments, extra curricular activities or job searches. But this is the time when developing decision-making skills is paramount to a strong sense of self.

As they make more of their own decisions, let them deal with the consequences. Be supportive as they negotiate roommate disputes and dating dilemmas. Learning how to cooperate, compromise and accept disappointment are all part of the college experience.

Technology makes it too easy to stay connected. If it feels satisfying to both of you, establish a middle ground. Let them know that you’re there if they really need you but don’t enable their dependency.

Be sure that parents' weekend is on your agenda. During these activities, you'll be able to commiserate with other parents who understand how you're feeling. And meeting with the teachers and administrators is the best way to find out what's going on.

Discover what you feel passionate about. Follow your dream of changing jobs, going to school or volunteering. Join a hiking group or exercise class. Take up bridge or yoga. Now is the time to put you front and center for a change.

There are always two sides to every story. Here's an article from the new NBC website, FamilyGoesStrong.com, that speaks to the need for greater family support in tough economic times. So many adult children have college loans to repay or can't get a job and, according to recent statistics, more of them are moving home than leaving.

Apparently the 20s are the new adolescence and adult children are marrying later. The Today Show interviewed mom, Geri Brin, and her 31 year old son, Colby. She wants to play cupid and is taking a more active role in partner selection - and it's OK with him. She has added a dating component to her website, FabOverFifty. Although some may see that as meddling, Geri says she's just casting a wider net.

We've had a lot of fun this week, exploring separation and individuation within the family. Now it's your turn. Let us hear your thoughts, from helicopter parenting to free range kids and beyond - we know you're out there!

Helicopter Parents and Teen Self Esteem Month

Did you know that May is National Teen Self Esteem Month? And that a negative self image can affect learning and social skills as well as lead to delinquency, eating disorders and substance abuse? Some experts believe there's a correlation between how much and what kind of control parents exert and how their children experience themselves.

Growing up, perhaps your parents kept such a close watch over you that it felt suffocating. Have you ever thought, now that you're the parent of teens, that you're doing the same thing? As parents, it's perfectly normal to want to advocate for and protect your child. But what is too much?

The term Helicopter Parent refers to those who hover, are overly involved and rarely out of reach. Do you regularly rush to school with forgotten lunch money or speak to teachers about missing assignments? Instead of a sense of entitlement, perhaps it's time to instill a sense of personal responsibility.

Adolescence, with its hormonal changes and peer pressure, can be a challenging stage of development. You may feel ambivalent about backing off, especially if your kids are stressed out or emotionally fragile. But learning to let go is really in the best interests of everyone.

To learn more, wikipedia.com has references and the definition of helicopter parenting. And we'll be sharing our own practical tips with you the rest of this week. If you're ready to get started, sign our email list to the left of this post and download a free ebook - reading it may help you find the courage to take the first step!