Reaching Out

In America, we've received another blow to the gut as we are reminded of how lives can change in an instant. The horrific shootings in Aurora, Colorado cast a pale over what was meant to be an entertaining evening respite. Over the weekend, information flowed in from the media, putting individual faces on the victims and outlining many heroic actions of people attempting to shield others from harm and helping those who were already injured.

Ironically, one young woman who was killed, Jessica Ghawi, had earlier survived another shooting at a mall in Canada and had blogged about her experience at that time, I was shown how fragile life was on Saturday. I saw the terror on bystanders' faces. I saw the victims of a senseless crime. I saw lives change. I was reminded that we don't know when or where our time on Earth will end. When or where we will breathe our last breath. Her words are even more haunting now that she is dead.

 

As we face acts of senseless violence like these, we instinctively join together as a community to support one another. When it feels like our safety and security is threatened by an event like this, we seek a solid footing to ground us. We feel less overwhelmed and vulnerable when we experience the touch of another. 

You already know that, in caring for your own family, a hug and kiss can help reduce the pain – emotional and physical. And talking to those in your support system relieves some of your stress, anxiety and fear. So open up to your friends and family about your feelings and thoughts - they can validate your emotions and begin the healing process. And giving a helping hand to others does wonders - it provides aide to those in need and makes you feel useful too.

We may try to understand the reasons behind the attack in an attempt to gain more control over any future chaos. But while so-called pundits will offer explanations about the perpetrator, we really don't yet know what motivated him to conceive of and execute such a terrible plan. What we do know is that reaching out to comfort others in pain and to ask friends and family for support ourselves when we need it creates a resilient, caring community for all of us.

When those under stress join together to sustain each other, we all benefit. Through sharing our common concerns and life experiences we gain a sense of camaraderie, understanding and acceptance. Our mutual support helps diminish the feelings of isolation, anxiety and helplessness and brings a sense of control back into our lives.

In the future we can reflect on what this most recent terrible shooting means to our society but in the meantime, let's join hands with others, empowering us all, and declare our humanity and solidarity with the good in our world.

Answering Kids' Questions about Good and Evil

Differences of opinion surrounding the death of Osama bin Laden are rampant. And your kids may still be asking questions that are hard to answer. On Monday we shared tips that may be helpful in explaining the situation. What follows are a few more:

Talk about good and evil. The death of Osama bin Laden is complicated. Your kids may wonder why he was killed and not put in jail. Tell them these were extremely unusual circumstances. The idea of celebrating his death is another contradictory message. Point out that it was at odds with the solemnity of the moment. Speak from your heart about patriotism. Help them understand that a lot of people were celebrating the possibility of peace and feeling safer.

Teach them to appreciate ethnic, religious and cultural differences. Be a good role model, tolerant and open-minded. Radical terrorists don't represent or speak for Islam. Help your children understand and respect others who are different than them. Give examples they can relate to, like, isn’t it interesting when someone at school dresses differently, speaks English with an accent or likes really different foods than you?

Work toward a more equitable world. It's our job as a nation not to pursue revenge but to seek justice. On a personal level, it's about how we see our responsibilities. You may want to frame bin Laden's death as an opportunity for furthering peace and in terms of justice for the victims of 9/11. That it's a relief that evil had been overcome. Model positive moral development for your children. You can have a primal reaction to a threat and still behave in a more evolved manner. Compassion is a complicated concept to understand.

What people are really celebrating is relief from fears that undermine their feeling in control. Hopefully bin Laden's death will lead to the further dismantling of a terror network that causes suffering worldwide. This is about restoring hope for progress against a frightening force. If Osama bin Laden's death makes kids feel safer, that's a good thing.

How to Answer Kids' Questions about the Death of Osama bin Laden

Osama bin Laden, the founder of Al-Qaeda, was an evil man who masterminded the attacks that cost the lives of nearly 3,000 people on September 11, 2001. For almost 10 years, Americans have been waiting for him to be caught and punished. On May 1, 2011, he was killed in Pakistan by Navy Seals in the US armed forces. After President Obama's somber announcement about it, people cheered around the world.

