Happy New Year

Our best wishes to all of our Her Mentor Center and Nourishing Relationships readers for a happy, healthy, fulfilling New Year!

Join us again in 2011 as we continue to share our tips for success in nurturing yourself. Learn how these strategies can work for you whether or not you're a Sandwiched Boomer, challenged by caring for growing children and aging parents. Let our insights and encouragement empower you to reach your goals.

To a New Year of growth, meaning and achievements,

Rosemary and Phyllis

Focus on Your Assets

With the New Year approaching, do you think it's too late to start making lists and outlining dramatic changes for yourself? Novelist Mary Anne Evans (AKA George Eliot) wisely advised, It is never too late to be what you might have been. So decide what you want to be and then begin the process to make it happen in 2011.

And just in case you've had trouble in the past taking the first step toward change, our article Sandwiched Boomers: 7 Tips on Fighting Inertia, available on our website, Her Mentor Center, gives you suggestions for overcoming these hurdles.

Here are some more practical tips to help you focus on the positive qualities you possess and how you can apply them:

Engage in an active process of getting to know your true self and what you want to do. Think about what you would see if you held up a mirror to your inner self. What nurtures your creative thinking? What stimulates your curiosity? What do you really value and care about? What are your dreams and passions? When you can honestly answer these questions for yourself, you can begin to identify what is your life purpose. Only then can you go about achieving it.

How would you like to share your "assets" with others? Your expertise can be directed to giving back to those in need, to the next generation, to the community, country, world. Begin to practice small acts of kindness – let a harried mother go ahead of you in the grocery line, give up the parking space to an elderly gentleman, smile at the sales clerk who looks like she’s having a bad day. At this stressful holiday time, your thoughtfulness and consideration can mean even more to those around you.

Just as you would calculate liabilities as well as assets when determining your financial net worth, you can look at the areas that you would like to enhance in your personal life. This provides a focus for your actions toward self-improvement. Let 2011 become the beginning of changes that you have been planning to make but never quite began before.

After you identify your strengths and the direction you want to take, start to develop a concrete plan of action you can follow. Establish short-term objectives that will move you, step by step, toward the long-term goals you have set for yourself. Whether you're dealing with growing children, aging parents or your own self-discovery, create your personal vision for 2011 using your newly completed asset inventory.

For more insight and tips about achieving the goals you set for yourself in 2011 check out our article, 8 Strategies to Turn Your New Year's Resolutions into Reality.

And if you want to get a running start on dealing with the pressures of the weak economy in 2011, you can purchase our ebook, TAKING CONTROL OF STRESS IN A FINANCIAL STORM: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success.

Making Your Own Top Ten List

Now that 2010 is ending, you'll find all kinds of lists on the Internet: the 10 films most likely to be nominated for an Academy Award; the 20 most interesting people, the 5 best books. In addition to spending some of your spare time reading through these lists, how about taking some personal time this week to create your own list – of your 10 most important assets?

It may seem unusual for you, a member of the Sandwich Generation, to concentrate on yourself instead of on the needs of your growing children or aging parents. But take a deep breath, put your feet up for a moment and allow yourself to focus on and embrace your own development at this pivotal time.

Creating your inventory will give you a leg up on beginning 2011 from a position of power - but how do you begin? To help you, we've created a short list to help you focus on your assets - not the financial ones, which may still be down, but the personal strengths you own. Use this process to discover some of your hidden passions. Reflect on your answers or discuss them with a trusted friend as you create an expanded sense of yourself. Whether or not you're a Sandwiched Boomer, here are some tips to get you started:

Keeping a journal will help you clarify your thoughts and feelings as you look at all aspects of your life. As you begin to make an inventory of your assets, include what you have done and the value you have created in the past - as student, family member, career associate, community volunteer, friend. Now think about what you are currently doing in your life that you feel proud about - the gift of time that you give to you growing children and aging parents as well as those around you.

