How to Answer Kids' Questions about the Death of Osama bin Laden

Osama bin Laden, the founder of Al-Qaeda, was an evil man who masterminded the attacks that cost the lives of nearly 3,000 people on September 11, 2001. For almost 10 years, Americans have been waiting for him to be caught and punished. On May 1, 2011, he was killed in Pakistan by Navy Seals in the US armed forces. After President Obama's somber announcement about it, people cheered around the world.

It can be upseting for children to see Osama bin Laden's death celebrated when they have been taught that killing is wrong. Many kids, as well as parents, are confused and wondering what to think or feel and how to react. Here are some practical tips about how you can help your kids or grandkids understand this very complicated issue:

Answer their hard questions in simple, straight forward terms. Then take your cues from them. See what they know and what they want to know. Be specific as you give them the least amount of information that will satisfy their curiosity. Try to shield them from TV programs, photos and others who may be talking about the situation. You want to be available for follow-up.

Make it clear to them that hatred can result in terrible acts. This conversation may lead to other difficult questions: Will Al Qaeda followers seek revenge? Should I be afraid of what will happen next? How can we protect ourselves? If children suggest killing more people like bin Laden, remind them that we try very hard not to kill. We want to put bad people in jail where they can never hurt or kill again.

Model reasonable and appropriate attitudes. Use this as a reminder of the 9/11 national tragedy and the hope for a safer future for all of us. Reassure your kids that you're there for them and will keep them safe. Let them know you'll protect them the best you can because you love them.

Explain that this is a part of history. Put it in context. Once again, stick to the facts and take into consideration the children's age and maturity. They will also learn about it in school and from classmates. Frame your reaction as a patriotic response to uphold American values about freedom and the rule of law.

If you're having conversations with your kids or grandkids, let us know their concerns and what you're saying to reassure them. And log on here Wednesday for more tips about how to answer kids' tough questions.

Health Care Law: How Politicians can Cooperate with Each Other

Health Care reform issues continue to generate polarized opinions and spark confrontations. Even as President Obama reveled in defeating opposition on health care, he admitted that he hasn't succeeded in breaking down partisan gridlock and changing the tone in Washington as promised before his election. He said, "It hasn't changed. Yet."

But now that the Health Care bill has been signed into law, it's time to figure out how to work together. The following tips can benefit all kinds of relationships - political ones as well as your own:

Minimize emotional overload. Feeling flooded or overcome by emotion can lead to the 'fight or flight' response. Agree to stop arguing and postpone a difficult discussion until you are both calm enough to listen.

Distraction can be a powerful defense. Take several deep breaths, release any negative feelings and develop thoughts about the situation that are more constructive.

Pay attention to the conversation without planning a rebuttal. Try to be empathic and ask questions that can lead to greater understanding. Look at the issues from a perspective that may be quite different from your own.

Sometimes you do know what's best, so take a stand and hold your ground. Practice patience as the other side begins to appreciate your point of view. Then you'll be in a better position to negotiate a compromise or a mutually agreeable solution.

Instead of immediately fighting back the next time you face what could turn into a hostile interchange, modify your approach. Grow from these experiences as you take the opportunity to turn negative feelings into positive ones, teach or learn a life lesson, form a growing connection.

As members of the Sandwich Generation, learn more about growing from experiences by signing up for our e-book,Courage and Lessons Learned , to the left of this post.

Sandwich Generation: Focus on Friends & Family

Just because you're single doesn't mean you have to be lonely on Valentine's Day. As members of the Sandwich Generation, focus on these tips that can reach far beyond a love relationship and perk you up:

Pay attention to the positives in your significant relationships. Notice who you enjoy spending time with and what about them brings you pleasure. And remember that your personal character and qualities make them want to be your friends. Relax into your friendships as you enjoy fuller and deeper conversations.

Connect often with others. Going out with a group of colleagues can sometimes be more fun than going on a date. And having support is especially important when you're feeling down. You can bring more intimacy into your circle of friends. Be willing to reveal your personal opinions and needs so that they have access to your inner world. And encourage them to do the same with you.

Lower your expectations about today. Actually, there really is no perfect day, so relax. Be realistic and proactive. You can take the lead and make a plan for the day - organize a potluck dinner, a hike in the hills or a barbeque at the park. The wonderful memories you create will last long after the day is over.

While we're on the subject of relationships, why don't you click on the title of this post to read an article about the impact of Oprah's support of President Obama at an important time in his life.

The Sandwich Generation and the State of the Union

Comments that have been logged onto our blog clarify that while we, and others, use the term Sandwich Generation, we are not actually referring to a real generation but rather to a stage of life in which any generation is stressed by caring for growing children and aging parents at the same time.

