Women and Friendship: Emotional Support

You probably don't need proof that the emotional support you get from friends is vital, but here it is. Ten years ago a UCLA study proposed that a cascade of brain chemicals released when we're stressed causes us to seek out other women. This 'tend and befriend' notion, developed by psychologists Drs. Shelley Taylor, Laura Klein and their associates, may explain why social ties reduce our risk of disease and help us live longer. Friends also help us live better. Research about coping after the loss of a partner indicates that women who have a close confidante more often survive without permanent loss of vitality. And that's not all. Both the Harvard Nurses' Health Study and the MacArthur Foundation Study confirm that friendship is one of the keys to a long and satisfying life.

So what is about your closest friends? Some women appreciate the unflinching acceptance and fierce loyalty, even after disclosing their darkest secrets. Others feel secure knowing that, with the support of someone totally on their side, anything is possible.

Appreciate your friends. Remind them of their attributes and talents. But also accept their flaws – especially at times when they need you to empathize with their position. Listen, regardless - your friends may just let off steam and in the process arrive at their own conclusions. Only give feedback when asked, and make sure that any negatives are gently but honestly delivered.

Here's an article from Psychology Today that speaks to the differences between women and men when it comes to friendships. You can read one woman's story, with questions that may shed some light on your own friendships, from the Newsletter Library on our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com.

If you want to learn new ideas about how to improve your friendships and family relationships, sign the email list to the left of this post. You'll receive our free monthly newsletter and can download a complimentary ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching for Your Goals.

Photo of a Loved One can Reduce Pain

We've been telling you about the value of support for years now - here's more evidence. A recent UCLA study shows that holding the hand of a loved one can help reduce pain. Just looking at their picture can help too.

The study included 25 women who had been in good relationships with their boyfriends for at least six months. They received heat stimuli to the forearm. Then they reported their pain levels while holding hands with their boyfriends, while holding hands with a stranger and while holding a squeeze ball. They also received stimuli and reported pain levels while looking at pictures of their boyfriends, while looking at a picture of stranger and while looking at a picture of a chair.

The findings indicate that the boyfriends' "presence" - whether holding their hands or just seeing their photos - reduced the participants' pain ratings.

According to the researchers, "This changes our notion of how social support influences people. Typically, we think that in order for social support to make us feel good, it has to be the kind of support that is very responsive to our emotional needs. Here, however, we are seeing that just a photo of one's significant other can have the same effect."

Menopause Brain?

Last week we looked at ways to activate your brain and keep it young. But recent studies at UCLA indicate that women's brains may not function as well during the early stage of the menopause transition - women do not learn as well shortly before menopause as they do earlier or later. So if you are one of the 60% of women who notice that you have memory problems during your menopausal transition, take heart - your memory will come back once you are postmenopausal.

Menopause may bring many additional changes, emotional as well as physical. The meaning of "the change" may be different for each of you. For some, the aging process may signify the loss of physical beauty, even if you've not been overly concerned with looks before. Arleen loves the challenge of teaching and shares a close relationship with her husband and children. She participates as a volunteer in community activities. Even with her satisfaction with these roles, menopause is a reminder that she is getting older. "I hate looking in the mirror so I avoid it. I see things more magnified now with menopause – I look wrinkled, grayer, fatter and with a turkey neck. I hate it – looking old. I am constantly complaining about it."

It can bring the end of childbearing to the forefront even if you enjoy numerous other meaningful roles in your life. Sometimes the finality of the impossibility of pregnancy brings reductions in the amount of energy you want to invest in childrearing. Diane, who combines her career as a hairdresser with that of an involved parent, feels herself taking a step back from a daughter just entering her twenties. "I like not having a period. But it feels like the end of my motherhood thing. I feel that I’ve done a good job – she’s a good person and will turn out ok. So I am feeling some freedom."

You may also enjoy the freedom that comes from not being able to become pregnant again. Sue was frightened when she started missing her menstrual period. She thought that she might be pregnant with her fifth child. When she learned that her symptoms were the beginning of menopause, she remembers the moment. "I was relieved that’s all it was! Now I am more relaxed with intimacy because I am not worried about getting pregnant. I feel freer now to let myself experience my sexuality."

Menopause can also mark the beginning of thoughts about the finite nature of life, especially for Sandwiched Boomers. This can lead to fears about death or more motivation to accomplish goals. Janet is now thinking about changes she anticipates making in her life in the near future rather than the distant future. "Menopause pushes me to think about the future now and what I can look forward to. The years have passed too quickly. I realize if I want to accomplish things in life, I need to start now."

Has menopause changed your outlook on life? Karen, who has raised four children, has been able to cope with the issues of menopause because, "All of my life experience gives me a certain stability, understanding and strength in dealing with my aging. I don’t want to be a twenty-year old. I feel comfortable being fifty."

The realization that you have the freedom to 'wear purple' and be who you are without any need to please others can be invigorating. Carol, a teacher, is learning to trust herself and be who she is. "Now I have more authenticity – walking my walk, talking my talk – not needing to be so admired or wonderful at any price. There is some loss in coming off the pedestal but I can be selfish and a pain in the ass if I want."

