Parents Refusing to Leave Campus

When you dropped your kids off at college, were you the one dragging your heels? This generation of parents has been described as clinging, especially when they refuse to leave the campus. In fact, a number of college administrators have introduced blunt language into orientation schedules, including a specific time to say goodbye. The message is clear: release your anxieties and your adult children to this adventure, and enjoy the ride yourself. The lesson, not taught in the traditional curriculum, is about letting go. Parenting expert, Michelle Borba, gives practical advice for parents of college bound kids.

Some colleges have developed parents-only workshops for those who are intensely involved in their child's academic career. Liaisons give explicit advice on how to minimize the pain of separation and hovering behaviors. 'Velcro' parents may be invited to a reception while the students meet their roommates and begin to settle in. Read more about this in the New York Times.

Does all this feel like a conspiracy to exclude you? After all, it's almost as big a transition for you as for your kids. But as you say goodbye to your adult kids, learn to say hello to yourself.

Recognize that you may feel ambivalent about this new chapter. Bond with friends as you discuss your situation with those who care about what you're going through. You'll discover that you have a lot in common and that they feel the same about their own experiences - this can be validating and comforting.

Log on Wednesday for practical ideas about how to put yourself front and center. Click here right now to get started today. On HerMentorCenter.com, you can read lots of articles about family relationships, sign up for our complimentary newsletter and download a free ebook about how to reach your goals.

After Separation: Taking Care of Yourself

After separation, all the major responsibilities that fall squarely on your shoulders can leave you feeling exhausted and stressed. Remember to take time to pamper yourself in whatever ways are most pleasurable. That may mean spending more time with friends, taking a mental health day from work or reducing the stress through meditation, yoga classes or exercise.

Reaching out to others who are alone will put your situation more into perspective. Bake brownies with the kids and take them to the neighborhood fire station or invite an aging relative or a single co-worker over for dinner. Take gently used toys to a local children's hospital or volunteer at a convalescent home. Give it some thought - the possibilities are endless.

Of course, giving up the security of your marriage and old habits may leave you feeling unmoored. But you may have no choice at this point. Focus on what is still at the center of your life – your family, friends who are there for you, your work, activities that bring you joy. Recognize that there is no one right way to feel and act now. You have the freedom to generate a whole new you. Seize that opportunity and make good use of it.

Click on "Comments" below and let us know how you're doing. And clicking on the title of this post will take you to www.Divorce360.com. Join their community – you'll find helpful information from professionals as well as support from those facing the same challenges as you.

The Support of Others after Separation

If you're a sandwiched boomer who is recently separated, you now have even more on your plate. But the support of those you've taken care of can now care for you. And that can make a world of difference.

This is a time for new beginnings. In the past, you may have repeated rituals together with your partner and as a family – weekend barbeques, annual vacations or holidays with relatives from both sides. But now it will be different. Keep your expectations realistic and continue the routines that are familiar and important. At the same time, experiment about how to make special times with family and friends meaningful in new ways.

Make room for you in quiet moments by yourself or with close friends. Accept that you may feel fragile, perhaps anxious or even depressed. Recognize that this is normal for what you're going through. Give up resentments and find meaning in the life you are now building. Get caught up in the anticipation of this new chapter.

Realize there will be difficult firsts and you don't have to do it all alone. If money or time is an issue, keep your lives as simple as possible and engage the support of others. Being together with those who love you is most important. So don't hesitate to let family or friends help out, and include both sets of your children's grandparents. It's important for the kids to know that they still have the love of an extended family.

Want more guidance through these rough waters? Click on the title of this post and read some of our Her Mentor Center articles, posted on Divorce360.com, a website packed with practical information and tips.

The New Normal after Separation

Do you want to know an unexpected finding from the Framingham Heart Study, conducted over six decades? Happiness is contagious and the secret may very well be in the connection. Social relationships correlate positively with happiness. If your friend becomes happy, that increases your probability by 15%.

If you've recently separated from your partner, this can be a lonely time for you. Although your marriage may be over, it's important that your children feel secure and know that you'll be there for them. It may help if you let family and friends support you. And you'll feel more connected if you tell them how grateful you are that they're in your life.

Take one step at a time. You can do it, as you have with other turning points in your life. The strength that has guided you in the past will ultimately surface and help you through this process. Even in the midst of confusion, begin by putting one foot slowly in front of the other. Don't try to rush anything.

Following the breakup of the family, your children may feel more vulnerable. If the separation is recent, perhaps they still hope that you will reconcile. Or if the reality of the situation is just setting in, they could blame you and feel frustrated or angry. Be patient and available to listen carefully to their reactions to the family changes. Consider seeing a family therapist as they sort it all out.

All week we'll be sharing practical tips to help you reconnect after separation. Want to get going right now? Sign our email list to the left of this post and download the free ebook about courage and how to take the first steps toward a new goal.

Your Thoughts About Divorce

Visitors to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, know that we offer a free monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones. It's easy to subscribe - click on this post title to take you to the "Free Newsletter" section of our website where you can enter your email address. Earlier this week we sent out this month's Stepping Stones newsletter. The August issue, #69, highlights some steps you can take to avoid a slide toward divorce. If you didn't receive it, let us know and we'll email one to you.

We focused this issue of Stepping Stones on divorce since we have heard from so many women who are dealing with separation and divorce. Here's just a sampling of their concerns:

"I'm about to venture into a divorce and I'm very scared of the idea of being alone and maybe starting over again. I'm going to a therapist to talk out my feelings."

"My husband left me after 17 years of marriage, alone, confused and afflicted with herpes type 1 for almost 20 years, which I contracted from him. I'm trying not to think too much or too hard, keeping myself busy at work and home so I don't have time to dwell on my separation, grateful for family and good friends who care and a job I truly love doing but still missing him every day." 



"After 18 yrs of marriage that is ending due to infidelity, I am concerned for my future relationships and my children's future relationships."

"After 26 years of marriage, my husband requested a separation. Shortly after this I was laid off from my job of 18 years. (I am 60 years old). It has been two years and I have not been able to find another position and my divorce case has become very difficult and very expensive. In addition I have to travel a long distance for the court appearances. My belongings are still in the house also. I am living with my elderly mother. Divorce has never taken place in my family before and does not take place in the community where I live very often. I really have no one to talk to. It is my faith that carries me through."

"I'm a survivor of marital abuse and have now found myself in divorce. This year I start the process. I'm concerned about staying strong emotionally."

"I caught my cheating husband and now need to move on with the separation. I'm trying to cope by being positive, but still find it difficult to move past the hurt by my husband."

Do you have any thoughts you want to share about divorce - or any other issue? Let us hear from you. It's easy to express yourself: go to "Comments" below and leave a note or just email us at Mentors@HerMentorCenter.com. We're waiting to hear from you!