Identify your strengths. What are some of your natural talents? These are the things that come so easily you often don't notice it. And how about the acquired skills you have used successfully? You may have worked hard to perfect them. Both your talents and your skills make up your abilities - your greatest personal strengths. Think about what they are and how you use them. These could encompass, among others, attributes as diverse as a love of learning, a sense of humor, loyalty, an appreciation of beauty, the ability to love and be loved. Recognize how you apply them in your life everyday.

Consider how others view you and your contributions. Who uses you as a role model and in what areas? Realize that all of your life experiences have led you to the wisdom you now possess. Honor this insight and find ways to share what you already know well with your own children – or, if they are already grown, mentor students learning to read, become a Big Sister, coach a soccer team at the youth center.

To read more tips about how to build your strengths and prepare to utilize them, look to the left of this post where you can sign up for our Her Mentor Center newsletter, Stepping Stones, and receive our ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching for Your Goals, as a complimentary gift from us.

The Holidays and the Gift of Time

We invite you to visit our website, HerMentorCenter.com. The articles, newsletters and videos you'll discover there are full of easy to implement strategies for you, members of the sandwich generation facing the challenges of parents growing older and kids growing up.

Please accept this gift from us - join the email list to the left of this post and begin to receive a free monthly newsletter with practical solutions to the problems of a family in flux. And you can also download a complimentary ebook on how to reach your goals.

Happy Holidays to you and yours!
Phyllis and Rosemary

As the meltdown in the economy and the crisis in confidence continue, are you still feeling stretched by the financial pressure? The responsibilities of the holiday season may be getting you down, especially if you're facing tough buying decisions. These are challenging times. This year, in more ways than one, you may just have to let go of the idea of a perfect Christmas, Hanukah or Kwanzaa.

Even though it's important to honor the tradition of giving, accumulating material things can't hold a candle to the gift that matters most. Bringing cheer to others can cheer you up as well. And you can do it without breaking the bank. With the holidays fast approaching, you certainly don't want more pressure. So follow these practical tips as you focus on more joy and less stuff:

Give the gift of connection. Put heart in your relationships. Arrange a regular weekly date with your parents. Invite them out to lunch, a museum or the movies. Send a card to someone with whom you've lost contact. Enclose a recent family photo, your email address and a promise to keep in touch. Drive an elderly neighbor to the grocery store, a doctor's appointment or the shopping mall.

Give to a worthy cause. Get the family or a group of friends together and spend a couple of hours helping at a homeless shelter. Pass forward gifts you've never used. Or bring some toys or clothes that are in good shape. Buy a small present for a street person you pass regularly and make eye contact when you give it. Put a big smile on your face and help cook the holiday dinner at a soup kitchen. Make a donation to Aunt Sue's favorite charity; every gift counts no matter how much you spend.

Give of yourself. Enjoy time with your friends by inviting them over for an evening of fun. Organize a potluck dinner and have them bring their signature dish. Cut down on expenses by exchanging memories instead of presents. Or express yourself and create some of your holiday gift items. Make a coupon book filled with orders for good deeds. Add a personal touch by baking decorative cookies with the kids. Show others you care with an IOU to babysit so they can have a much needed night out.

Give to yourself. Take some down time over the holidays. For a couple of hours each day, try not to focus on your problems. Curl up with a great book from the library, watch the ballgame with your teenagers or take your grandkids to the park. Enjoy peace of mind by paying down your debts. Hold back from buying lots of gifts or taking the family on an expensive outing. Decide together how to spend a fun and relaxing day. Your family will understand and may grow from the experience.

The holidays don't always have to look like a Norman Rockwell painting. Begin to lay the groundwork for change in your gift giving rituals. As you can see, it doesn't have to cost you anything but time. And when money is tight and life is challenging, connection and support mean the most.

It will be a gift to yourself when you recreate the joy of simpler days. Small changes can represent a new beginning. Take heart as you give a little that feels like a lot. And in these hard times, that's a good lesson for all of us.

A Woman's Guide to Great Sex after 50

Vibrant Nation is an online community where women over 50 share information about subjects that interest them through blog posts and conversations. Whether you're concerned about yourself, your relationship or family, work or wellness, you're bound to gain clarity.

