Caution, Curves Ahead

Last week, I was driving down one of the canyons in Los Angeles, quickly moving the steering wheel left and right as the road twisted and turned. It was like playing an arcade game, trying to keep your car on the virtual road, going as fast as you can. In those videos, the sharp curves keep switching and obstacles suddenly appear, causing you to crash and burn if you're not reacting fast enough.

It may be fun to play on a screen but what about when life itself mirrors this wild experience? If you find yourself in the midst of a constant stream of challenges, threatening to devastate you, you're probably looking for a way to tone down the level of your reactions and emotions. Here are two ways to begin:

Give up the illusion of control. If you're a sandwiched boomer, you've probably already noticed that you don't have very much control over the way your growing children or aging parents behave. Juggling work and parenting responsibilities, do you still somehow hold on to the belief that you can determine the way those around you act? This is the time to let go of your unrealistic expectations and the belief that you can create a perfect outcome. What you can change is how you react to what comes your way. Choose to focus on looking inside as you shift to more positive emotions. And turn the challenges coming at you as opportunities for growth.

Give up the guilt. When things don't turn out the way you expect, do you blame yourself? Whether it's trouble maintaining a balance between work and family or your needs and your partner's, don't beat yourself up for your choices - learn from them. Instead of dwelling on past mistakes, forgive yourself, let go of your negative feelings and allow yourself the opportunity to regroup and try something else. You're doing the best you can so give yourself some credit and ease up. After all, you're human, not all-knowing, and you deserve another chance. Friends can give you support and perspective as you share your feelings and concerns.

Stop by again Wednesday for more tips on plotting a course for yourself. And if you're stressed from dealing with the ups and downs of the economy, consider our ebook, Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success.

Boomer Women's Friendships Can Be Complicated

As boomer women in the sandwich generation who are caring for parents growing older and kids growing up, your life may be full of challenges - especially in this tough economy. In times of need, who is it that you turn to?

Whether you need a friend in your court who really understands or one who has your best interests at heart, these tips may help you get what you're looking for:

Receive as well as give support. Perhaps it's hard for you to ask for help if you’re the one who usually provides it. You may think that your strength in coping comes from not needing to depend on others. Friends buffer the effects of distress as well as provide meaning and purpose when you're feeling upset. But they can support you only if you let them in. So try on the behavior. Gaining the courage to reach out can actually enhance your sense of self.

Women’s relationships can be complicated. No one friend can meet all of your needs all of the time. Notice if what you expect from each other tends to lead to misunderstandings. Be straightforward and confront conflicts head-on. And if you're feelings get hurt, talk about it before resentments build.

Lower your expectations. Relationships change throughout life but that doesn't mean they have to end. Recognize that, with balancing work and family, certain standards may be hard to maintain. But other influences for both of you can enrich your friendship, if you're willing to be realistic and patient.

Want more information on this subject? Here's an article in the Huffington Post by Dr. Irene Levine, who wrote Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend. And this one is about the physical and psychological benefits of friendship.

Here's the Home Page of our website, HerMentorCenter.com. Look at the menu on the lefthand side of the page and spend some time in the Newsletter Library, Family Relationships and Video Library. If you sign up for our free newsletter, you can download a complimentary ebook about how to reach your goals. And for only $2.45, why not buy our ebook, Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success? There's lots of practical and easy to use tips on our site just waiting for you!

Staying Strong Through a Divorce

Our guest blogger, divorce mediator Edie Sangiorgio, finishes up her week's posts today with some thoughts about how to create a successful divorce. Edie is the author of Divorce Vows - Before & Beyond the Decree, and her website is Divorce Vows

Edie understands the pain of a failed relationship, and talks about some techniques to help you get through the process:

"When we include each day with uplifting, positive, proactive thoughts and strong core beliefs about ourselves we set in motion the direction our lives will take. Divorce is a legal process but more than anything it is a mental game of wills. You have probably been bruised and hurt from your relationship. Don’t perpetuate the hurt by piling on more words and actions that you will at some point have to reconcile with in your heart. Approach the divorce proceedings with your head held high, your heart willing to negotiate for the highest good for all and your soul wisdom leading the way. If you fill your core with spiritual truths that give you strength then no one can get you off your game, not even your spouse or the attorneys.

If divorce is truly the right answer for your relationship then do everything in your power to make it work. You can turn a failed marriage into a successful divorce with the right perspective. If you are a loving, kind, decent person then be who you really want to be starting right now."