Yet the predicaments of the Sandwich Generation are even more relevant in today's world. Between 40 and 50 million Americans are now acting as unpaid care-givers to their aging parents, with one-third of them still raising children. And, in the average case, it is a working woman in her late 40's, stressed by trying to do it all.

Sandwich Generation issues have been exacerbated due to a combination of circumstances: since the last decade or two of the 20th century, couples have been starting their families later in life; adolescence has expanded at least into the twenties, abetted by helicopter parents and with boomerang kids returning home, requiring financial assistance in a bad economy; seniors have been living longer, often with chronic illnesses - and with close to one-half of the workforce being women, we are often pulled and pushed by both ends of our family while having little time, energy and financial resources to care for ourselves while reacting to the needs of our loved ones in this recession.

While the lead-up to the State of the Union address indicated that a key theme would be helping the Sandwich Generation, President Obama made only a modest set of proposals to address these issues for middle-class families: increasing the child-care tax credit and capping student loan repayments.

It is expected that, in the next month, he will advance two additional proposals based on Vice-President Biden's task force: additional child-care funding for low-income families and increasing funding for programs assisting people caring for aging family members - through respite care, counseling, training and referrals - and for services allowing those elders to remain in their homes longer.

We can only hope that there will be assistance forthcoming to Sandwich Generation members, reducing their stress and anxieties as they care for their families-in-flux. To read about how to ease yourself into the role of care-giver for an aging parent, click on the post title above to take you to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com and our article, How to Shift from Daddy's Girl to Dad's Caregiver.

A Woman's Nation: A Continuing Conversation

Although this is the last day we're focusing on 'A Woman's Nation', the conversation must continue. Exerpts of this post are from the Huffington Post article written by Chai Feldblum and Katie Corrigan, co-directors of Workplace Flexibility 2010. An initiative of Georgetown University Law Center, this project advocates for family friendly work policies and legislation.

It's important to look more closely at how workforce trends are impacting our family lives. Over two thirds of American families don't have someone at home who handles the household responsibilities. With both parents working, many struggle to succeed at work while meeting the demands of family, and often feel they fail to achieve either very well.
This issue impacts Sandwiched Boomers who are faced with the challenges of caring for a family in flux, whether it's growing children, aging parents or both. But the struggle to balance work and home is often seen as a problem that each employee or family must face alone.

The continuing conversation needs to include movement toward workplace flexibility that meets the needs of both employers and families. This approach supports individuals' control over the scheduling of their work hours and includes options such as condensed workweeks and telecommuting. Study results indicate that flexibility increases productivity by keeping workers healthier and happier as well as cuts employer costs by reducing turnover.

President Obama spoke this week about the incredible juggling act working women go through every day. And how to best support working parents is one of Michelle Obama's priorities. She is particularly concerned about policies providing sick leave, increased maternity leave and flexible work arrangements.

Let's hope that the buzz around the Shriver Report results in a national conversation about how to shift the infrastructure of the workplace to meet the realities facing families today. And we can start right here, right now.

The Empty Nest and the Sandwich Generation

For those of you in the Sandwich Generation, there are lots of circumstances that lead to an empty nest - your growing children moving to college, moving away to take a job or moving into marriage or a committed life with a partner. And any of these situations may require major role shifts for all the family.

Watch the video below about a transition that unfortunately resulted in problems for everyone. But if you read the August blog posts we suggest, you'll see that that there are solutions.



Accept your ambivalence about the empty nest. Discuss your situation with friends who care about what you're going through. You'll discover that you have a lot in common and that they feel the same about their own experiences. That can be validating and comforting. Practice letting go. Try to visualize one door closing and another door opening.

Clicking on the title of this post will take you to HerMentorCenter.com and an article about what you can learn from President Obama's Mother-in-law. Then, at the top lefthand corner of that article, you'll see "Return to Home Page." Click on that and then on Newsletter Library and Nourishing Relationships for more tips about adapting to other role changes.

Amy Dickinson Responds to NourishingRelationships' Readers

Plenty of nourishing relationships' readers and sandwiched boomers tuned in yesterday to take part in our interview with Amy Dickinson. We had a spirited discussion with Amy, author of The Mighty Queens of Freeville: A Mother, a Daughter and the Town that Raised Them. Our thanks to Amy for being so generous with her time.

You can still read all of the responses, in full, through yesterday's "comments" link at the bottom of the post. Here's a sampling.

Several Readers had concerns relating to their teenagers:

"I too have a daughter and to get a vote of approval like you did from Emily would shock the hell out of me. She’s only 15 so what you say gives me hope."

"I'm raising two teenage sons alone and sometimes I get frustrated and discouraged. What gives you the strength besides the women in your life?"