The website has recently launched a health and beauty blog and a library with publications from experts. One of the experts is Dr Pepper Schwartz, professor of sociology at the University of Washington. She has appeared on television programs like The Oprah Winfrey Show and lectures on topics such as sexuality, women's issues and male/female communication. Dr. Schwartz has collaborated with Vibrant Nation and written an ebook, A Woman’s Guide to Great Sex After 50: Getting Your Mind, Body and Relationship Ready for Pleasure. Vibrant Nation provided us with this ebook and I want to tell you a little about it.

Right off the bat, Dr. Schwartz normalizes the decrease in libido that can occur with menopause and diminishing hormones. She explains the potential effects of infidelity and erectile dysfunction. And how changes in physical health and an increase in stress level can impact your sexual relationship.

Dr. Schwartz's sense of humor and her use of other women's stories make this sometimes touchy subject very accessible. She lets us know there's a high degree of satisfaction among couples who remain sexually active and how important it is to "use it or lose it."

The technical material on sexual frequency and satisfaction is concise and her recommendations are practical. For more regular orgasms, she suggests strengthening vaginal muscles, letting go of old scripts, listening to your body instead of the rules and talking openly with your partner about what you need. As women have fewer erotic fantasies, Dr. Schwartz advises masturbation as a means to greater desire and a more intense sex life. She recommends sex toys and different types of vibrators as well as the websites where you can order them, some of which have psychiatry and ob/gyn physicians available for consultation.

If you're interested in purchasing Dr. Schwartz's ebook from Vibrant Nation, you can find more information on this link to their site. And when you join Vibrant Nation, you can also receive their free report, Top 5 Treatments for Vaginal Dryness and Dyspareunia (Sexual Intercourse Pain). It's full of helpful information about improving your sexual health and increasing your enjoyment of physical intimacy, even after menopause.

You can read these articles about relationships on our website, HerMentorCenter.com, if you're interested in how remaining faithful or re-examining your relationship can impact your sexual wellbeing. Here's an AARP survey about sex in the 50s. And for more insight about sexual health, read myths about sex after 50 and secrets to great sex after 50.

Log on Wednesday - we'll be sharing practical tips on how to celebrate the holidays with the gift of time.

The Reindeer Keeper

Today we are happy to welcome Barbara Briggs Ward to Nourishing Relationships for a virtual book tour. She's written a lovely book, The Reindeer Keeper: Believe Again, arriving just in time for the holidays. Barbara has a long history as the author/illustrator of children's books, especially the Snarly Sally series, and The Reindeer Keeper is her first work of fiction for adults.

NR: Welcome, Barbara. We're sure our readers would like to know more about you. For instance, what influenced you to become a writer?

Barbara: Growing up in the country provided me the biggest influence on the rest of my life for it offered me a constant backdrop to explore - and the more I played and explored, the greater my imagination grew. There were 4 houses in a row - all filled with relatives - aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, dogs and cats. My cousins and I had fields and pastures, creeks and old barns in which to play. But it was in a chicken coop converted into a clubhouse and filled with the desks/books/chalkboards of an abandoned one-room schoolhouse where we spent the majority of our time. If you go to www.thereindeerkeeper.com you can follow my blog, which chronicles those times growing up in the country.

NR: When did you start writing?

Barbara: I started writing when I'd spend hours playing in my chicken coop. There was something about that old place that intrigued me. Having my favorite books around me added to the wonder. After receiving a handmade pine desk as a Christmas gift from my grandfather, I knew I wanted to be a writer - but I don't think I understood what that meant. I kept cutting paper into little pieces and folding them to make little books. I kept scribbling and drawing with my crayons. I kept scribbling as I grew up. It was just something I did. After my first child was born, scribbles turned into endless storylines. I was hooked. Intrigue turned into passion. I had to write. I started writing because I couldn't stop.

NR: What was your inspiration for The Reindeer Keeper?

Barbara: Because my father was a funeral director, I was keenly aware of how beautiful the gift of another day really is. It offers us another chance. Obituaries always fascinate me, for they chronicle what individuals did during their time on earth. The thought of knowing when we began and not having control of the end date inspires me to make a difference; to take each day and live it to the fullest while along the way appreciate the little things.