It can be upseting for children to see Osama bin Laden's death celebrated when they have been taught that killing is wrong. Many kids, as well as parents, are confused and wondering what to think or feel and how to react. Here are some practical tips about how you can help your kids or grandkids understand this very complicated issue:

Answer their hard questions in simple, straight forward terms. Then take your cues from them. See what they know and what they want to know. Be specific as you give them the least amount of information that will satisfy their curiosity. Try to shield them from TV programs, photos and others who may be talking about the situation. You want to be available for follow-up.

Make it clear to them that hatred can result in terrible acts. This conversation may lead to other difficult questions: Will Al Qaeda followers seek revenge? Should I be afraid of what will happen next? How can we protect ourselves? If children suggest killing more people like bin Laden, remind them that we try very hard not to kill. We want to put bad people in jail where they can never hurt or kill again.

Model reasonable and appropriate attitudes. Use this as a reminder of the 9/11 national tragedy and the hope for a safer future for all of us. Reassure your kids that you're there for them and will keep them safe. Let them know you'll protect them the best you can because you love them.

Explain that this is a part of history. Put it in context. Once again, stick to the facts and take into consideration the children's age and maturity. They will also learn about it in school and from classmates. Frame your reaction as a patriotic response to uphold American values about freedom and the rule of law.

If you're having conversations with your kids or grandkids, let us know their concerns and what you're saying to reassure them. And log on here Wednesday for more tips about how to answer kids' tough questions.

Kids of Michael Jackson: Still Sad but Doing OK

At the anniversary of Michael Jackson's death, his children are likely feeling the sadness that is typical for all of us when we lose someone we love. In her book, On Death and Dying, Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross first identified the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and, finally, acceptance.

Working through these feelings is easier with the support of family. And it's evident, in recent comments made by Katherine and Germaine, that the Jackson family is rallying around the children. 'They're spending time with their cousins and that family love will keep them going.'

If you're caring for your grandkids under stressful circumstances, what follows are ideas to consider as you nurture them and yourself:

It is necessary to mourn what you have lost. In divorce, it may be the dreams you had for the future. In death, the sadness about not having the loved one as a part of your life. As you work to communicate openly, all of you can feel safe enough to talk and grieve together.

Accept the changes in the family, whatever they are, even if you're in the crossfire. Validate the children's feelings and withhold blame regarding their parents. While you're showing support, try not to take a particular side or excuse bad behavior. Remember that your primary concern here is to attend to the immediate concerns and needs of the children.

Protect the children from the comments of others. Whether the absent parent's behavior stemmed from a serious emotional problem or a hunger deep inside, now you can shield the children from its impact. Focus on your relationship with them and build trust so that they'll feel more accepted, nurtured and confident.

You may want to watch this Fox News report on the one year anniversary of Michael Jackson's death. Need more information about positive role models as you reach for your goals as a grandparent? Sign our email list to the left of this post and download a free ebook, "Courage and Lessons Learned."

The Children of Michael Jackson One Year After His Death

This week marks a year since Michael Jackson died. After his untimely death, a major focus was the future of his children, Prince, Paris and 'Blanket.' According to Jackson's will, his mother was to raise them - and the judge granted her permanent custody. All the while, pundits were busy predicting who would really take care of them.

The number of boomer grandparents assuming care and financial responsibility for grandchildren continues to increase. Statistics show that over 2.9 million grandparents are raising more than 4.5 million grandchildren. This is particularly true in families that involve a habitual drug user, a single parent or one with a chronic illness.

Despite the superstar status of the Jackson family, there is something quintessentially human and familiar about them. Hasn't each of us, as a result of death or divorce, had a complicated situation in our own family? Do what you can to maintain structure and continuity. By stabilizing the children's environment with a familiar routine, they'll begin to feel less anxious and more secure. Children are resilient. As you consistently model hopeful thinking and positive actions, they are bound to thrive.

If you're caught up in the middle of a painful tragedy or complex crisis, log on to the blog all week for ideas to consider as you begin to take better care of your grandchildren and yourself.

Ready to get started? You can learn more about Michael Jackson and fatherhood from Wikipedia. Read an article about how to turn a crisis into a challenge on Her Mentor Center. And if you click on 'Comments' below, you can share your practical tips about caring for your grandkids.