Humor Wins the Day

Do you sometimes feel like the proverbial tree falling in the forest? When your teens don't seem to hear you speak, you may wonder if you're actually making a sound. If you're frustrated - like this mother - by your attempts to communicate with your kids, maybe it's time to try some humor.

It's not easy being a parent today. There's a fine line between protecting our children from very real dangers facing them - drugs, bullying, sexting, online predators - and overly controlling them through helicopter parenting.

When you set clear boundaries and expectations about issues you consider non-negotiable, like their safety, you can work with your teens to get their cooperation on others without resorting to these kinds of threats. Inject some humor into your conversations and see if you can recover some of those good feelings and belly laughs from the past.

Parents Weigh in on Tiger Moms

Amy Chua's book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother continues to make waves among women and parenting experts. It's gotten everyone talking about how to raise children today, in the midst of all the distraction out there. As mothers, we all want the best for our kids, but what does that really mean? The best at academics, the best at music, the best at sports, the best at relationships, the best at self-esteem, the best at balance?

Here on our blog, the comments we've gotten from you so far are overwhelmingly in favor of Western Moms over Tiger Mothers, but with the recognition that children do need rules and boundaries. And that, as parents, we need to acknowledge a healthy respect for the individuality of each child in helping them develop into successful adults.

Most of the media have come down on the side of western parenting, as well. Janet Maslin has written a scathing review in the New York Times book section, describing Ms. Chau as a narcissist who "never fails to make herself its center of attention" rather than on focusing on what is best for her daughters.

Ms. Chau believes that being a Tiger Mother encourages self-esteem in her children because they truly excel in particular activities. But some parenting experts note that overly controlling the choices teens can make may instead foster a negative self-image.

Parenting is never easy and there's lots of input available from developmental professionals. Clinical Psychologist Wendy Mogel advises parents to set standards and role model their values but then allow their teens the freedom to make their own decisions - and face the consequences of their actions. She calls it "compassionate detachment" and believes it helps build strength and resiliency in teens.

We've looked at different kinds of parenting styles here on our blog before. When Lenore Skenazy shocked overly protective helicopter moms with her book about how she was raising her 9 year old son, Free Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry, we talked about letting your children make some of their own decisions. In another blog post, we suggested that you resist micromanaging your teens and encourage them to do more independent problem solving. As your kids mature and head for college, the message is to ease up on being too directive and instead let them learn from the consequences of their actions.

Of course, it's true that western children waste many hours on texting, video games and television - more than 4 hours a day, according to Nielsen figures. On one of our blog posts, we gave you some tips about how to get your kids unplugged and find creative outlets for them instead. Even though it can be frustrating to try to wean them away from electronics, setting family rules about what is and is not acceptable is easier when your include your children in the planning process.

Of course you know well that parenting is messy and complicated, with you "ad-libbing" some of the time. You need to dig deep to understand your children's strengths and weaknesses - as well as your own - in creating your personal style. And recognize that it will develop as your kids grow and change. But when you give your children the room to rely on themselves and build independent problem solving skills, you are teaching them about how to succeed in life, as well as in school.

So what are your thoughts about all of this? Let's keep the conversation going. Just click on the "comments" button and share your experiences with all of us.

Helicopter Parents Following Kids to College

Precisely who are these Helicopter Parents? They're the ones who pay such close attention to their children's experiences and problems that it's smothering. And when these over-protecting parents are fearful or worried and restrictive, their kids often become too dependent and doubt themselves. Over time, they don't have the life skills to assess risks, make decisions and take care of themselves.

And what about the parents, themselves? This Washington Post article, written by sociology professor Dr. Margaret Nelson, is called Helicopter Moms Heading for a Crash. She says this parenting style, which she calls "highly personalized care," is extremely time consuming and emotionally demanding, sometimes at the expense of the rest of a busy mom's life.

Such over-parenting can produce children who experience a delayed adolescence and, when the time comes, are not ready to leave home. This can be particularly apparent during the transition from home to college life. Some professors and administrators describe parents' attempts to smooth out obstacles, to the extent that they play an active part in choice of college, roommate and classes.

You may want to look around CollegeConfidential.com, a site that offers all kinds of information and support related to college. The forums for parents contain extensive discussions about the pros and cons of parental involvement in this process.

Of course, we've all had situations where giving up control was an issue, and there can be a multitude of reasons - because protecting our kids becomes automatic over time, we think we know what's best for them, it's not easy to let go of old familiar roles. So if you find yourself hovering, not sure where to draw the line, some of these tips may help you back off:

Being too directive fosters reliance. You may want to be involved with their class assignments, extra curricular activities or job searches. But this is the time when developing decision-making skills is paramount to a strong sense of self.

As they make more of their own decisions, let them deal with the consequences. Be supportive as they negotiate roommate disputes and dating dilemmas. Learning how to cooperate, compromise and accept disappointment are all part of the college experience.

Technology makes it too easy to stay connected. If it feels satisfying to both of you, establish a middle ground. Let them know that you’re there if they really need you but don’t enable their dependency.

Be sure that parents' weekend is on your agenda. During these activities, you'll be able to commiserate with other parents who understand how you're feeling. And meeting with the teachers and administrators is the best way to find out what's going on.

Discover what you feel passionate about. Follow your dream of changing jobs, going to school or volunteering. Join a hiking group or exercise class. Take up bridge or yoga. Now is the time to put you front and center for a change.

There are always two sides to every story. Here's an article from the new NBC website, FamilyGoesStrong.com, that speaks to the need for greater family support in tough economic times. So many adult children have college loans to repay or can't get a job and, according to recent statistics, more of them are moving home than leaving.