The specific inspiration for The Reindeer Keeper was a snowfall on Christmas Eve. Watching those big, beautiful flakes float by the window with Christmas lights muted in the distance filled me with an urge to write a story of the season for adults - entwining that wonder of Santa Claus we all once felt with the real life we face each day. Besides having my grandfather's barn in my thoughts, that's all I knew when I sat down to write the story but as words came out, the characters took over.

NR: The Reindeer Keeper deals with relationships on so many levels. Your main character, Abbey, struggles with her own feelings of resentment towards her mother, which are so strong that her immediate family avoids the subject of her mother in any form. From where did you draw such conflict of emotions between a mother and a daughter?

Barbara: Much of what I wrote about this complicated relationship comes from my own experience with my mother. I believe even when no such conflict exists between the two it is a challenging relationship especially as the daughter grows and spreads her wings, forging her own path and in doing so, reflecting back on how her mother handled her own path and decisions she made along the way. I now find my own daughters doing the same.

With my mother it was a build up of resentment that only widened as the years went by. I was lucky though, for in the last 6 months of her life, being the only sibling living nearby I was "forced" to deal with her. Looking back, those 6 months were a gift for slowly the walls crumbled and slowly we began to talk and slowly I learned that underneath all the anger and hate I loved her more than I could have ever imagined. I'd sit at the end of her bed and listen and she would do the same. We'd laugh. We'd cry and from that period of time I discovered how unfair it is to judge others when in fact we are not walking in their shoes. When my mother passed away I felt at peace with her. I miss her more than I ever thought possible.

NR: In the book the relationship between the two main characters - Abbey and Steve - is that of a strong, solid marriage; rather refreshing in this day and age. How were they able to do this, considering all they had to deal with?

Barbara: In The Reindeer Keeper Abbey and Steve do have a good marriage but it is also revealed how they have been able to stay so happily together over their 30 years of marriage while confronting all the difficulties life has thrown at them. They communicate. They give and take. They understand each other; their strengths, weaknesses, body language. They enjoy each other's company; laugh and cry together. Of course they've had their bumps in the road but bottom line, their love has only deepened from when they first met in the '60s. And as they face their greatest challenge it is that strength between the two of them that carries them through the darkness.

NR: How do you use language to differentiate characters and settings?

Barbara: I use language to help describe a character, to set the tone and emphasis in describing settings. In The Reindeer Keeper there is an odd little man whose use of language is short and abrupt but as you read along and learn more about this character, that all makes sense. A reader can feel close to a character by learning a character's language. This adds to that feeling of getting into the book itself.

NR: What's your favorite book? Favorite word?

Barbara: I don't have a favorite book. I have two favorite authors, both rooted in my childhood and that chicken coop. It was inside that coop where I read all the Laura Ingalls Wilder and Lousia May Alcott books. And if I wasn't reading I was folding those pieces of paper and writing books.

My favorite word is morning for it offers hope and a new beginning - a gift of another day. Watching the world wake up yet again is empowering; seeing the sky turn from black to hints of daylight is inspiring.

NR: Barbara, thank you for inspiring us today with your candid answers. Readers, now it's your chance to continue the discussion about The Reindeer Keeper with Barbara by asking your own questions through the "Comment" link below.

Information to Help You Enjoy this Time of Life

Here at Nourishing Relationships, we've developed a rapport with Vibrant Nation, an online community devoted to serving the needs of women over 50 by offering tips as well as the chance to join in conversations about work, relationships, wellness, books, and more. Just as we encourage you to do here at Nourishing Relationships, at VibrantNation.com you can connect with other women at your stage of life and discuss the issues you are passionate about.

