Attaining Happiness Without a Winning Lottery Ticket

Is happiness really as simple as a warm puppy? Stopping to smell the flowers? Or as materialistic as a winning lottery ticket? There have been scores of philosophers and theologians over the years attempting to define happiness and to identify its components. But recently Michael J. Fox, living with Parkinson's for over 20 years put it more plainly:

I really love being alive. I really love my family and my work. I love the opportunity I have to do things. That's what happiness is.

If you're working to increase your happiness, perhaps you've already begun with the strategies we talked about earlier this week - increasing your gratitude and engaging by using your character strengths. Today, using Fox's formula of affirmative focus, family and meaningful work accomplishments, we have four more tips for you in the quest to attain true happiness.

Savor the pleasurable events and emotions you experience. First immerse yourself in these activities, being mindful so that your experience is rich and deep. Then set aside time later to re-live and enjoy the event and your feelings all over again. You'll find that your body becomes more relaxed, your thoughts more focused and your mood more upbeat.

Build and nurture personal relationships. Studies continue to show that positive relationships provide a buffer for the stresses we all encounter and are correlated with greater happiness, well-being, optimism, improved health, even a longer lifespan. And they work to create an upward spiral - the happier we are, the more we attract additional positive relationships.

Create a meaningful life by helping others. When you make a commitment to help others, your altruism also benefits you by increasing your levels of joy and contentment. Receiving a windfall of money - like that coming from a lottery win - doesn't actually lead to a long-term rise in happiness when spent on oneself, once basic needs are met. Yet spending a portion of that money on others - either as a gift or as a charitable donation - is correlated with an increase in happiness.

Set goals for yourself and work to achieve them. Striving for and accomplishing a goal leads to increased self-esteem and a sense mastery and efficacy. When you overcome challenges along the way, it creates even deeper well-being and feelings of control. And the optimism that you have about future meaningful successes can generate authentic happiness.

President Abraham Lincoln, who went through great trials and difficulties, shared his view:

Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

How happy will you decide to be? Can you get there without depending on a lottery ticket?

Learning to Flourish

Now that the kids are back in school and their homework is starting, we've got some news about a book you might like to read yourself. The field of Positive Psychology - with its emphasis on creating a meaningful, healthy life - is especially important to us here at NourishingRelationships. Recently a pillar in the field, as well as a friend and mentor, Dr. Marty Seligman, enlarged on his work with Authentic Happiness and established a revision of his theory in his new book, Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being.


In his revised theory, Seligman has added two more elements to his original three constructs that make up a life well-lived. All five, each with the support of essential character strengths and virtues, come together to create well-being. He uses the mnemonic PERMA to stand for these 5 components of thriving: Positive Emotions, Engagement, Positive Relationships, Meaning and Purpose, Achievement. Lets take a look at each of these to see how they might relate to you:

Positive Emotions involve pleasure and enjoyment, often during a satisfying sensory experience. You may feel a positive emotion while eating a delicious meal, hearing a beautiful symphony, walking on the beach, sharing a hug with your grandchild. Days full of these positive emotions make up what Seligman terms a pleasant life.

Engagement comes with flow, the experience of being so involved in an activity that you lose track of time and place. During this type of total absorption you feel at one with what you are doing. You may be fortunate to experience flow from your work or a hobby that you love. This type of immersion Seligman has labeled an engaged life.

Positive Relationships are necessary for well-being and therefore comprise one of the two new additions to Seligman's theory of thriving. Here on our blog and at our website, HerMentorCenter.com, we give practical tips to develop and maintain positive relationships with your family. When the pressure rises from caring for growing children and aging parents, the deep relationships you have built with a significant other and close friends can help buffer your stress and enhance your well-being.

Meaning and Purpose entail a commitment to something larger than yourself - the circle can include family, community, country, humanity, spiritual guidance. You may be involved in volunteer activities that bring deep satisfaction and the recognition that you can make a difference in repairing the world. Seligman has described this as a meaningful life.