Our thanks to Edie for guest blogging this week and a reminder from her that she has graciously offered our readers a free 15-minute consultation. For more information, email her at edie@divorcevows.com.

Whatever stage of the separation and divorce process you are currently in, you can also find information and a community of others going through the experience at Divorce360.com Look for our Her Mentor Center advice there about issues such as emotional reactions after a divorce and for our suggestions about how to ease the pain for children after divorce. You'll find our answers to many questions on Divorce360 - please let us know what else is on your mind.

And for more tips on increasing your resiliency in difficult times, especially if you are a Sandwiched Boomer, visit our website, Her Mentor Center. You'll also find information there about purchasing our ebook, Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success, which is available for download in PDF format.

Taking Care of Yourself Through a Divorce

We continue with our guest blogger for the week, Edie Sangiorgio, who is a certified divorce mediator. Edie is the author of Divorce Vows - Before & Beyond the Decree, and her website is Divorce Vows.

If you are considering a divorce, Edie has some questions to ask yourself first:

"So here are some ways to nurture a more positive, strong perspective and prepare yourself by journaling your thoughts and beliefs even if they are not yet part of your reality. Sometimes we have to “act as if” or “fake it until we make it.” Write down the following open-ended questions and fill in your answers with the most positive and upbeat responses that you can think of. Even if they aren’t yet or always true.

The characteristic I like most about myself as a spouse (partner) is…
The quality I admire most in myself as a parent is…
I have a positive attitude about the divorce negotiations because I am willing to…
I am a person of integrity and will maintain my integrity during the divorce by…
My spouse and children can count on me to …
I am a grateful partner and I am most grateful that because of my marriage I got to…

The most constructive way for me to deal with my pain (sadness, anger, etc) is by…
My inner strengths are revealed when I…
I show respect for myself by …
I am a forgiving person and I forgive my spouse for…
I am confident that I can take care of myself because I know how to…
I like being alone sometimes because when I am alone I get to do…
I surround myself with uplifting, supportive people like…

When I make a mistake I learn quickly from it such as when…
I am a loving person and my favorite way to show my love is by…
I know my future has good things in store for me because…
The most important thing I learned about myself from my marriage is…
I am a good communicator because I…"

Don't forget to log back in on Friday when Edie will give us some final thoughts about taking care of yourself when you divorce. In the meantime, Edie has graciously offered our readers a free 15-minute consultation, saying: "Divorce is such a difficult period for most people and so often just having someone willing to listen is a huge help. I felt compelled to write the book but in addition I feel a desire to just be available to those who resonate with my message. Taking a more spiritual path is easier when someone is walking beside you. You can request a phone consultation at edie@divorcevows.com."

And to learn more tips about managing challenges in your life, especially if you are a Sandwiched Boomer, visit our website Her Mentor Center. And look for information about purchasing our ebook, Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success, which is available for download in PDF format.

I Know I Have to Leave - Now What?

Highlighting Chelea Clinton and Marc Mezvinsky's wedding, our blog last week focused on tips to help overcome the inevitable conflicts that couples face in a marriage. But what happens when nothing is working and divorce seems to be the best alternative?

Edie Sangiorgio, a certified divorce mediator, has been working with couples to "transform a failed marriage into a successful divorce." The author of Divorce Vows - Before & Beyond the Decree, Edie is our guest blogger for this week. Learn more about her book on her website, Divorce Vows.

Here's Edie's post for today:

"So you’ve come to conclusion that you need to leave your spouse. You’ve gone to the depths of your soul and every time you ask the question 'should I stay or should I go?' your gut screams, 'leave.' You are very clear why you and your spouse were together and that the legal marriage has served its purpose. You know that it is in the best interest for your family if you and your spouse divorce and live separate lives as you tend to the needs of the family.

Okay. Clarity of direction is step one. Now what? You know you want the divorce to go as smoothly as possible but you’re not sure how to make that happen. Your next step should be to attend to your own attitude and get yourself as centered as you can and strengthen your core. More than you realize your attitude and your inner strength will have a lot of influence over the divorce process. But it is up to you to state your intentions. Divorce is hardly ever easy but many make it so much more difficult on themselves because they have not mentally, emotionally, or spiritually prepared themselves."

Be sure to check back with us again on Wednesday when Edie will be posting some questions to ask yourself before you begin any divorce negotiations. And if your marriage is feeling the effects of the downturn in the economy, visit our website, Her Mentor Center, for information about our recent ebook, Weathering the Financial Storm: Practical Strategies for Success, available to download in PDF format.