Apparently the 20s are the new adolescence and adult children are marrying later. The Today Show interviewed mom, Geri Brin, and her 31 year old son, Colby. She wants to play cupid and is taking a more active role in partner selection - and it's OK with him. She has added a dating component to her website, FabOverFifty. Although some may see that as meddling, Geri says she's just casting a wider net.

We've had a lot of fun this week, exploring separation and individuation within the family. Now it's your turn. Let us hear your thoughts, from helicopter parenting to free range kids and beyond - we know you're out there!

Helicopter Parents: Give Your Kids the Gift of Independence

Do you recognize yourself – hovering over your kids' lives, kind of on the fringe and not really letting them figure it out on their own? The best thing you can do is give them more responsibility and have them handle their own issues without stepping in. Try to let go a little at a time.

Minimize financial assistance. Sure, you need to be responsible for the basic necessities. But give your children a weekly allowance and, beginning in high school, encourage them to get part-time jobs. They need to know how to budget their money. Your ultimate goal is to prepare them to live on their own. If they can't manage, boomeranging back may become the only option and everyone pays a price.

Empathize without actually solving their problems. Ask what they think they should do about any situation. Brainstorm about the possible solutions. And, in the end, encourage them to decide what's right for them.

Don’t enable their dependency. Technology makes it too easy to stay connected. Tell your kids you'll be there when they need you, if being in touch regularly is satisfying to both of you. But establish a middle ground and put some limits on the contact.

We know that watching them grow up brings mixed emotions. As you face the challenges that come with letting go, you may find that it's harder than you imagined. But do mark that fine line between support and intrusion. Because, as your children go off on their own, don't you want them to be independent, ready to form healthy relationships and get the dream job? The same as your parents wanted for you.

Want a comprehensive report on Helicopter Parents? Read a feature article on Time.com about The Growing Backlash Against Overparenting. Then sign our email list to the left of this post and download a complimentary ebook with practical tips to help you let go.

Practical Strategies for Helicopter Parents

Have you heard about the recently published book, The Idle Parent? Helicopter Parents is a hot topic right now. If you think you fit the profile, follow these tips as you shift responsibility from your shoulders to where it now belongs:

Take on a supportive role as you encourage your children to make their own decisions and deal with the natural consequences. Give fewer directions while they're learning important new problem solving skills. Although they will be faced with many choices, experience is a great teacher.

Resist taking on chores that now should fall to your kids. As much as these may have been a part of your job description for years, it’s now time to pass the baton. Think of it as boot camp. Soon enough they'll be off to college and, the more competent they are, the more confident they'll feel.

Focus on their positive qualities and think of reasons to support their evolving ideas. Sit back, relax and enjoy the fruits of your labor. Remember that their job right now is to learn how to be more independent and accountable for their own actions. And that includes working things out for themselves.

Give up old habits of micromanaging. You have to do it sooner or later. When you continue to worry or be upset about what's going on in their lives, you’re sending your children the message that you don’t trust they can handle situations on their own.

Want to learn more about backing off so your kids can develop the confidence they need? Browse the library at www.HerMentorCenter.com for a wide variety of articles about how to strengthen your family relationships.

Helicopter Parents and Teen Self Esteem Month

Did you know that May is National Teen Self Esteem Month? And that a negative self image can affect learning and social skills as well as lead to delinquency, eating disorders and substance abuse? Some experts believe there's a correlation between how much and what kind of control parents exert and how their children experience themselves.

Growing up, perhaps your parents kept such a close watch over you that it felt suffocating. Have you ever thought, now that you're the parent of teens, that you're doing the same thing? As parents, it's perfectly normal to want to advocate for and protect your child. But what is too much?

The term Helicopter Parent refers to those who hover, are overly involved and rarely out of reach. Do you regularly rush to school with forgotten lunch money or speak to teachers about missing assignments? Instead of a sense of entitlement, perhaps it's time to instill a sense of personal responsibility.

Adolescence, with its hormonal changes and peer pressure, can be a challenging stage of development. You may feel ambivalent about backing off, especially if your kids are stressed out or emotionally fragile. But learning to let go is really in the best interests of everyone.

To learn more, wikipedia.com has references and the definition of helicopter parenting. And we'll be sharing our own practical tips with you the rest of this week. If you're ready to get started, sign our email list to the left of this post and download a free ebook - reading it may help you find the courage to take the first step!

Is There Really an Empty Nest Syndrome?

There's a lot of controversy about whether or not the empty nest is, in fact, a syndrome. But for sure it's one of many life transitions that can be difficult to navigate.

Some parents are ambivalent and struggle with letting go emotionally. Even when your kids readily move into their independent lives away from home, you may still be concerned about how they're managing. The popular term, helicopter parents, is widely used in the mainstream media.

Do you rush in to protect, no matter how inconsequential the situation? Or sometimes feel like a helicopter hovering overhead, rarely out of reach, whether there's a distress signal or not? If this sounds familiar, your growing children may be missing out on the chance to learn from their own mistakes.

Yesterday we heard from one reader who has a practical and pragmatic attitude: "I have always worked and will continue to do so when my last kid leaves for college next fall. I have four gone now and when each one left home I felt some guilt about not having been around enough. But like so many families, that's what we had to do."

For Fern, it's now six months since her son left home and she's still struggling emotionally: For 12 years I raised him as a single mother and was always available. I didn’t care that my life revolved around him. Now he just wants to be with his friends and I’m left out. I know he should be on his own, but I don’t have anyone else and I feel so alone."

So there are different sides to the empty nest story. Click on the title of this post to read about how to lay low as helicopter parents. And if Fern's challenges sound at all like yours, log in the rest of the week for tips about managing the challenges of the empty nest.