The Sandwich Generation, Stress and the Holidays

As busy members of the sandwich generation, is the widespread commercialism of the holidays getting you down? How would you like to spend less time racking up credit card debt and more time putting heart into your relationships? A recent study shows that strong relationships not only provide companionship but boost longevity.

There's a lot riding on family togetherness during the holidays and this can cause stress for everyone. Here you'll find a variety of articles on stress, from the effects of too much pressure to how to measure your stress level and manage better.

In blended families, there's the challenge of logistics, with the problem of trying to accommodate others' needs and still not compromise your own. And when family members don't live in the same city, it can be complicated whether you decide to go back home or have them on your turf. Of course, there are always ghosts of holidays past coupled with your present expectations, which are often unrealistic.

Although it's important to appreciate the traditions of giving and receiving, the accumulation of stuff can't hold a candle to the gift that matters most. This year, recreate the joy of simpler days by giving the priceless gift of connection to your family. Here are a couple of tips that will help you restore balance:

If you're traveling, pack your patience. Old family dynamics and unfinished business are bound to surface. Make a decision to leave behind the baggage that's too big to fit in the overhead compartment.

Balance nurturing the well being of others and your own. Honor your body by doing what makes you feel physically and emotionally strong. Pay attention to your exercise routine, sleeping pattern and what you eat. Try to do what makes you feel less stressed, relaxed and alive.

Log on here Wednesday for more practical strategies. And get a head start by clicking on the Family Relationships category at HerMentorCenter - scroll down to the holiday section to find articles about how to deal with pressure and prevent disappointment.

Stepmothers are People Too

Several weeks ago, as the blog focused on grandmothering, we wrote about how to move into the role of a step-grandmother - with patience, flexibility, love and realistic expectations. Some comments came in from stepmothers, who have the same kinds of issues with their new families. They wondered if their relationships can be helped by the same kind of approach.

With the continuing sizeable divorce rate, stepmothers now out number intact mothers in the United States. The step-moms in these blended families generally face far more tension with the children than do the step-dads. Especially difficult is the relationship between a stepmother and her teenage stepdaughter, particularly if the daughter's birth mother is still emotionally fragile concerning the divorce. The daughter is likely to reflect her mother's behavior and resentment as she relates to her stepmother.

So how can a step-mom improve the relationships with her husband's children? Getting a running start from the dad sure helps. When he sets the tone for acceptance, inclusion and respect the children are more likely to see the couple as a lasting team. Make it clear that you do not intend to try to replace the children's birth mother, but instead to be another loving figure in their lives. Then, as with step-grandmothering, don't attempt to rush things - be patient and the children will eventually come to you. Focus on learning about them and soon they will want to share more of their lives with you.

We'll address more about this difficult subject on the blog next month. In the meantime, you can read about one stepmother's experiences on our website, www.HerMentorCenter. Simply click on the title above "Stepmothers are People too," and it will take you to a story in one of our newsletter. To return here to the blog, click back on "Blog."

And tune in tomorrow for our visit with Patricia Harman, author of "The Blue Cotton Gown: A Midwife's Memoir."

Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., authors of "The Healing Power of Love," have written an article about an adult child's perspective when a widowed parent re-marries. Over the next few days, we'll be sharing their thoughts with you. As Sandwiched Boomers, many of you have likley been in this position.

Chances are you grew up in a two-parent family, went away to college, married, had children of your own. And then, tragedy struck and one parent passed away, leaving the other widowed. He or she has mourned their loss and, while still embracing the memories of their late spouse, met someone new and fell in love - ready once again to enjoy a full life, perhaps to even re-marry. And you find yourself exchanging parenting roles as you concerns are not unlike that of your parents when you dated and eventually married. While their expectation is that you will be thrilled that they found happiness in re-marriage or have someone special in their life, it is seldom that simple.

It could be that you have been protective of your parent since he became a widower and are uncomfortable with someone else taking over for you. Perhaps this new partner is assuming the role of your much-loved deceased parent or you perceive her as competition for your parent's time. Maybe you have difficulty thinking of your parent as a sexually active person, especially if their involvement is with a younger woman.

Although the choice of mates is solely that of your parent, he will, naturally, be influenced by your opinion, suggestions, feelings and certainly your actions. As such, be aware that the more accepting you are, the easier it will be to deal with the problems intrinsic in blending families. You can lessen the pain of assimilating new people into family gatherings, for example, by being welcoming and flexible, with a willingness to establish new family traditions.

Click on 'Comments' and tell us about your experiences.