Difficult Moms and Mother's Day

When we’re young, it’s mom who gratifies our needs and takes care of our hurts. But she is also the first one to impose control and set limits. As we grow, memories of this primary and most powerful relationship are imprinted deep in our psyche.

It’s through attachments that we eventually learn who we are and what we feel. Some moms don’t acknowledge their kids as independent and set up coercive relationships with conditions on love and approval. In all stages of life, children with difficult mothers struggle with self doubt and worry others will disapprove of them.

Even though the media leads us to believe that all mothers deserve flowers on Mother’s Day, not all moms are lovable. So how can you protect yourself from rejection and keep your self respect while trying to regulate closeness and distance? Here are some ideas that can help you take better care of yourself on Mother's Day and throughout the year:

Let go of the dream of having a loving mother. It's hard to face the fact that you don’t have a 'good enough' mother. Once and for all, step back and stand up for you. Now is the time to shift the focus away from her and begin to protect and nurture yourself.

Be clear about what you're willing to do. Does your mother still have unreasonable expectations? Instead of her valuing what you do, perhaps she criticizes or argues in return. Make a list of what you’ll tolerate and try to keep firm boundaries. And don’t assume that you have to do it all alone. Talk honestly about how you feel and encourage family members to do their share. Some adult children have to work it out by walking away.

Refuse to respond to unrealistic demands. You may have other commitments or not feel like it. You’ll see that you create more balance by setting limits. You don't have to continue identifying with the role of the victim. Think about seeing a therapist - learning how to soothe yourself and manage your moods will put you more in control of your life.

Log on Wednesday to learn more about how to shift the focus to you, beginning on Mother’s Day.

Yesterday we looked at the new kind of boomerang living arrangements created as a result of the current financial meltdown. Sandwiched Boomers - as well as the generations before and after them - are moving into these situations in record numbers. Many positive results can come out of shared housing if you plan ahead. Today we have some tips to help take the sting out:

Have a family meeting to set guidelines before you move in together. All of you need to be frank and honest about your needs. Each of you will be giving up some autonomy and control so you can expect to have some situations where push comes to shove. Each of you can present your positions for the best and worst case scenarios. Then decide how you want to compromise so that everyone gets some of what they want. Put any absolute deal breakers out on the table so that they can be discussed in detail.

Work out a schedule for shared responsibilities, chores, and finances. If there is to be a division of labor, gain consensus about making the various tasks equitable. When children/grandchildren are part of the mix, arrive at a clear timetable with regard to babysitting so that no one feels exploited.

Set boundaries so that everyone's privacy is respected. Living together with roommates in a college dorm is one thing but sharing space with family members can get awkward. Identify signals to use when one of you wants to be alone. The last time you all lived together, the circumstances were likely quite different. Old issues around power or dependency can resurface in this close environment, particularly when there may be a difference of opinion about how to handle issues with children.

And see the comment yesterday from Dina who adds, "Mediation between merging families can be invaluable. A mediator can assist families in teasing out those hidden issues and negotiating norms that respect everyone's needs."

Tomorrow we will have some more suggestions for getting the most out of your family togetherness.

This ends our posts of how you, as Sandwiched Boomers, can take care of yourself as you juggle family responsibilities:

1. Draw upon your strengths – both personal and spiritual – as you put one foot in front of the other and do what you have to do each day. You know best what sustains you in difficult times – love, duty, loyalty, faith, hope, compassion, bravery, forgiveness.

2. Create boundaries to protect yourself. Don't beat yourself up for the mistakes you make - learn from them. Rather than give up, allow yourself the opportunity to regroup and try something else. Keep in mind that you are human and not all knowing. You deserve another chance.

Remember that this stage of your life, as are all others, is a process of inevitable movement. One day your children will be grown and your parents will be gone. What you will have then are the memories you have collected today. Resolve to take care of yourself this New Year so that they will be ones you will cherish.