Learning to Flourish

Now that the kids are back in school and their homework is starting, we've got some news about a book you might like to read yourself. The field of Positive Psychology - with its emphasis on creating a meaningful, healthy life - is especially important to us here at NourishingRelationships. Recently a pillar in the field, as well as a friend and mentor, Dr. Marty Seligman, enlarged on his work with Authentic Happiness and established a revision of his theory in his new book, Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being.


In his revised theory, Seligman has added two more elements to his original three constructs that make up a life well-lived. All five, each with the support of essential character strengths and virtues, come together to create well-being. He uses the mnemonic PERMA to stand for these 5 components of thriving: Positive Emotions, Engagement, Positive Relationships, Meaning and Purpose, Achievement. Lets take a look at each of these to see how they might relate to you:

Positive Emotions involve pleasure and enjoyment, often during a satisfying sensory experience. You may feel a positive emotion while eating a delicious meal, hearing a beautiful symphony, walking on the beach, sharing a hug with your grandchild. Days full of these positive emotions make up what Seligman terms a pleasant life.

Engagement comes with flow, the experience of being so involved in an activity that you lose track of time and place. During this type of total absorption you feel at one with what you are doing. You may be fortunate to experience flow from your work or a hobby that you love. This type of immersion Seligman has labeled an engaged life.

Positive Relationships are necessary for well-being and therefore comprise one of the two new additions to Seligman's theory of thriving. Here on our blog and at our website, HerMentorCenter.com, we give practical tips to develop and maintain positive relationships with your family. When the pressure rises from caring for growing children and aging parents, the deep relationships you have built with a significant other and close friends can help buffer your stress and enhance your well-being.

Meaning and Purpose entail a commitment to something larger than yourself - the circle can include family, community, country, humanity, spiritual guidance. You may be involved in volunteer activities that bring deep satisfaction and the recognition that you can make a difference in repairing the world. Seligman has described this as a meaningful life.

Accomplishment is the second addition in this revised theory and the final tenet of well-being. Striving to achieve a goal strictly for its own sake can motivate a determined person, using her talents, to overcome difficulties. And the sense of triumph that comes from mastery over a challenging test is priceless.

Will these Positive Psychology tidbits encourage you to enjoy your own learning experience as the new school year begins? Knowing more about the constructs of well-being can help you decide how to focus your personal and family life. We hope our efforts together can be the driving force for you to thrive as you live a pleasant and engaged life, connected to others, complete with meaningful and purposeful accomplishments. What could be better?

Becoming Thankful and Grateful

When you're a member of the Sandwich Generation, it's not easy to take care of your family in flux - growing children and aging parents. With all the stresses you face daily, preparing for Thanksgiving may seem like another added burden. But this year, why not make a plan to bring some new traditions to your holiday table which will lower your levels of stress and raise the levels of meaning for the whole family?

In your busy life, sometimes it's hard to focus on what you are thankful for but once you do, you can begin to acknowledge the part others play in your happiness. A leader the field of Positive Psychology, Dr. Marty Seligman studies what brings Authentic Happiness to your life. He has created questionnaires to help you recognize your gratitude, optimism, strength, compassion and love as well as techniques to increase your positive emotions. Here are some steps to help you get started in looking at your gratitude:

Begin to consciously notice what brings you joy. Strange as it may sound, you'll need to actually set aside time to pay attention to what you are experiencing when you are feeling happy and grateful. Awareness is the first step toward creating any change.

Count your blessings. Each evening, note three things that happened during the day for which you are thankful. Be specific as you describe what happened to you. It could be a loving conversation with your partner, a hug from your teenage daughter, a lunch date with an old friend.

Re-live and savor each of these events. Spend time re-creating in your mind the happiness of the experience. You will feel your body becoming more relaxed, your emotions more positive and your thoughts more focused. The joys of life are not only in present activities but also in remembering pleasurable occasions you have already experienced.

Think about what you did to open yourself to these moments. Then decide to direct your actions to include more of these delights in your life. Recognizing your own personal power will strengthen your belief in yourself as well as your willingness to consider the part others play in your happiness.

Realize why this piece of good fortune came your way. It will help you identify the people you're grateful to have in your life. You can then thank them for playing a part in improving your world.

Deciding to focus on giving thanks means a whole new mindset. When you count your blessings - at Thanksgiving or any time during the year - you can act on the gratitude you experience and live a rich life no matter what else is going on around you.