Accomplishment is the second addition in this revised theory and the final tenet of well-being. Striving to achieve a goal strictly for its own sake can motivate a determined person, using her talents, to overcome difficulties. And the sense of triumph that comes from mastery over a challenging test is priceless.

Will these Positive Psychology tidbits encourage you to enjoy your own learning experience as the new school year begins? Knowing more about the constructs of well-being can help you decide how to focus your personal and family life. We hope our efforts together can be the driving force for you to thrive as you live a pleasant and engaged life, connected to others, complete with meaningful and purposeful accomplishments. What could be better?

Aging vs. Growing Old: It Doesn't Depend on the Calendar

Lifetime Achievement Award winner Betty White is in the news again.

It seems she is following the advice for staying young we gave you earlier this week: cultivate humor in your daily life; hang out with your peers; find the time to interact with younger friends too.

This time, she has jumped into the fray of those making predictions about the future of NBA basketball star LeBron James.

White has joined with her adopted city of Cleveland, hoping to entice LeBron to stay with the Cavaliers for another season. As she teases him in this clip with her Hot in Cleveland costars, she can make it worth his while to stay! At 88 (and ½ as Betty proudly declares), White is the poster child for reminding us to throw away the calendar when we are talking about age.

So here are some more tips for today about aging without growing old:

Work with what you've got to stay in shape. Start slowly, perhaps walking with a friend or exercising on your own. When you're ready, look for a fitness center that has classes for all levels of physical ability - ranging from salsa hi-impact aerobics through belly dancing, stretch classes, and water aerobics to chair classes and tai chi for balance. That way you'll be able to challenge you body no matter where you're starting - and have fun in the process. And incorporating healthy habits into your daily routine will help you feel younger.

Set goals for yourself and do something meaningful. Research shows that people who are sociable, generous, and goal-oriented are generally happier and healthier than other people. Think about what kinds of activities bring you the most satisfaction and plan how you can get more involved and spend more time doing them. You may want to look for places to volunteer in your community through Senior Corps or America's Natural and Cultural Resources Volunteer Portal. Or contact your local school or community center to for opportunities to mentor or tutor children. Sharing your wisdom with others will bring a spring into your step and joy into your life.

Although studies have found that there may be a gene for long life, you don't have to worry about the calendar, even if you're a Sandwiched Boomer. Instead, enjoy your age whatever it is and follow this week's tips to feel as young as you can.

Connect with Your Family This Summer

Now that Memorial Day is past and school will soon be over, have you thought about how to use those extra summer hours to connect with your family?

With the summer season now unofficially open and the barbeque back in service, can we still learn from the heroes we honored on Memorial Day who have served and given their all to protect our way of life? As we respect their unique bravery, we can direct their lessons to our own family situation and apply the same principles to those closest to us.

Express the gratitude you feel for what they have given you - protection, opportunities, love, strength, enjoyment of life. You have doors open to you now because of them. This can begin with something as simple as a heartfelt "thank you," and develop into a more textured and thoughtful recognition of what you are thankful for. Find out more about the benefits of expressing gratitude through the Authentic Happiness website

Recognize the importance of revealing the love you have for each other. Those who have been in harm's way know the meaning of the words, "it's too late." Don't put off sharing your love; decide to make it a priority. Each day, acknowledge those you love, and who love you, as if it were your last.

Understand the value of friendship. Those in the service have trusted and leaned on each other as they've shared their experiences and relied on their camaraderie. Know that we are here to take care of our friends and family - close and extended - difficult though it may be at times.

Community support is there for the taking when you know where to look and how to ask for it. Be open to the reality that you might need to utilize the input and generosity of others. You are not diminished when you allow another to help you.

Are you looking for some ideas about how to connect and have a special family vacation this summer? Even Sandwiched Boomers can relax and enjoy time with extended family if you plan ahead. This summer, create memories to carry you and your family through the rest of the year. And log in to share your ideas about family togetherness.

To read stories of modern day heroes and how they coped with challenges in their lives, click on the link to the left. You can sign up for our monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones, and receive a complimentary copy of our ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned, which showcases tips and strategies to use in your own family.