"I loved how you get to the heart of the emotion in your book. Your daughter has been in college for a couple of years now, I think - mine will be leaving in a few months. A few words of wisdom?"

Amy's thoughtful replies:

I struggle for words of wisdom about letting a child go when its time to go to college, except to say that if everybody has done their job and the relationship is good and solid, I think it’s easier to let go. I miss my girl but, well, she's happy and as a parent that has always been one of my goals. And we write letters back and forth, which has been nice for us.

I guess I get my strength, if you could call it that, from my faith and my sense of humor, from friends, and from the occasional bottle of wine and box of kleenex. Sometimes, like Scarlett O'Hara, you just have to tear down the drapes and make yourself a new dress. Enlist your sons in the effort to help them raise themselves. And make them help you with the dishes.

Another reader, a nurse asks:

"You write about such serious subjects in your advice column, like the woman today whose classmate attempted to rape her. Do you ever find it hard to leave your work at the office? I'm a critical care nurse and it's often hard for me to clear my head and relax."

Amy here:

It is very hard to leave some of these painful topics behind at the end of the day --especially when a kid writes in with a serious problem. But I'm reminded of something Ann Landers' former editor told me. Ann's words of wisdom on this were something like, "I try to remember that these people's problems aren't my problems. I've got my own problems." That helped. And as a nurse of course you know that in order to do your job, you need to be rested and as non-stressed as possible. Thank you for the important work you do.

Others made comments that reflect Amy's experience as well as their own:

"Having so many wonderful and supportive women around you is a gift. Not all women have that, but for those who don't, creating their own circle is so important. It took me too many years to realize that.

"The energy of women together is always a wonder to behold. How great for you and your daughter to have had that support. I have not read your book therefore ask if your daughter was exposed to any positive male influences as well?"

"Now that your book has been published, is there anything that you would change? Did you omit something that you would include if you were submitting your work for publishing today?"

"I found the interview enlightening and affirming of the wisdom of caring, supportive women. Common sense, sincere interest and the perfect balance of honesty, sensitivity and tact are your hallmarks, Amy. Thank you for sharing that each day in your column. I look forward to reading your book!"

Amy here:

Answering the question about whether I would change anything in my book -- honestly I don't think I would. It's not perfect, but mainly I feel like I said what I set out to say. I feel it's honest and heartfelt, quirky and charming. I still like it when I read it, so that's probably a good sign. Thanks for asking.

Amy mentioned this morning that she's working on another book and appreciates the support of readers -- "this is one of those books that women are passing around and sharing with one another, and that makes me so proud and happy!" Click on the title above to go directly to Amy's website.

If you want more of these sort of events, please add your comments here or email us at Mentors@HerMentorCenter.com. And visit our website by clicking on the first link on the left below, "Her Mentor Center."

You can sign up for our newsletter, Stepping Stones, by clicking on the link below marked "FREE Newsletter." We publish a monthly newsletter that focuses on helpful strategies for coping with personal and family issues. Our May newsletter gave tips on how mothers-in-law can improve their relationships and learn from President Obama's MIL. Our June Stepping Stones highlighted how Susan Boyle, an unlikely role model, can be a guide to an emphasis on inner beauty and nourishing oneself.

Teamwork and Resiliency Pay Off

We are learning more details about how Captain Phillips was rescued from the pirates who were holding him hostage and threatening to kill him. Here are some of the strategies they used to save him. Can you, Sandwiched Boomer or not, use them in your own life as well?

Think outside the box. Capt. Phillips seemed to be going along with the pirates' commands but he stayed alert and constantly thought about what he could do, first, to save his crew and cargo and then himself. He paid attention to his captors' behavior and tried to escape, surprising them by jumping out into the ocean. When that attempt failed, he continued to be attentive to rescue efforts so that he could play his part. You too can be creative when you are faced with a seemingly impossible situation. Often you can improvise when a solution doesn't readily appear. Use your strength and develop resiliency. Your plan may not work at first but keep working on new plans to implement.

Recognize and use all your resources. The rescue of Capt. Phillips required the coordinated efforts of the U.S. Navy command, their ships and personnel, the Seals, merchant ships, the FBI, even President Obama. While you may not have these resources at your fingertips, you do have friends, extended family and community services to help you through the challenges you face. Learn to cooperate with others and use teamwork as you strategize and act to accomplish your goals.

When you click on the title above you can read an article on our website giving you some tips about how to use your personal resources to accomplish your goals, 8 Strategies to Turn Your New Year's Resolutions into Reality.

Baby Boomers and a Call to Action

Reagarding the economic stimulus package, early in the week President Obama said, "No plan is perfect, and we should work to make it stronger. Let's show people all over our country who are looking for leadership in this difficult time that we are equal to the task."