What does menopause mean to you? What emotions are you feeling at the loss of your physical fertility? What does it feel like to know that some parts of your life are now over? What will you leave behind? How do these losses give you the freedom to move in new directions? How are your roles changing? What new opportunities are now opening for you? How will you pursue these? This would be a good time to reflect on your losses and on the new possibilities open to you.

Think about how you want to redefine your role. Click on the post title to take you to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com where you can read one of our Stepping Stones newsletters. Let us hear from you. And tune in tomorrow when we'll give you some suggestions for coping with menopause.

Brain Exercises for Sandwiched Boomers

Yesterday we highlighted a recent study that found conducting Internet searches enhances brain function. Today lets look at additional means of exercising your brain to keep it active and dynamic. Here are some tips to follow:

Exercise your brain with mental aerobics just as you do your body. The Seattle Longitudinal Study found that 66% of older Americans doing brain exercise activities had significant cognitive improvement. Learning new skills increases the number of neural connections in the brain and keeps them firing.

Explore new areas and interests. Have you wanted to learn to play the piano? Take Spanish or learn computer graphics? Check out your neighborhood center, school district or extension courses at a college or university near you. Traveling to new places? Surf the web for information about educational travel in America and throughout the world.

Play word or number games and do crossword or jigsaw puzzles to keep your mind sharp. Researchers believe that these kinds of mental challenges build new neural pathways that help buffer the brain against age-related losses. Injecting novelty into your everyday tasks can have a similar affect. AARP has compiled a list of suggested tasks - for example, you could use your non-dominant hand for brushing your teeth, rearrange the furniture in your rooms, or carry out activities blindfolded.

Dr. Gary Small of UCLA has developed a technique for improving memory - Look, Snap, Connect. First, actively observe what you want to learn; next, create mental snapshots of your memories; finally link your mental snapshots together. This technique can help you remember information ranging from the names of new people you meet to where you parked your car or left your keys.

Develop your creative talents. Scientists have found that, as you challenge yourself to look at things in a new way and try novel behaviors, you exercise important parts of your brain. Women in their middle years have taken up a wide range of creative activities such as painting, acting, writing poetry, photography, making jewelry.

And don't forget that physical activity helps keep your mental powers sharper too. Plan your schedule so that you can participate regularly. Choose an activity that you enjoy and find engaging -- walking with a friend, working out at the gym, biking with your partner. A daily brisk 20 to 30 minute walk will allow you to feel better emotionally and think more clearly.

Increase your physical activities to include aerobics, flexibility and strengthening exercises. Fast walking, jogging, dancing, biking or climbing stairs are all good. Studies indicate that aerobic exercise brings more blood and oxygen to your brain cells, encouraging the growth of new nerve cells and connections between them. Improve your mood, control your weight and protect yourself against cognitive loss all at the same time!

For some ideas about how to identify your strengths and talents, click on the post title above. You will be connected with our article, How to Inventory Your Assets, found on our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com.

Adding Brain Power

If you found our blog by Googling or responding to a Google Alert about a subject that concerned you - aging parents, growing children, nourishing relationships, family conflicts, Sandwiched Boomers - or by surfing the Internet for topics of interest, or you are a regular reader, congratulations, you are increasing your brain power!

According to a study soon to be published by the American Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry, a team of UCLA scientists have found that middle aged and older adults who search the Internet, using the web on a regular basis, activate brain centers necessary for complex reasoning and decision-making. Exercising the brain in this way - making decisions about what to click on to continue the search - can engage brain circuit connections and improve mental functioning.

The UCLA researchers, using MRI brain scans during an assigned Internet search, noted that study participants with experience in online searches sparked two times as much brain activity as those with little prior web experience. And, as compared with an MRI done during a book-reading task, more brain activity was engaged during the Internet search. When the less web-savvy volunteers completed 7 one-hour online searches at home, their MRI scans two weeks later indicated brain activation patterns similar to the more experienced volunteers. So, take heart - enjoy the Internet and let your brain light up!

Have you been thinking about additional ways to maintain your vitality? Use your creativity as you plan new ways to challenge your brain cells. Then click on the post title above to take you to www.HerMentorCenter.com. You will find our articles there to help you get started in realizing your potential for change. You will find tips to move you in 8 Strategies to Turn Your New Year's Resolutions into Reality.And tune in tomorrow for more tips on keeping your brain young.

As Sandwiched Boomers, don't you agree that your women friends are a gift that you give yourself?

Without a doubt, intimate friendships have always been important to women. But they become even more so as you face the transitions of children growing up and parents growing older. Findings from a recent MacArthur Foundation Study indicate that the emotional security and social support that these relationships provide for women have been a survival strategy for them in adversity. In fact, friendship is one of the keys to a long and more satisfying life.

A landmark UCLA study suggests that women respond to stress with brain chemicals that cause us to maintain friendships with other women. Until this study was published, scientists generally thought that stress triggered a hormonal cascade that prepared the body either to stay and fight or to flee. Now they believe that women have more behavioral choices than just fight or flight. It seems that, when the hormone oxytocin is released as part of the stress response in women, they react by tending to children and coming together with other women. When they engage in these activities, more hormones are released, further reducing stress and producing a calming effect.

This week we'll be offering tips about enriching friendships and welcome your observations and ideas.