Virtual Book Tour with Gayle Forman

Today we're delighted to welcome journalist and author, Gayle Forman, to our Virtual Book Tour. In full disclosure, at one time I carpooled Gayle to school with my kids. I think you'll find her as engaing now as I did then:

Nourishing Relationships: Young-adult books like yours seem to be gaining a much wider readership than just young adults - what is the appeal?

Gayle Forman: A book is a book is a book and a good book is a good book. It's a golden time right now for YA books, and I think the popularity of novels like The Hunger Games or Twilight have showed moms the appeal of these books not just for their daughters but for themselves. There's something about the teenage years. They're a time of firsts—first love, first heartbreak, first time leaving home, first time making big decisions—which is why they're such fertile ground for authors but also why the books resonate for both teenagers and for anyone who has been a teenager.

NR: What kind of messages can mothers and daughters glean from "If I Stay" and "Where She Went?"

GF: I think readers of different ages take away different things from the books. With "If I Stay," young readers often email me to tell me that they appreciate their lives anew after finishing the book. That they've gone to give their parents a hug, or that they've stopped feeling sorry for themselves because they know now that life is so fleeting. Older readers, particularly those who have endured loss, I think, really connect with Mia's sense of loss of her family and find some catharsis there. Similarly, in "Where She Went," I think younger readers are swept up in Adam's agony over losing Mia, in his anger, in the hope of a second chance. Older readers connect with that, too but again, the themes of loss, of surviving loss, of what it means to grieve—if you've been through something like that, you might read the book on a different level.

NR: "If I Stay" has become a popular mother-daughter book club pick. Why is that?

GF: I think it's for some of the reasons I mentioned above, that there is a takeaway for different generations. Also, unlike a lot of YA books, the parents (and grandparents) in "If I Stay" are really cool, so I think it's refreshing for adults to see a positive depiction of parents in books about younger people. But the major themes—memory, choice, music, living, dying, loving—are ones that all ages can talk about. I think as our daughters grow older, it can be harder to find common ground and sometimes books can provide an opening.

NR: How has raising your two children changed the way you write books?

GF: It's a funny question because I didn't quite realize how thoroughly the girls impacted my writing until I was deep into it. For one, I might never have started writing novels had I not had my first daughter. When she was a baby, I knew I didn't want to travel anymore as a journalist. That was how I backed into writing my first novel, "Sisters in Sanity." But it was really with "If I Stay" that I synthesized so many of my feelings about parenthood, about the sacrifices you make for your children without ever giving it a second thought. Though the book focuses on 17-year-old Mia, the story is also very much about her parents. Former punk rockers, they slowly evolve into 1950s-esque seeming Cleaver family types and the nature of this evolution, the reason her father in particular changes, is a big theme of the book. I didn't realize until after I finished that this whole section was really about sacrifice for your children and I never would've written this, or felt this, before having children.

NR: Do you have no-go zones?

GF: No. When I was writing "If I Stay," at one point I wondered if it was too heavy or too philosophical for YA but I didn't change anything. If my characters curse in my head, they curse on the page. I realize that puts off some readers but I grew up in home where we cursed like sailors but also did volunteer work, so cursing and morality were never remotely related. But I do think very much about the morals I'm putting on the page, how I would feel as a parent if my girls at 17 did the things that the girls I'm writing about are doing. Would I be okay with my 17-year-old in an intimate relationship with a boy she was in love with and monogamous with? Would I be okay with her not going to the college of her dreams to be close to the boy she loved? These are the questions I ask myself and they guide the decisions my characters make.

Thanks Gayle, for giving us insight into your work and the teen psyche. Now, readers, you have a chance to share your thoughts and ask Gaye questions. Just click on 'comments' below this post and follow the prompts. You can even sign in as 'anonymous,' it's as easy as that. If you want to experience firsthand how smart and funny Gayle is, and her commitment to teenagers, spend some time on her blog.

Your Voices

We hear from women facing difference kinds of challenges every day - personal, family, career. Here's a sample of some of the kinds of issues they are confronting. How about you? What are your concerns? What helps you cope?

One reader is surprised by how fast time has changed her from the young woman she once was:

"I don't like to look in the mirror. Though I feel the same inside, I am shocked by how old and frumpy I appear in pictures with my children and grandchildren. How do I begin to face these inevitable physical changes? I'm only in my 50's. I never thought I'd be facing these issues at this age. I am just beginning this transition and am fighting all the way. When did my face change so much while I wasn't looking? I have older friends who think I'm being foolish. Their attitude is, "that's the way it goes, accept it!" But I'm not ready to yet. I have considered counseling to find a way to accept aging. I'm looking for a good book on the subject of adjusting to the physical changes of the 50's and beyond."