The last couple of days, pushing hard to get a plan passed, he remarks, "The time for talk is over, the time for action is now." As Baby boomers in a tough economy, do these words apply to you? Are you doing all you can to make this challenging situation work for your family?

You may have to stay at your job longer than you expected if you are a Baby Boomer nearing retirement. Or perhaps you’ll upgrade skills that will enable you to keep your job. Research findings indicate that, if you enjoy your work, there is added value in the stimulation, engagement and camaraderie it provides.

Alter your expectations and focus on the long run as you put off present pleasures for future gains. Appreciate the changes you are making now for your future wellbeing. Let off steam and reduce stress - discover low cost fitness by gardening or scaling steps. Barter services by cooking a meal or building shelves in exchange for personal training. Fight the force of negativity and believe in yourself to awaken the strength within.

Chicken Little thought the sky was falling - but with all the anxiety and panic, avoid a knee jerk reaction. Instead of an automatic response, think about what’s driving your fear before reacting. It’s true that conspicuous consumption marked the rise and fall of empires. But you don’t have to go to the extreme of chopping wood and carrying water. Just be patient and tighten your belt - call an old friend, using free Sunday minutes, write a letter to the editor, play a game with your kids, thank your lucky stars.

Boomers and Pay Caps

President Barack Obama plans to impose a pay cap on executives whose firms receive government financial rescue funds. It's shocking that some companies have given out bonuses while receiving government aid. As sandwiched boomers, you may be in the midst of making some critical decisions yourself. Here are some ideas that may help in the midst of this financial crisis.

Get to know the subconscious money script that you learned in childhood from your parents. If your family was extremely frugal, you may follow their example and have the same fiscal habits. Or, having felt deprived, maybe you go in the opposite direction and spend with abandon. Understanding the dynamics of how you spend and why will free you up to explore new money management options.

Turn calamity into catharsis. Pull back in order to reach your goals and see thrift as a virtue. Make it OK to put off buying a new car or a new dress now so that you can have a better life later. Begin to put some money, no matter how little, in personal savings every month. As you make sacrifices, keep track of your values - like restraint, accountability, self-reliance, working hard, determination.

Tips for the Sandwich Generation Family

Our focus this week has been on Obama family values. And their move into the White House, which includes Michelle's mother, marks a major transition for all of them. No Sandwich Generation family always runs smoothly. And there can be problems that aren't that easy to fix. As you evaluate the kind of support and strategies you need right now, keep the following tips in mind:

Make sure your expectations are realistic. You may have very clear ideas about how you want your family to be. But realize that every member will have their own way of handling challenges, conflicts and disappointments. Don't think that what's a priority for you will be the same for everyone. And remember that the present state of affairs won't last.

Be willing to compromise. With a situation you can't agree on in a family relationship that matters a lot, take the time to understand both sides of the issue. Validate everyone's feelings and try to withhold blame. It's not necessary to excuse bad behavior, but show support for what they're going through. If in the past you have gone underground and then exploded later, don't let these feelings fester. Acknowledge the part that you play in the conflict and deal with it. Negotiating an agreement that both of you can live with is often the best way to move on.

Set long-range goals about what you want to accomplish as well as short-term objectives that will help you reach them. These concrete plans provide the basic foundation and parameters for change in your partner, your children, your parents and yourself. As you successfully move forward, step by step, your self-confidence will grow. Ongoing action and a positive attitude will motivate you to stay on track and ultimately reach your family goals.

Tomorrow we'll finish up our set of tips. Log on and let us hear about the family issues you're facing and how you're managing.

The Obama Family and Family Values

In a recent letter to his girls, President Obama wrote: "I want you to grow up in a world with no limits on your dreams and no achievements beyond your reach.….." Now that's a strong message from a father to his daughters.

Some say that the Obamas are the kind of family they would like to be. Michelle has a healthy attitude about parenting that resonates for those with strong family values. And she has talked about her personal struggle of juggling work and kids, not that different from any other ordinary American working mother. More than we might expect, given her training and high-powered career, the division of labor in the marriage has been fairly traditional. Michelle is an involved mom and has said that the wellbeing of her girls comes first.

As Barack tells it, all the men in his life were fragile, but the women could always be relied upon. In his wife, he sees a lot of his grandmother - the practical, no-nonsense woman who raised him. He likes that Michelle insists he be the kind of father he never had. And just as she is a reflection of his values, their partnership is a good indication of the character strengths and listening skills he brings to the White House.

Join us here tomorrow for a Virtual Book Tour, featuring author Lynn Goodwin whose book is called "You Want Me to do What?" She will be answering questions about journaling for caregivers.