Memorial Day and the Value of Family

Memorial Day gives us all an opportunity to pay tribute to those in the Armed Service who have sacrificed their lives to protect our freedoms over the years.

Visiting a military cemetery on Memorial Day and witnessing all of the flags marking the graves, families of the fallen are there in record numbers to remember their relatives. A non-profit organization, TAPS, Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors, was founded by Bonnie Carroll after the death of her husband in 1992, to provide comfort for those who have lost a loved one in service to America.

TAPS has been there with programs and services for over 25,000 survivors since then. Their motto, "Remember the Love, Celebrate the Life, Share the Journey," aptly reflects their mission. Relatives are helped to gradually heal with the assistance of the TAPS program

You can visit the TAPS website for more information about how to make a difference by supporting their work.

As we remember with love and respect the sacrifice of these men and women, we can also reflect on the ideals of service, courage, and camaraderie as they apply to our own families.

After paying tribute to the men and women of the Armed Services on Memorial Day, make a commitment to honor your own family today. Express your gratitude for all that family provides for you. You will find that, as a part of the Sandwich Generation or not, it makes your time with each member more meaningful and relevant.

Menopause Brain?

Last week we looked at ways to activate your brain and keep it young. But recent studies at UCLA indicate that women's brains may not function as well during the early stage of the menopause transition - women do not learn as well shortly before menopause as they do earlier or later. So if you are one of the 60% of women who notice that you have memory problems during your menopausal transition, take heart - your memory will come back once you are postmenopausal.

Menopause may bring many additional changes, emotional as well as physical. The meaning of "the change" may be different for each of you. For some, the aging process may signify the loss of physical beauty, even if you've not been overly concerned with looks before. Arleen loves the challenge of teaching and shares a close relationship with her husband and children. She participates as a volunteer in community activities. Even with her satisfaction with these roles, menopause is a reminder that she is getting older. "I hate looking in the mirror so I avoid it. I see things more magnified now with menopause – I look wrinkled, grayer, fatter and with a turkey neck. I hate it – looking old. I am constantly complaining about it."

It can bring the end of childbearing to the forefront even if you enjoy numerous other meaningful roles in your life. Sometimes the finality of the impossibility of pregnancy brings reductions in the amount of energy you want to invest in childrearing. Diane, who combines her career as a hairdresser with that of an involved parent, feels herself taking a step back from a daughter just entering her twenties. "I like not having a period. But it feels like the end of my motherhood thing. I feel that I’ve done a good job – she’s a good person and will turn out ok. So I am feeling some freedom."

You may also enjoy the freedom that comes from not being able to become pregnant again. Sue was frightened when she started missing her menstrual period. She thought that she might be pregnant with her fifth child. When she learned that her symptoms were the beginning of menopause, she remembers the moment. "I was relieved that’s all it was! Now I am more relaxed with intimacy because I am not worried about getting pregnant. I feel freer now to let myself experience my sexuality."

Menopause can also mark the beginning of thoughts about the finite nature of life, especially for Sandwiched Boomers. This can lead to fears about death or more motivation to accomplish goals. Janet is now thinking about changes she anticipates making in her life in the near future rather than the distant future. "Menopause pushes me to think about the future now and what I can look forward to. The years have passed too quickly. I realize if I want to accomplish things in life, I need to start now."

Has menopause changed your outlook on life? Karen, who has raised four children, has been able to cope with the issues of menopause because, "All of my life experience gives me a certain stability, understanding and strength in dealing with my aging. I don’t want to be a twenty-year old. I feel comfortable being fifty."

The realization that you have the freedom to 'wear purple' and be who you are without any need to please others can be invigorating. Carol, a teacher, is learning to trust herself and be who she is. "Now I have more authenticity – walking my walk, talking my talk – not needing to be so admired or wonderful at any price. There is some loss in coming off the pedestal but I can be selfish and a pain in the ass if I want."