Sandwiched Boomers Can be Happier

Are you a Sandwiched Boomer managing the challenges of parents growing older and kids growing up? If so - especially in these difficult economic times - you may be more focused on reducing stress than increasing happiness. But it doesn't have to be that way. The tips that follow are mainly about tweaking your attitude. Try them on, as they don't take much time and are easy to implement:

Become aware of what brings you joy. Set aside time to experience and acknowledge your gratitude. Research participants were asked to write gratitude letters to those who had helped them. They reported that, after implementing the habit, they had a lasting increase in happiness over weeks and even months. What's even more surprising is that sending the letter was not necessary. Even those who wrote letters, but never delivered them, still reported feeling better afterwards.

Embrace simplicity and appreciate what you have. Step outside and enjoy a moonlit night or take you family camping and roast marshmallows over the fire. Those who practice writing down three good things that happen to them every week show a significant increase in happiness. When life isan't going so well, think optimistically and try to find the silver lining in any situation. Being more hopeful about the circumstances, a process called reframing, can lead to increased feelings of well-being.

Practice random acts of kindness. Focusing on the positive can help you remember reasons to be glad. When we perform good deeds and assist others it also benefits us. A recent study found that the more people participated in meaningful activities, the happier they were and the more they felt their lives had purpose. Pleasure-seeking behaviors, on the other hand, did not make them happier.

Read this article from PsychCentral for insight into what you can do to increase your sense of well-being. And click here to learn more about Dr. Martin Seligman and his work on Authentic Happiness at the University of Pennsylvania. If you want, you can even participate in a research study.

Log on to our website, HerMentorCenter and spend some time browsing. Start at the menu on the upper lefthand corner of the Home Page. There's lots of information under 'Newsletter Library' and the articles in 'Nourishing Relationships' are full of practical tips. By signing up for the 'Free Newsletter', you can download a complimentary ebook about reaching your goals. And there's no better time than now to order our new ebook, "Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success." Our thanks to Marilee Karlsen for the terrific photos from Bhutan!

Resiliency in Difficult Times

Do you feel inundated by bad news coming at you from all sides? The oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is spreading and the gushing thousands of feet below the surface has yet to be fully contained; new unemployment figures in the U.S. confirm the dismal private sector job creation that continues to lag; international conflicts rage and at home citizens are divided about immigrants' rights. World news reflects the tensions you may be feeling in your own relationships. How do you deal with the challenges coming from the rich but often problematic complexity of your family life? Here are some tips for you:

Draw upon your own strength. You will learn more about your capabilities when you are tested by hard times than when everything is going well for you. Resiliency is increased each time you get up and put one foot in front of the other. Bravery comes in many actions - facing an illness, providing for your family, starting a new career - not only on the battlefield. To learn more about identifying your Character Strengths, visit the Authentic Happpiness website and take the VIA Survey of Character Strengths. Use the ones that seem to define you - Signature Strengths - to support your progress through tough times.

Just as those in the foxholes feel the honest emotions of fear, anger, pain, guilt, anxiety and loneliness, allow yourself to experience these emotions when they are a part of your life.

Especially if you are a Sandwiched Boomer, it's easy to become overwhelmed by all you have on your plate. Torn between caring for your growing children and aging parents, it's normal to feel stressed and anxious at times. Don't blame yourself. Once you are able to acknowledge these feelings, then you can begin the long process of coping with them.

If you remember the fragility and transience of life as you move through it, you will savor each good moment you have. Integrate and reflect on all you have achieved in balancing your work and family with your own needs. Living your life to the fullest is a lasting mark of respect you can pay to your family and to the veterans you honored this week who have sacrificed the innocence of their youth for you.

For some role models of courage, look to the left of this post. When you sign up for our monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones, you will receive a link to a complimentary copy of our ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned. There you'll find stories of resiliency and practical strategies for success in difficult times.

We have been committed to encouraging the experience and expression of gratitude since we worked with Dr. Martin Seligman, the founder of the Positive Psychology movement and the author of "Authentic Happiness." In his book, Dr. Seligman proposes that we identify our strengths and apply them to creating an authentically happy and meaningful life, complete with personal gratification as well as with community improvement. He believes that the expression of gratitude in a concrete way to important mentors, role models and friends changes both the giver and receiver of the "thanks" in a positive way.

In addition, keeping a gratitude journal, as we blogged last Thursday, allows you the opportunity to focus each day on what you are thankful about. Focus on what brings you pleasure and enjoy the results of savoring that experience.

If you would like to learn more about how your own views about gratitude affect you, visit Dr. Seligman's site, http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upen.edu/ and take the Gratitude Survey questionnaire as well as other questionnaires on the website.

I know I am grateful that my three wonderful grandsons are coming in this evening to visit for the week. As we share our Thanksgiving meal, I will express my gratitude that they are a part of my life and I am a part of theirs.