One issue that may affect you, as it does many women over 50, is menopause and the symptoms it brings. Vibrant Nation has addressed this issue head on by joining with Dr. Holly Thacker, a physician and Director of the Center for Specialized Women's Health at the world renowned Cleveland Clinic, to publish an ebook dealing with menopause, Recognizing and Treating Menopause Symptoms: A 50+ woman’s guide to managing hot flashes, weight gain, mood swings, depression, vaginal dryness, night sweats and other menopause symptoms

I've read the ebook, provided to us by Vibrant Nation, and found it to be a comprehensive guide to menopause, written in a conversational, easy to understand manner. As well as discussing the physical symptoms of menopause, Dr. Thacker clearly talks about treatments for the accompanying experiences - hot flashes, mood swings, insomnia, irritability, stress, memory loss, weight gain, hair loss, brain fog - that plague many women. She also tackles all the conflicting information from the media about hormone therapy and explains how you can sift through the data and make your own decisions. Recognizing that each woman is unique in her reactions to menopause, Dr. Thacker's ebook directs you how to find solutions that work for you.

Dr. Thacker has been credentialed as a health expert by NAMS, the North American Menopause Society. Founded over 20 years ago, NAMS is North America's leading nonprofit organization dedicated to promoting the health and quality of life of women through an understanding of menopause.

If you're interested in purchasing Dr. Thacker's ebook from Vibrant Nation, you can find more information on this link to their site: Recognizing and Treating Menopause Symptoms: A 50+ woman’s guide to managing hot flashes, weight gain, mood swings, depression, vaginal dryness, night sweats and other menopause symptoms

When you join Vibrant Nation, you can also receive their free report, Top 5 Treatments for Vaginal Dryness and Dyspareunia (Sexual Intercourse Pain) It's full of helpful information about improving your sexual health and increasing your enjoyment of physical intimacy, even after menopause.

For more insight about treating the symptoms of menopause, you can read one of our Stepping Stone's newsletters Navigating Through Menopause, on HerMentorCenter.com and give us your feedback about how they worked for you.

See you back here on Wednesday, December 15, when we'll be hosting a Virtual Book Tour with Barbara Briggs Ward. She'll be answering questions about her new novel, The Reindeer Keeper, which has arrived just in time for the holidays.

Elizabeth Edwards: A Source of Inspiration

Elizabeth Edwards, diagnosed with breast cancer in 2004, died Tuesday at the age of 61. She often said she wanted to be in control and define her own life, not be defined by cancer or her husband's affair. After their separation, she figured out a new way of interacting with her estranged husband that was healthy for her children. Because for years she had been preparing them for what was to come. What Elizabeth called her 'dying letter' was really a lesson in living.

At one point Elizabeth wrote, "The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered. We know that. And yes, there are certainly times when we aren't able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like. It's called being human. But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful."

A source of inspiration, hers was a struggle of extraordinary dimensions. Elizabeth lived with high political ambition, marital betrayal, advancing cancer and optimistic determination. Her lasting legacy was that she weathered life's storms with fortitude and grace.

In a recent interview she said that she wanted to be remembered as someone who stood in the storm and, when the wind didn't blow her way, adjusted her sails. Elizabeth Edwards was a role model for all of us.

Reduce Family Stress during the Holidays

Although the pictures you see are of Christmas trees, presents and smiling faces, there's a lot of chatter about the pressures on families during the holidays. How do you make this season as stress free as possible?

Try to understand what about the holidays is most significant to you and your family. And then decide to focus on what you want to do, not what you think you have to do. Begin to lay the groundwork for change in your family rituals.

Find emotional support. With the challenges of college kids coming home, integrating in-laws into the family and caring for aging parents, take a breather and call a friend. Share your feelings about what's going on in your family - get it off your chest and get some positive feedback.

Gratitude is a powerful emotion. Use it to your advantage. Point out your family's positive qualities rather than focusing on the negatives. Tell your loved ones what they mean to you. See their reaction and notice how it makes you feel.

Perhaps you don't have role models for repairing the family and have to make it up as you go along. Trust yourself in this process. Often the messiness of emotions leads to better understanding. Conflict can serve as an invitation to grow when you honor the importance of relationships. With family, there are no returns or exchanges even with a gift receipt. So embrace the holiday season and rejoice in the love and support of family.