What does menopause mean to you? What emotions are you feeling at the loss of your physical fertility? What does it feel like to know that some parts of your life are now over? What will you leave behind? How do these losses give you the freedom to move in new directions? How are your roles changing? What new opportunities are now opening for you? How will you pursue these? This would be a good time to reflect on your losses and on the new possibilities open to you.

Think about how you want to redefine your role. Click on the post title to take you to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com where you can read one of our Stepping Stones newsletters. Let us hear from you. And tune in tomorrow when we'll give you some suggestions for coping with menopause.

We are delighted to have Marika and Howard Stone with us today to discuss their book about how to rewire - 101 creative ways to put meaning into your life after retirement.

Nourishing Relationships: Howard and Marika, Too Young to Retire is both the title of your book and website. Tell us about how you came up with it?

Howard: It's a phrase usually applied to professional athletes, but it popped into my head in the course of a coaching session. I was in my early 60s and knew I wanted to stop traveling the world for my publishing job. Yet, there I was, not ready for the proverbial endless vacation, but preparing for a new career as a coach. I thought a lot of guys my age were also 'too young to retire,' and could use some coaching to help them figure out what comes next.

Marika: We both thought it was a good description of the 'down-aging' we were observing, in ourselves and our friends, as we got into our 50s. Before that, we were mentally preparing for a pretty conventional retirement. But when we came face to face with it, we both said 'whoa!' A major contribution to this epiphany was seeing what retirement looked like during our visits to our second home in the Palm Springs area. It didn't fit us. Shopping, decorating, early bird dinners, no way.

NR: Most Boomers today realize that the retirement of their parents won't be theirs. Many want and will need to work, yet not everyone is completely happy about that. What is your take?

Howard: Baby boomers are probably the hardest working generation we've seen, so it would be completely natural most want a break. Our book recommends a sabbatical, some time-out when you get to relax and replensh yourself. A year, maybe 18 months, if you can afford it. Most people who come into their late 50s in good health will be ready to do something more valuable with their time than 'rest and play.' And that's what we focus on. Helping them discover what that could be. We think work you enjoy is a great life extender.

NR: So, the second part of your title: 101 Ways to Start the Rest of Your Life speaks to that?

Marika: Exactly. One of the most fun things that happened after we launched our website, 2young2retire.com, in 1998, was that people started sending us their stories of reinvention and 'second acts.' We began to see that rather than life becoming smaller and more limited for people when they ended their primary careers, it could start to open up as they took some calculated risks and tried new things. Every one of the ideas we wrote about was drawn from a real story. And the truth is, there are way more than 101 ways to start the rest of your life.

NR: Both your book and the website are very upbeat and positive. They profile people who have made it to the other side, like the attorneys who started a B&B, or the naval officer who created a nonprofit for homeless kids. What do you have to offer those who are not there yet?

Marika: Glad you brought that up. Actually, each chapter of Too Young to Retire has a 'Try This' section with suggested small steps to take. We know from our own experience that transition from the security of the known world of work, colleagues, familiar routine, to something you have to invent, is challenging. Yet, there is no other choice but to move forward, as we see it. It takes time, effort, support from others, even an investment in training. But in later life, we have experience, contacts, resources in abundance, sometimes hiding in plain sight. I was practicing yoga for several years while contemplating my next career, then one day it just hit me: Why not train to teach what I loved to others?

Howard: I think we offer a sense of hope and uplift about the next phase of their lives. So much of what is written about older people is patronizing. It assumes that all we're interest in is our entitlements and a life of ease. We think Boomers and beyond have way more going for them, and far more to offer to society. We are far from done. We are needed.

NR: Who would you say is your ideal reader?

Howard: People who know that retirement, in the sense that it has been understood, is over, and that they need to think and plan differently now. They may not have clear ideas of where they are headed, but they must be willing to tackle their money issues, if any, get as healthy as they can be, and approach the future as if they were new graduates. Because in some sense they are.

Our thanks to the Stones for a lively conversation and food for thought. Now, readers, it's your turn. If you're trying to find purpose post-retirement, Marika and Howard are here to share their sage advice. Just click on "comments" below on the right, type in your thoughts and follow the easy directions.