TomKat Has Split But You Can Stay Together

The statistics remain grim: one in every two marriages continue to end in divorce. The speculation is that knowing these figures, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes agreed to a very specific prenuptial agreement. Maybe that's why TomKat was able to come to a divorce agreement so quickly. But given that you likely had other things on your mind before the wedding, let's turn the tables on the celebrities and give our attention to preserving our own intimate relationships.

If you're a Sandwiched Boomer your energies may often be sapped by your responsibilities to career, growing kids and aging parents – so reconnecting with your partner may take second place. Here are some more tips to reaffirm that intimate relationship and make yourselves the stars of your own romantic comedy:

Talk. Often. And make it real communication as you open up and honestly share your needs and desires. Use your active listening skills and send I-messages without criticizing your partner. You'll be building a strong foundation of trust and caring as you do.

Be willing to apologize. When you've made an error, you don't have to be defensive about it. Take personal responsibility for your bad behavior and be genuine when you say, I'm sorry.

Work hard to forgive. Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes. Your partner may have done something that ended up hurting you without meaning to. When you let go of anger and resentment, it leads to a more positive attitude for both of you.

Fight fair. Provide a safe environment as you both avoid threatening behavior like name-calling and blaming your partner's character or personality. Be empathic and look at the issue from your partner's perspective. That makes it easier to cooperate, look for solutions and reconcile.

Resolve hot button issues or put them to rest. Use conflict resolution to reduce the stress between you so you can be more flexible and work towards a compromise. If necessary, allow yourselves to 'agree to disagree' on certain topics and then take them off the table.

Recall why you fell in love. Remember and focus on your partner's positive qualities. Compliment your partner freely and let him or her know how much you care. Bring back the romance in your relationship and create real intimacy.

When you invest in your partnership, your behavior will reflect this deep commitment. You'll make time for your relationship just as you would for any valuable asset. And you'll reap valuable dividends in well-being that won't be taxed no matter what changes occur in the codes.

What Lessons Can We Take from the TomKat Split?

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are back in the news – not for Tom's newest film or Katie's latest shopping spree or even the size of Suri's "high" heels, but because of their divorce proceedings. Will this become just more summer beach reading for the rest of us or can we put our own close relationships in the spotlight and work on improving them? While there's been intense speculation about what has actually gone on between the celebrity couple, we don't really need to know the reason for the breakup of their marriage to focus on improving our own loving partnerships.

With summer weddings and anniversaries coming up – mine is later this week! – here are some tips for strengthening your own intimate relationship:

Respect each other. While your views may be different, you don't have to agree with each other to value your partner's opinions. When you understand where he or she is coming from, you're more likely to appreciate their position. Even Democrat James Carville and Republican Mary Matalin, political consultants coming from beliefs 180 degrees apart, have been married for close to 20 years and are still going strong.

Make time for being together. Connect often for shared experiences and activities – going out for dinner, taking long walks through the neighborhood, attending a class in wine-tasting, couple's dancing or photography. Regularly set aside time for special activities together, either at home or away. Take turns planning a date night that will remind you both of why you fell in love.

Allow for your own space. Recognize that you don't have to share all of your interests and that you each have a right to pursue your own passions. Maintain your set of individual friends and activities - a writing workshop, a weekly sports game, volunteering at a soup kitchen, book club. Venturing out independently makes your reconnection all the more interesting and exciting. And if one of you is an introvert who feels energized by being alone, allow for that distancing time as well.

Have fun. Free yourselves to be playful and affectionate together. You'll notice that touch has healing qualities for both of you. As you engage with each other, the stress of the rest of the world fades into the background. Let yourselves be kids again and enjoy bringing spontaneity and laughter back into your relationship.

Resolve to incorporate these steps into your intimate relationship and look for more tips on Wednesday to help you avoid the pitfalls of the TomKat relationship.

Gray Divorce

Are you and your spouse still happy, sharing activities like exercising together? If so, you may not know about a new trend hitting baby boomers - Gray Divorce. In the past 20 years, the divorce rate for boomers has doubled even as the total divorce rate has been going down. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 2009 more than 25% of all divorces were among couples over 50.

AARP has identified that in 2/3 of these divorces, it is women who seek the split. Often their motivation is to enjoy the years ahead after children have been raised and left home. With the expectation of many extra years of an empty nest, these women choose to focus on satisfying their personal needs and goals rather than remaining in an unhappy marriage. In other cases, about ¼ of the time, a wife institutes the proceedings after an infidelity by her husband.

For over 50% of gray divorces today, this is not their first experience with a split. The risk of a second divorce is two times greater than for those still in their first marriage. And for a third marriage, the risk of a divorce is four times more likely. Other high-risk groups for gray divorce are African Americans and those with only a high school education. To avoid making the decision to divorce, marital therapists like Dr. John Gottman encourage midlife couples to respond to each other's attempts at reconnection.

While being alone is the greatest fear of boomers after a divorce, the vast majority rate themselves as happy. Still, there are some difficult consequences for wives and husbands: women tend to have greater financial difficulties while men generally have less contact with their children than before. Preparing for possible negative outcomes of a late in life divorce can help you cope with these unusual challenges.

For more insight about the issues in a second adulthood, join us on Wednesday when Susan Lieberman, Ph.D. answers our questions about her newest book, Getting Old is a Full Time Job: Moving on From a Life of Working Hard. Dr. Lieberman will introduce us to the 12 "jobs" she's identified that we need to complete as we move from work to "what's next." Be a part of the conversation with Susan here on Wednesday.