Another reader has been dealing with her grief at the loss of her husband and has discovered a few ways to help lift some of her pain:

"I am grieving the death of my husband and soul-mate of 32 years who passed away last year after being diagnosed with cancer just 3 months earlier. We were also partners in our business for the past 20 years, and I am now having trouble maintaining enthusiasm for it. My view of the future right now is primarily focused on my 4-year-old grandson, plus continuing to help others in any way I can. I am a strong survivor, but at 63, I am having trouble re-establishing my sense of identity and perspective as a single person. My best therapy is spending quality time with my 4-year-old grandson! I have attended grief classes and continue to have meaningful communication with understanding friends. I begin and end each day by cultivating a spirit of gratitude, and I release a great deal of grief through journaling. I devote much of my time assisting a blind elderly aunt, and enjoy writing to friends and family who need moral support. I have planned to begin a fitness program as a way to maintain both my physical and emotional health, but haven't followed through as yet." 


Another is focused on her career and how she is coping with menopause:

"I wonder if my thoughts of a career change are driven by my perimenopause. I tell myself I shouldn't fear going through financial changes because of changes I've planned in my career direction. I'm consulting with career counselor and connecting with colleagues and friends to get support, job information, and relaxation. I think about how I can take care of perimenopause and provide support to other women going through the same journey. I use yoga and meditation to start my day right and have regular massages." 
 
 



What kinds of issues are challenging you? Do you have any words of support for your sisters out there? Let us hear from you. You can express your thoughts to us several ways: go to "Comments" below and leave a note, anonymously if you prefer; or click on the post title above to take you to the "About You" section of our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, where you can write as much as you want; or just email us at Mentors@HerMentorCenter.com. We're waiting to hear from you!

If you missed Elaine Williams' Virtual Book Tour yesterday, you owe it to yourself to read it. The questions women asked about loss and renewal were universal and Elaine's responses were poignant and thoughtful. If you click on "13 Comments" at the bottom of yesterday's post, you'll get an idea of who Elaine is. And by clicking on her name at the top of her answer, it'll take you to her blog.

The beginning of the week, the theme of our blog was friendship and we all have a new friend in Elaine Williams.

Friends are a source of support and comfort at painful times. You may be tempted to pull away in an effort to deal with difficulties on your own, but this is the time to stay bonded with those who understand you. So whether you're at the receiving or giving end, hug a friend today.

We Welcome Elaine Williams this morning, who is here to discuss her recently published book.

Why did you write A Journey Well Take: Life After Loss?

I wrote it initially for myself, but then realized that other women needed to read it. It's not just my experience but it's something many will go through. I wanted others to realize that even though their grief is unique, there are untold similarities in the universal process. None of us are alone. Once you suffer such a loss, your life changes. Not only in the obvious ways, but also emotionally and sometimes financially.

You were a caretaker for your husband during his illness?

Yes, with the esophagus cancer he couldn't eat and he was on heavy narcotics for pain control. Even though I wrote down everything, in the early days I was terrified of giving him an overdose. Once we signed up with hospice, they worked on his pain protocol constantly. I had always thought of hospice for end-of-life situations, but my sister-in-law, a nurse, told me pain control was their forte. Unfortunately, most regular doctors don’t know too much about long-term pain control.

You stated in A Journey Well Taken; Life After Loss, you were devastated by the loss of your husband of twenty years. Are you still feeling that devastation, four years later?

Some days it's still there, but not the total well of emptiness I carried for almost three years. I am cognizant of what my children and I have lost, what our lives could have been, but I’m no longer drained by the loss. My life is taking different directions. I have learned to love my life.

Do your kids talk about their dad?

Yes, we all do. My youngest boys are still home and we reminisce at times about funny incidences or remembrances involving their dad. My oldest, because he moved away, didn't have as much interaction in this manner, but I feel this really helped us, not being afraid to remember.

Do you think people in general understand the grief process?

Not entirely. Many times people think a year is the cut-off for grieving and you should be feeling better. A year is nothing in the grieving process. Some days you think you’re okay, then one day you’re driving along and you start crying. In grief, emotions seesaw without rhyme or reason. There is no right way to do it, and it’s in each individual’s time. You can’t hurry the process, but you can know that life does heal and become joyful again. If you allow life to come back to you, you will be blessed in unexpected and joyous ways.

Elaine, we appreciate your honest responses to some difficult questions. Now, Readers, please click on "Comments" below - ask your questions and share your own experiences with others.