Why not buy yourself a gift that costs less than a cup of coffee? At HerMentorCenter.com, you'll find an ebook Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success that's full of simple strategies that help reduce stress.

http://www.hermentorcenter.com/order.html

The Sandwich Generation, Stress and the Holidays

As busy members of the sandwich generation, is the widespread commercialism of the holidays getting you down? How would you like to spend less time racking up credit card debt and more time putting heart into your relationships? A recent study shows that strong relationships not only provide companionship but boost longevity.

There's a lot riding on family togetherness during the holidays and this can cause stress for everyone. Here you'll find a variety of articles on stress, from the effects of too much pressure to how to measure your stress level and manage better.

In blended families, there's the challenge of logistics, with the problem of trying to accommodate others' needs and still not compromise your own. And when family members don't live in the same city, it can be complicated whether you decide to go back home or have them on your turf. Of course, there are always ghosts of holidays past coupled with your present expectations, which are often unrealistic.

Although it's important to appreciate the traditions of giving and receiving, the accumulation of stuff can't hold a candle to the gift that matters most. This year, recreate the joy of simpler days by giving the priceless gift of connection to your family. Here are a couple of tips that will help you restore balance:

If you're traveling, pack your patience. Old family dynamics and unfinished business are bound to surface. Make a decision to leave behind the baggage that's too big to fit in the overhead compartment.

Balance nurturing the well being of others and your own. Honor your body by doing what makes you feel physically and emotionally strong. Pay attention to your exercise routine, sleeping pattern and what you eat. Try to do what makes you feel less stressed, relaxed and alive.

Log on here Wednesday for more practical strategies. And get a head start by clicking on the Family Relationships category at HerMentorCenter - scroll down to the holiday section to find articles about how to deal with pressure and prevent disappointment.

Grandmothers Value Special Holiday Celebrations

Now that we are into December, the holiday season has begun in earnest, prompting grandmothers into action as they search for ways to prepare for holiday celebrations with the grandkids. Chanukah begins tonight and Christmas and Kwanzaa are just over three weeks away. So we've got more tips today about how to enjoy the holidays with your grandchildren, whether they live close to you or far away.

When your grandkids live nearby, you benefit by being an integral part of their lives. You likely have the chance to spend time with them weekly, participate in significant events and learn first-hand about their latest interests and achievements. The main concern then becomes boundaries - on all sides. It's vital for you not to undermine your adult children's authority, even if you pitch in to help with child-care. And it's just as imperative for you to retain your own personal identity and not become submerged in the role of grandmother only. You'll enjoy the relationship more when you also have some separation from it.

When you are part of the special kind of grandmothering that is becoming more common today, flexibility is the key. If you son or daughter has divorced, you might lose some contact with your grandchild, especially if the situation between the parents is strained. You may need to maintain a relationship with your child's ex in order to spend time with your grandkids - it helps to discuss this with your own child, as this can be a touchy subject. Your time with the grandkids is likely determined by which parent has them that day, not when you want to see them. So you'll need to be flexible in your planning. Divorce is difficult for everyone and your grandkids may blame themselves and act out behaviorally, making it difficult for you to manage them. Or they may withdraw from you, afraid that you will leave too. Help them adapt by accepting their feelings. Avoid criticizing either parent to your grandkids so they don't feel their loyalty is being tested when they are with you. You can get some ideas about celebrating holidays with your grandchildren post-divorce in an article we wrote for the website Divorce360.com.

Patience is called for if you become a step-grandmother. You will need to give your new grandchildren time to accept you, so begin slowly. They probably have relationships - and holiday rituals - with their birth grandparents so don't try to rush them into considering you in the same way. Let them know that you are not trying to take the place of their other grandparents, but only adding to their circle of caring adults. Learn about them - their early years, their interests and talents, their personalities. Keep your expectations realistic as you build a relationship that leads to love between you. And talk to your children about possibly adding new traditions your family holiday meal that include everyone.

The unifying concept for good grandmothering is respect - for your children, their partners, your grandkids - and for yourself. Show that you appreciate and value each individual's needs and rights - especially at holiday time. When you do that, you set the stage for building strong bonds between everyone in the family all through the year.